FIND YOUR TRIBE

Find your tribe - buddies who will be your support system as you journey through life in your later years. - LILY FU

Just a few decades ago, the multi-generational home was the norm. Up to four generations would live together under one roof. Today it would be a challenge to find two generations of retired parents and their adult children living under one roof. As society evolves and as lifestyles change in tandem with greater access to education and travel, adult children move out of the family home to live independently, with some settling overseas or in another part of the country.

With the children all grown and flown, the family home is now an empty nest. This is a period that can make or break a retired couple’s marriage. The Covid years was a good test.

With restrictions on movement, long-time married couples found themselves with only each other for company 24/7. A good opportunity to rekindle romance, or just the opposite – they get on each other’s nerves. If there is no meaningful communication between husband and wife, the days would be painfully long, and a test of patience and tolerance towards each other.

The couple has nothing much to say or share with each other. Silence prevails at meal times. At best the daily verbal exchanges are reduced to “Dinner is ready”, “I’m going out with my friends”, or “Have you paid the electricity bill for this month?”

Mere formalities or inconsequential utterances from old habits.

On the other hand, there are couples who grow closer now that they have the luxury of time and privacy for each other, something they did not have during the years of raising their young children. It is a time to revive fading intimacy, to appreciate each other again, and to value the limited time left in their twilight years.

For as surely as the sun rises and sets each day, there will come a day when one will go before the other. What happens then? Will the surviving spouse look forward to having the whole house to himself? Does this signal total freedom and independence to do as he likes? Or is this the start of a downhill spiral from loneliness and bereavement to depression, with no loving wife to care for him now that she is gone and he is alone.

What about the adult children? Would they open their home to their now-single parent? And would the latter choose to remain in his own home and eventually end up in a senior living facility?

If the couple’s marriage was a rocky or loveless one, then bereavement can mean freedom and liberation. If the wife has spent years looking after an ailing husband, bereavement would also mean an end to the stress of having to care for him.

For these widows, they would want to remain single. They would not entertain the possibility of marrying again. At best, they may have partners or companions but not with a view to tying the knot the second time.

There are also complications arising from a second marriage. What if the children of both sides are not too excited about the prospect of having a stepmother or stepfather? What about inheritance of property and assets upon the death of their parent? This could cause resentment from the children if an outsider enters the family picture and gets a share of their father’s assets.

Silent issues

These are real issues that many senior citizens acknowledge silently but are reluctant to bring up with their children. Having lost their spouse, they may face an uncertain future alone. They can’t and shouldn’t grieve forever. Who would take care of them in their old age, especially if they do not have a strong bond with their children?

Which boils down to the question – how prepared are we to face the future as a solo senior? Who are solo seniors? They are seniors who live alone by choice – they opt to remain single.

There are others who do so due to circumstances as in the loss of a spouse, they are divorced or separated. Other reasons include elderly parents not wanting to be a burden to their children; there is no spare room in their children’s home for them; their lifestyle differs from that of their children.

Whatever the reasons, it is estimated that as many as 9% of older Malaysians live alone, and the number is set to rise.

While solo seniors may welcome the independence, they need and seek social connections. We are social beings. There are things we can’t enjoy or do alone. There is no pleasure in eating every meal alone, or having no one to chat or laugh with every day. Your children are busy with work commitments. They have no time to spend with you.

Whatever the case, you do not want to be on your own all the time, with no one to go out with, share your fears and problems with. That is why elderly individuals who live alone end up keeping a pet dog or cat for company. Loneliness and social isolation in the elderly is a serious social ill that needs to be addressed.

The fastest way to deal with this is to take action ourselves rather than wait for the government to address this growing social problem. One effective solution is to seek out social groups that you can fit in with, that offer a wide range of activities you can take up.

Over a period of time, you will get to know certain individuals that you can click with. And if it’s mutual, they will be your tribe.

What is a tribe?

It is a group of what young people refer to as BFF – best friends forever. They are your buddies, your inner circle of friends. They will be the ones journeying with you, supporting you through all weather, and be there with you till the end.

A tribe is formed organically through getting to know other seniors at social gatherings and activities.

Your tribe doesn’t have to be big. What is more important is being able to trust one another, and be there for one another. Your tribe should preferably have a mix of different ages, from 60s to 80s, of both genders and include other solo seniors as well as married couples.

