HOME ALONE - A NO-NO FOR THE ELDERLY

One of the biggest sources of anxiety for the sandwich generation is their elderly parents. If you are in your 60s, your parents would probably be in their 80s. If they are still active, independent and in good health, you can count yourself blessed. As long as your parents are together, they can look after each other. But what happens when one parent passes on? Is the surviving parent able to cope on her/his own?

If your elderly father is staying with you, who keeps an eye on him when both you and your husband are at work? What about career women who are single? Your mother is alone at home all day. Do you worry about leaving her by herself for so many hours every day?

This is a situation that many of us now face. What can we do about it? Let's look at some of the options out there, and why for many, there is no choice at all.

Option 1: Have your parent move in with you and your family.
Why not?

• "Our house is too small, and there's no spare room for her."
• "My dad refuses to move from his hometown. He wants to die there in his own house."
• "My mother says she prefers to be where she is - in familiar surroundings and with her own friends."

Option 2: Get your single parent a live-in maid.

Why not?

• "We can't afford it."
• "My mother doesn't trust an outsider."
• "What if the maid ill-treats my mother?"

Option 2: Put your parent in a decent home.

Why not?

• "We can't afford it."
• "People would say we are not filial."
• "My father refuses to live in a nursing home."

For many adult children, there seems to be no easy solution. So the elderly parent continues to live alone, and the family members are stressed out worrying about whether mom is ok when they call and no one picks up the phone. 

There are so many things to worry about when mom lives alone. Did she remember to take her medication? What if she fell and lost consciousness, or had a heart attack? What if she forgot to turn off the gas stove, or lock the front door?

Or worse, what if there is a break-in, and mom is hurt? These are very real concerns.

It is heartening to know that NGOs are coming up with workable solutions. The Befrienders of Singapore, for example, conduct regular house calls to make sure that elderly residents are fine. There are also community groups comprising neighbours and fellow residents in government housing areas who drop by to see if the elderly need anything. 

Not everyone can afford these services.

You can check out Love-On-Wheels, a mobile healthcare service provider at http://www.loveonwheelshealthcare.com/

In Singapore and Malaysia there are mobile or home-care services that offer nursing care for a fee depending on the level of care rendered.

Ultimately, it is an individual decision. Each family has to decide what to do with mom or dad. But just remember the price to pay should anything disastrous happen to your parent who lives alone.

One day it will be our turn to make our adult children worry about us. What will our decision be then? Will we have control over where we want to spend the rest of our lives?

My 86-year old mother is in a special home for dementia care. She is very happy there, and never fails to invite her visitors to 'stay there'. It's a long story how she ended up at the home. I shall write more about this in another blog post.

DO WE NEED A LAW TO GET US TO VISIT OUR ELDERLY PARENTS?

Source: Straits Times 8 Jan

Is filial piety is a fading value in our Asian culture? It would appear to be so according to these headlines. If you are a baby boomer, you would have parents in their 80s or 90s. How often do we make time to visit them? Or call them up on the phone to ask how they are doing?


My siblings with mom tucking into durians - her favourite fruit.

I know of siblings who never make the effort to ask after their elderly parents or visit them except for the obligatory once-a-year birthday, Mother/Father's Day and festive visits. At other times, it's a case of "Out of sight, out of mind".

On the other hand, I also know of siblings who make it a point to take their parents out for a meal every weekend, and visit at least every other day. They take turns to make the arrangements and foot the bill. They are concerned about how their parents are doing, and jointly contribute towards taking care of their parents' expenses like nursing care, maid, medical bills, health supplements and other necessities. (Pic: My mom on her 84th birthday on 10-10-10.)

Is it because adult children are too busy with their own lives, or is it because they are simply being honest in displaying their lack of filial piety? There are 1001 reasons why an increasing number of adult children don't or won't take care of their frail parents.

The top five reasons that I've heard:

• no extra room at home for their parents
• no one is free to care for them at home
• their children come first, not their parents
• they can't afford to support their parents
• their parents are not easy to live with
• they don't deserve to be taken care of

Of all the above reasons, I find the last one most unacceptable. No matter how badly our parents may have treated us in the past, we can't stand by and do nothing for them in their time of need. Their blood runs in our veins - this is something we can't deny.

And when they are gone, can we ever forgive ourselves for neglecting them in their final years?

A STORY FOR THOSE WITH ELDERLY PARENTS

(This story is posted here specially for those of us with elderly parents in their 70s or 80s.)

An 80 year old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 year-old highly educated son. Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The father asked his son, "What is this?"

The son replied, "It is a crow."

After a few minutes, the father asked his son the second time, "What is this?"

The son said, "Father, I have just told you "It's a crow".

After a little while, the old father again asked his son the third time, "What is this?"

At this time some expression of irritation was felt in the son's tone when he said to his father with a rebuff, "It's a crow, a crow."

A little after, the father again asked his son the fourth time, "What is this?"

This time the son shouted at his father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand this?"

A little later the father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his son was born. On opening a page, he asked his son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary:-

"Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated. Rather, I felt affection for my innocent child".

While the little child asked him 23 times "What is this", the father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the father asked his son the same question just four times, the son felt irritated and annoyed.

So..

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them with kind words. Be patient and considerate to your parents. From today say this aloud, "I want to see my parents happy. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered their selfless love on me.They have sacrificed to make me a person presentable in society today".

Say a prayer to God, "I will serve my old parents in the BEST way I can, no matter how they behave.