If you haven’t found your tribe, don’t wait too long. You will be amazed how having buddies to do fun things together can improve your mental health and wellbeing. The days no longer drag by. Indeed, there is something to look forward to each day: A movie outing, a concert, a hike, a trip, a game of pickle ball, a dance class or an AI workshop. An endless list of activities to fill the hours happily while enjoying some quiet time too when alone at home.

You get to enjoy the best of both worlds, with friends and by yourself. This is how life should be for solo seniors.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The print version of this article was first published in the Star on Wed 18 Dec at this link:

https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/12/18/starsilver-finding-your-tribe-in-the-golden-years

A TOAST TO REUNIONS

Fu (front row, purple tee) and friends coming together to celebrate the 80th birthday of two SeniorsAloud members.

Several invitations over the past few weeks have prompted me to write this article. There was my uncle’s 91st birthday celebration, followed by my niece’s wedding and my university mates’ meetup. What all these have in common is an opportunity to meet up and catch up with relatives and friends I have not seen for years.

Once you hit your 70s and 80s, celebrations and reunions take on a new significance. With each passing year, you mark each auspicious occasion with a silent prayer. You thank God that you are still around to attend, and they are still around to celebrate.

You notice not all of your friends and relatives have made it through each year. Some have passed on without saying goodbye.

Some are bedridden in nursing homes. You have visited a few in hospital, and you have seen the pain and suffering they go through as they battle sickness and poor health. Not all can count their blessings.

You know that life is precious. So are old friends, especially those you have been to school or college with.

You were young then, so were they. Those shared memories are forever etched in your heart. For who will laugh at your silly teenage pranks and escapades except for those who were there with you?

We cracked up as we reminisced over the silly things we did. We mimicked our teachers, and exchanged notes on who’s where now, doing what, and with whom. And we remembered with sadness those that have passed on.

We should look forward to class reunions and anniversary celebrations, rather than avoid them. Whether it is a small informal get-together at a friend’s house or a gala dinner at a hotel, we enjoy reviving the camaraderie of former school days.

My two years of Form Six in English College, Johor Baru, were among the best years of my life. They were my coming-of-age years. I was 17 then. I discovered rock n’ roll and BOYS!

I learned to dance, went on dates and had my first taste of puppy love. All very innocent though. Most teenagers then were either too naive or too goody-two-shoes to try anything more than holding hands and exchanging love letters! It’s a different world now, so I hear.

Not everyone finds walking down memory lane a pleasant stroll. For some people, it can be a painful one, filled with remembrances that are best left buried and forgotten. But to others, reminiscing on treasured memories brings joy and contentment.

Why then do so many who have retired turn down invitations to school anniversaries and class reunions?

Why is there this reluctance to meet up with old friends? I recently attended Kuen Cheng High School’s 116th anniversary. I taught English there for 30+ years. I retired in Dec 2004. I have not missed any anniversary except during the Covid years.

As is the case in past years, I know I’ll be one of only a handful of ex-colleagues who will turn up at the anniversary. The number keeps dwindling each year. Where are the others?

Here’s the usual response from those who skip such social functions:

For the ladies: “No transport. Not sure how to get there”; “Busy. Have something on the same night”; “I’ve changed so much – old and fat now. Shy to go”; “I don’t feel well. Besides I have to babysit my grandchildren”; “My husband doesn’t want to go with me, and I don’t want to go on my own”.

For the men: “It’s too far for me to drive. The traffic’s is really bad”; “I don’t see well at night. I’m not sure of the way”; “It’ll probably be boring. I prefer to stay at home”; “I don’t like them to ask what I’m doing now”; “You mean there’s a fee? It’s not free?”.

People who are not keen on attending will always come up with endless excuses. They just can’t be persuaded. Reunions are anathema to them. As I think of friends from the old days, I wonder how many of us can honestly say we have made attempts to keep in touch? It doesn’t help either that as we age, the memory of dear old friends fades with each passing year.

“Make new friends, don’t forget the old. One is silver, the other is gold.”

Remember those lines? We used to write them in our classmates’ autograph books as a reminder to keep in touch after high school.

Sadly, we can now recall only a few faces and even fewer names. And when we finally make contact, it is to learn that a former classmate has passed on, another is battling cancer and yet another is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Fortunately, there are friends who are still hale and hearty, and enjoying their second prime of life.

Fu (front row, seven from left) and friends and members meet up at University of the Third Age (U3A) Malaysia at their Hi-Tea get-together in 2022. - Photos: - LILY FU

Don’t miss the chance

If you have lost touch with friends whom you grew up with, or studied with, it’s not too late to re-establish contact. With Google, Facebook, Linked-in and a host of other social networking apps and platforms, it is easy enough to search for long-lost buddies. Unless they prefer to remain uncontactable.

Life has ups and downs, peaks and valleys. We have all been through both good and bad times. We can choose to remember the happy moments, or focus on negative past experiences that leave us feeling bitter.

So which will it be? The answer is obvious, yet there are people who choose to remember only the bad times, and that’s why they turn down invitations to meet up – because of old schoolgirl or schoolboy quarrels or some silly misunderstanding. Harboring negative emotions is akin to having toxins in our body.

When my college mates and I finished Form Six back in 1966, we went separate ways. We were too busy furthering our studies, and then pursuing a career. Before we knew it, along came the children and then one financial commitment after another.

There was hardly any time for friends or social activities. All too soon the children grew up and left to start their own career and family, leaving us with an empty nest.

Eventually when the other half passes on, it will be just us alone. That’s when loneliness starts to creep in, and regrets take over. Good friends provide an important support system that keeps us going. They help to fill the void. They are our travelling companions, partners-in-adventure, and pillars of strength in our times of need.

Having friends is good for our mental health too. Much as I enjoy my moments of solitude, I can’t imagine a life where I have only myself or my cat for company. Loneliness can slowly develop into depression over the years. And that is something we should avoid like the plague!

The next time you get an invitation to a class reunion or a small get-together of former school buddies, don’t turn it down. GO. It might be the beginning of old friendships rekindled. At our age, who can tell when we will ever get another opportunity to rekindle old friendships again.

With the year-end and new-year festive season coming up, there will be plenty of celebrations – opportunities for old and new friends to meet up.

There is the Chinese New Year reunion dinner in January, followed by various festivals and celebrations throughout the year. Will you show up at these gatherings and touch base with those you have not seen for years?

Or will it be a case of ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ till you read about their passing in the obituaries. Here’s to dear old friends wherever you are. Let’s meet up.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 20 Nov 2024. The online edition can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/11/24/starsilver-reunions-can-be-uplifting-and-build-connections-for-seniors.)

TIME TO TAKE STOCK

A sewing class for senior citizens as one of the PAWE Subang Jaya hobbycraft activities. - LILY FU

What a month it has been, and it’s not quite over yet. Oct 1 is International Day of Older Persons (IDOP). It marks the start of a month-long programme of activities and events for senior citizens.

There are seminars, carnivals, workshops, free health screenings and discounted buffets, to name a few, for them to enjoy.

A far cry from the early 2000s when the day would pass mostly unheralded. I remember a few days before Oct 1, I would scan the newspapers for any mention of upcoming events honouring senior citizens. Not a word. No mention at all.

I remember writing about the government and society’s apathetic attitude towards our older citizens. They have served the country well in their younger days and deserve to be acknowledged for their contribution to nation-building.

All that has changed, thanks to the work of international organisations like the United Nations, World Bank and Help Age International.

They have drawn worldwide attention to the rise in the elderly population, and its ramifications.

On the local front, we have NGOs like MyAgeing, Malaysian Healthy Ageing Society (MHAS), Gerontological Society of Malaysia (GEM) and others that have worked hard to raise awareness of the changing demographics and how this would impact the country.

Malaysia will reach aged nation status by 2030 when 15% of our population will be aged 60 and above.

This rise is predicted to accelerate due to longer life expectancy and a declining fertility rate.

IDOP is a time not only to celebrate our older population and recognise their contributions, but also a time to take stock. What progress have we made in improving life for our senior citizens? What more needs to be done? How prepared is the government to face the challenges brought about by a fast-greying population?

While we applaud the government for finally taking note and organising campaigns and activities to improve the health and wellbeing of senior citizens, and setting up more elderly-friendly facilities and services in public buildings, we must not forget those who are living in poverty, who are struggling with poor health, and who are victims of abuse and discrimination.

Living longer does not necessarily mean living better.

Society as a whole still views older people as unproductive, and therefore not worthy of investing money in.

Old people are considered a “lost” cause, with no ROI value. It explains why senior citizens clubs and organisations have difficulty raising money to fund their activities.

The young old – those in their 60s and 70s are still fit and certainly still able to contribute their services to society if given the opportunity.

Don’t write them off as past their productive shelf life. They can fill the gap in the shortage of younger workers in sectors such as administration and customer service.

If you are 60 and above, you are likely to have encountered instances of ageism at one time or another. Indeed, older people face age discrimination on a daily basis, especially if they lack education or financial resources.

Even at home, elderly parents find that no one listens to them. Their advice is often not sought for family decisions. They are head of the family only in name.

Giving voice to seniors

Power and money often speak louder than age. Older people in positions of influence and authority, with vast financial resources at their disposal can still command respect everywhere they go. They can take care of themselves in their old age.

It’s the rest of the retired populace that we should make a stand for. They are the voiceless ones, the silent majority who feel disadvantaged and powerless to fight against ageism. They are the ones who have fallen through the cracks, who remain unaware of what aid is available, where to seek help and who to approach.

Most of them are in the rural areas, in the small towns. They are too busy eking out a living, taking care of themselves and their families to attend courses or workshops meant to assist them.

How do we bridge this gap?

We must continue to advocate for the provision of social protection, long-term care and access to public health for the elderly. The government together with the private sector must provide more opportunities for older people to support themselves

From public transport to public housing, from healthcare to financial support, older people, in particular those from lower income group struggle to cope with living in a society that considers their needs as an afterthought.

While we seek support from the government to pass legislation to remove age discrimination, end elder abuse, provide opportunities for senior citizens to contribute their experience, society can do its part by according respect for older people so they can age with dignity. Respect for the elderly is in short supply.

The government is aware of what needs to be done, but implementation is painfully slow. The private sector has yet to fully acknowledge the impact this shift in demographics will have on the work force and on the economy.

Everyone will age

The time will come when all of us will have to wake up to the reality that global ageing is here to stay.

Any policies that uphold the rights of older people will ultimately benefit the young of today as they too will grow old one day.

To take this one step further, when a country takes good care of its elderly population, everyone benefits.

“On this International Day of Older Persons, I call on governments to do more to address the needs of older persons. The key interventions are well-known: granting universal access to social services; increasing the number and worth of pension plans; and creating laws and policies that prevent age and gender discrimination in the workplace.”

The above was the 2010 IDOP message from then UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. 14 years have passed. What have we achieved? How does our report card look?

Change is inevitable. Change takes time, but older people don’t have the luxury of time.

How long must they wait? The number of older persons is growing and this silver wave can’t be stopped. (I am loath to use the word “tsunami” as it gives a negative connotation to the rise in the elderly population.)

Not everyone has children, not everyone has brothers and sisters, but everyone has parents.

Perhaps if we can think of older people as our elderly parents, we would want to support them, care for them, respect them and do our best for them. Perhaps then we can speed up the changes that need to be carried out so that life is worth living for the elderly in their old age.

Post-budget footnote: 

However, things are looking up for senior citizens, in particular those in the lower income bracket.

Based on our Prime Minister’s Budget 2025 speech delivered in Parliament last Friday, the crumbs we have been getting for the past years have turned to slices. Hopefully these will grow bigger in the years to come.

From increased monthly welfare aid for senior citizens to more allocation for senior citizens’ activity centres, there is plenty to cheer about as IDOP draws to a close.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the print edition on 23 Oct 2024, and may be accessed HERE.)

 

LET'S EXTEND A HELPING HAND TO THE AGED IN NEED

SeniorsAloud is delighted to share our latest community project - our 2025 calendar to raise funds for two aged care homes - one in  Ampang, KL, the other in Penang. The central message remains the same as for our 2020 calendar: LIVE ACTIVE, LIVE HEALTHY, LIVE LONG.

The focus is on group activities for a healthy lifestyle and social connection. Each month features group activities that seniors can take up to improve their health and avoid social isolation which is common among older people.

For each month, there is a description of how these group activities can improve our health. It also introduces the various activity groups under SeniorsAloud e.g. Travel, Trips, Tours (3T), Arts, Books, Culture (ABC), Bits and Bytes (2B), Each group has several sub-groups e.g. karaoke, choir (under Jukebox) and hikes, walks and ping pong (under Outdoors). These activities are highlighted in the calendar.

The calendar also contains a useful list of Healthy Lifestyle Tips and the 7 Pillars of Ageing Well. You will find these tips most helpful in practising good habits for ageing well. You can refer to them the whole year through and practise them till they become part and parcel of your lifestyle. The calendar also contains the QR-codes for membership registration, SeniorsAloud FB and SeniorsAloud website.

From left: Lily, Mdm Ng Yoke Keow and Camie

SeniorsAloud members Camie Choo and founder Lily Fu visited the above home on Sunday 6 Oct 2024. They met with the home manager Mdm Goh. She showed them around the home and introduced them to some of the elderly residents there. 

In total there are 21 men and women, all senior citizens being cared for by Mdm Goh and one young helper. Most of them are mobile but not all are able to look after themselves. They were all happy to see us and have their pictures taken with us. Camie had brought some food and provisions for them. They were most appreciative of her kindness. 

Imagine cramming 21 beds into whatever space is available, including the living room and hallway. This home definitely could do with some help. It depends entirely on public donations. 

By purchasing our calendar, you can help us make a small contribution towards the upkeep of the home. RM15 is just the cost of a meal to us but when pooled together, it means a lot to these elderly. If not for Mdm Ng taking them in, they would have nowhere to go. 

If you would like to visit the home, the address is above, with the contact number. If you plan to donate some essential items, do call up first and ask what they need.

Rcently on 27 Oct during SA working trip to Penang for 50+ Expo, we visited the Peace and Harmony Home at Bukit Jambul. We were touched by what we saw when Mr Tan Swee Ban aka Ah Ban took us on a tour of the home. More photos and a video that you should watch on our SAloud FB. Below are a few to share. 

The calendars are available at IMM Carehub, 2F-08, Level 2, 163 Retail Park, Jalan Kiara, KL. 017-2100218. Other pickup places are in Bangsar, Ampang and Subang Jaya. Whatsapp 012-3068291 to arrange for pickups. No calls, please. Payment can be by cash or e-wallet (TnG). SeniorsAloud members may obtain copies at our activities and events. Kindly inform their group leaders or administrators in advance. For orders outside the Klang Valley, postal/courier services can be arranged for delivery.

For our past community projects, go to https://www.seniorsaloud.com/p/community-projects.html

WHEN MEMORIES FADE....

People with dementia will ask the same questions over and over again, forget where they keep things and accuse you of stealing their possessions, shares Fu, who cared for her late mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease more than a decade ago. - DANIE FRANCO/Unsplash

Out of curiosity I once asked some doctors which disease they dreaded most when they reached old age. Their answer surprised me. I was expecting them to say “cancer” or “stroke”. Instead, it was Alzheimer’s Disease, AD for short.

To understand the reason for their answer, let me share my 10-year journey caring for my mother who was diagnosed with AD in July 2011. By the way, September 21 is World Alzheimer’s Day. This makes my sharing timely.

Those who have been on this AD journey know it is a journey marked by challenges, frustrations and pain. But there are also moments of joy, celebrations and breakthroughs that keep carers going.

I was totally ignorant about AD back in 2011. Mom had shown early signs of memory loss, but like most people, I viewed her forgetfulness as part and parcel of natural ageing. Until she fell and fractured her right hip. The incident turned my life upside down.

I went from being completely clueless about AD to learning everything I could about it. With my mum as my travel companion and care partner, we covered the whole continuum of care: From home care to daycare to residential care and finally to nursing home care.

Initially it was just forgetting dates, names and places. Then she started forgetting to close the front door when going out, or turn off the gas after cooking. Her forgetfulness was becoming increasingly more serious. She was also getting more argumentative, irrational and even aggressive. It made me wonder perhaps I was adopting the wrong approach in responding to her actions.

Her second fall four years later in July 2015 worsened her condition. This time she fractured her left femur and had to have surgery to insert a device called “proximal femoral nail anti-rotation” or PFNA.

Understandably, she developed a phobia of falling again. She adamantly refused physiotherapy after she was discharged from hospital.

Her leg muscles eventually grew so weak she never walked again. She became wheelchair-bound.

Over the years as the disease advanced, she gradually became a shadow of her former self. In her final years, she wasn’t able to eat or speak.

She could only make sounds, having forgotten the words to articulate. She didn’t know who I was or even who she was.

Fu celebrating her mum's 92nd birthday. She passed on at age 95 in 2021. - LILY FU

Learning about Alzheimer’s

In my determination to learn how to look after my mum better, and understand her needs, I enrolled for a full-time Master of Science in Applied Gerontology at Nanyang Technological University (NTU) in Singapore.

It would help me understand the science of ageing and be in an informed position to help others face the challenges of growing old.

One of the electives I took was Mental Health. I learned that dementia was an umbrella term for several mental illnesses such as Lewy Body Dementia, Vascular Dementia, Parkinson’s Disease Dementia and Alzheimer’s Disease, depending on which part of the brain was affected.

I also learned that AD can be hereditary if a parent or a sibling has the APOE gene that causes AD. That put me at risk. My great grandma probably had it, based on what I now know about AD.

So did at least two of my aunts. And now my mum. All women. AD affects women more than men. Another risk factor.

Here’s a third risk. Blows to the head that cause traumatic brain injury may also result in a higher risk of dementia later in life.

I have had three major head injuries – on my forehead when I was six years old, at the back of my head when I was knocked down and fell backwards on the road, and the most recent in July this year at the right side of my head when I tripped and hit my head against the side of the table. Fortunately, although all three required stitches, there was no fracture or internal bleeding.

But the risk of developing dementia later in life is always there. Rather than allow fear and anxiety take over my life, I prefer to not think about it and instead, focus on the positives. I still have my mental faculties intact. I continue to read, write and give talks. I keep myself physically and mentally active, and socially engaged.

Our brain cells are capable of neuroplasticity and neurogenesis if we keep exercising them through lifelong learning and mental stimulation.

Caring for persons with dementia

It requires endless patience, resilience and energy to keep up with the person with dementia’s constant needs and demands.

Emotional or psychological abuse is common among sole caregivers. There is no rest as you are on duty 24/7 at home. There is no one else to relieve you. It is so easy to succumb to stress brought on by fatigue and lack of rest/sleep.

People with dementia will ask the same questions over and over again, forget where they keep things and accuse you of stealing their possessions. You have to keep an eye on them all the time. If they leave the house on their own, they would likely be lost, unable to remember the way home.

Today there is more awareness of AD and how to cope with caregiver burnout.

Alzheimer Disease Foundation Malaysia (ADFM) conducts regular talks and workshops on caregiving, and has set up a strong support group for caregivers. They operate a daycare at their premises in Petaling Jaya and an information centre at Atria Mall.

Dementia daycare and residential care services are now available in most towns. Many aged care centres offer workshops and training on dementia care. The bigger hospitals have designated dementia wards. The Universiti Malaya Medical Centre has a Memory Clinic, and Dr Cecilia Chan is breaking new ground with her fun activities and patient-centred caregiving at the BSC Eldercare Centre in Butterworth.

Alzheimer’s Disease International (ADI) estimates over 10 million new cases of AD each year worldwide.

With Malaysia fast heading towards aged nation status by 2040, we need to be prepared for the rise in dementia cases. The longer life span will mean a longer period of caregiving. We need to equip ourselves with learning as much as we can, not only to look after others with AD, but also to recognise the early signs and know what to do to prevent AD.

Alzheimer’s Association lists these 10 Early Signs of Alzheimer’s.

• Memory loss that disrupts daily life.

• Challenges in planning or solving problems

• Difficulty completing familiar tasks

• Confusion with time or place

• Trouble understanding visual images and spatial relationships

• Problems with words in speaking or writing

• Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps

• Decreased or poor judgment

• Withdrawal from work or social activities

• Changes in mood and personality

There is currently no cure for AD. However, ongoing research points to very encouraging results for a cure in the near future. The best prevention is to adopt an active and healthy lifestyle. Remember not only to exercise our body, but also our brain. Keep learning new things. Challenge ourselves physically and mentally. And for the carers out there, know that you are not alone. There are support groups that you can reach out to.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The print version was first published on Wed 18 Sept 2024. The online version is accesible at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/09/25/starsilver-when-memories-start-to-fade)

DONT' LET CLUTTER TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR HOME AND YOUR LIFE

If you find it extremely stressful to throw anything of yours away, you may have a hoarding problem. - LUCIA SORRENTINO/Unsplash

‘One man’s treasure is another man’s trash’. How true when it comes to our earthly belongings. Our treasure could be junk to our children. We are from different generations, with different lifestyles and different tastes.

The more stuff we accumulate, the bigger the burden we leave for our children to dispose of when we pass on, as we all will, eventually.

It’s time to start getting rid of things we no longer have any use for. Decluttering makes sense. No need to wait till we are in our twilight years to do so. Decluttering frees up space in our home and keeps it clean and tidy, spick and span.

There is also less risk of tripping and falling when there is less clutter. The home is better ventilated and easier to maintain. It creates a conducive and healthy environment for work and relaxation. With less clutter, we not only think better but also locate items we are looking for more easily.

Indeed, a number of my friends have already started the process. They have hosted garage sales to dispose of stuff they no longer want. Some have gone online to sell their preloved items at a bargain. Others have donated unwanted items to charity or sent them to recycling centres. One even generously gave away her expensive quality furniture on a first-come basis!

As for me, I have a very long way to go before I can honestly give myself a pat on the shoulder and say, ‘Well done! Marie Kondo would be proud of me!’

I have cupboards and boxes full of books, files, photos and numerous Teachers Day gifts accumulated over 35 years of teaching. Then there is my home library of books I have bought over the years, with many still unread and gathering dust and attracting silverfish! A predicament very familiar to retired seniors.

So, declutter I will, and the sooner I get started, the quicker I can enjoy the comfort of an airy, clean and spacious home. Not only does clutter deprive us of space and a tidy home, more importantly, it affects our health. We are at risk of developing respiratory problems from the dust and suffering bites from mites. Minimalism is the way to go for seniors.

I have contacted a few former colleagues who teach English and offered them my collection of textbooks and reference books. I have left several boxes of books with the PJ library. Strangely enough, it wasn’t too painful a decision to part with the books. I felt a sense of relief knowing the books would be in good hands and put to good use.

There were plenty of takers for my prized collection of cassettes and CDs of popular songs from the 1960s-70s. It was painful for me to part with them as some of the songs marked certain poignant moments in my past.

Next up were my clothes. Believe me, I still have clothes from the 1960s, like my Form Five graduation dress which I had designed and persuaded my dear seamstress, Aunt Bertha, to sew for me. I had kept it for nostalgic reasons.

Also, the sexy high-slit, figure-hugging glittering cheongsam that I last wore at my birthday party during my Form Six days at English College, Johor Bahru. I have been preserving these outfits in the hope that I’ll slim down enough to wear them again someday. Fat chance! It is a miracle these outfits have stood the test of time.

Seniors will tell you things from the old days were more durable, unlike today’s products that are not made to last.

A good idea would be to keep clearing your possessions in small batches to avoid hoarding.- LILY FU

Don’t be a hoarder

The sudden urge to clean up my apartment was also a result of seeing some horrific images and videos of hoarders and their homes. Just do a search of hoarders on FB and YouTube, and you’ll be appalled.

Imagine the horror of living in a house where every inch of space from floor to ceiling is filled with junk and garbage, not to mention infested with rats, cockroaches and other unmentionables! This is accumulating stuff to the extreme!

When we don’t declutter and keep on adding more stuff, we are at risk of falling victim to Diogenes Syndrome, also known as senile squalor syndrome. Google the term.

Hoarders are often older adults who live on their own. With no one to stop them from accumulating stuff, and with the whole house to themselves, they start filling up every room with anything they can lay their hands on, in the belief that it will come in handy someday. That day usually never comes, and so the boxes and bags of useless items keep growing. Eventually the whole place becomes a fire threat and a death trap!

After years of hoarding, the hoarder gets so overwhelmed when he looks around him that he doesn’t even know where to begin clearing even if he wants to. So, he gives up and continues to let the junk pile up.

I can understand why some elderly people hoard. They find it hard to throw away things. They have been through the war years in the 1940s when food and basic necessities were in short supply. They have experienced the lean years.

So now they collect anything and everything, from empty containers and plastic bags to used newspapers and magazines. They see every item as being of use some day. When this habit extends to leftover food and perishables, you can imagine the stink it creates, not to mention the flies it attracts. The nightmare is compounded if the hoarder also brings home stray cats and dogs.

So, my spring cleaning has begun. If I wait till the new year, I may never get started. Procrastination is the thief of time. The process will take time, and it will be heart-breaking. Long retired seniors like me have a lifetime of mementos and memories that we hold precious and keep for sentimental reasons: School report cards, baby photos, love letters, diaries, 33 rpm records ... the list goes on.

But there are some items I will never throw out, like my high school essay book containing the compositions I wrote back in 1964 when I was sweet sixteen! Also handmade birthday cards from my children and grandchildren. They will enjoy the memories these cards bring up. These are among the favorite things that I will keep close to my heart.

Here are some tips I can think of on how to avoid cluttering our home. I’ll be the first person to follow my own advice!

• Throw out or donate anything that you haven’t used or worn for the past two years. It may pain you but be firm.

• Avoid buying anything you don’t have any immediate use for. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “Hmm...this might come in handy one day”.

• Practice sorting things and keeping them in separate compartments. This not only saves space but makes it easier to locate things.

• Regularly go through your fridge and pantry. Check food items for their expiry date. If expired, chuck them out.

• Get rid of the “bargain mentality”. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need just because it’s on offer at a fantastic discount. Keep purchases to a minimum, especially if you are living alone. Don’t be taken in with those “Buy six, Free one”.

• If something is broken, throw it out. Don’t hang on to it in the hope that you will be able to repair it. That may never happen.

Avoid buying items for a future project unless you can commit to it. Examples: buying a sewing machine to sew a baby quilt for your future grandchild; investing in a full set of handyman tools because you plan to be Mr D.I.Y. Home Fix-It, only to discover later that home repairs are best done by a professional!

Who knows where we may live 10, 20 years from now. There may come a day when we have to move to a smaller house. Empty nesters may have to seriously consider downsizing for practical reasons. We may end up moving to our daughter’s house so she could better care for us in our old age. Or we may find ourselves in an aged care home. If any of that happens, imagine all the stuff we will have to dispose of, moving from a 3-room family home to a single room!

It’s never too early or too late to start decluttering. Just do it!

When it comes to the last goodbye, we have to leave all our possessions behind. We came into this world with nothing, and will leave with nothing. The true worth of our lives is measured by our experiences, not our possessions. It is enough if we can say we have left behind a legacy of beautiful memories for our loved ones.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(This article was first oublished in the print edition of The Star on Wed 28 Aug 2024. The online edition can be accessed at the link below)

https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/08/30/not-quite-in-plain-sight/

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL....

 
by LILY FU

In our youth, we loved the mirror. It was kind to us. We looked at our reflection first thing in the morning, last thing before we went to bed at night and countless times in between. We would never pass by a mirror without taking a peek at ourselves in it.

But, as the years roll by, we avoid this habit. Indeed, we dread to see the ageing reflection of ourselves – wrinkles, sagging skin, droopy eyes and all. Quite depressing.

As if to remind me that I am not spared, of late, images of ageing celebrities have been popping up on my Facebook. Celebrities who were once upon a time my teenage pop idols in the 1960s are now octogenarians.

Mick Jagger is 80, Paul McCartney, 82 and Bachelor Boy Cliff Richard is now 83. The “Young Ones” are now the “Young Once”! Age has also not spared the movie sweethearts from my school days. Goldie Hawn has turned 78, Ali MacGraw is a greying 85. The granddaddy of all must be Clint Eastwood at 94. Such painful reminders!

Some have aged well like fine wine; others are doing all they can to fight the physical ravages time has wreaked on them.

Whatever the heart desires

Let’s face it. Ageing is something that happens to all of us. At best, we can camouflage the lines with cosmetics, hide the grey hair with colour and, if we have the money, go for botox, face lifts, eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty and hair transplant. It’s not only facial. We can also go for a complete physical makeover of the body – breast implants, liposuction, silicone buttock implants and whatever the heart desires.

If money is not an issue, regaining physical youthful beauty is possible and available, from head to toe. Plastic surgeons are the darlings and gurus of rich older women.

If all else fails, and if we need reassurance that we still look good at our age, there is always digital technology to enhance our looks. Remember the days of glamour photos in the early 2000s? The photo studio would touch up the photos and make us look like cover girls. Now with filters on our smartphones and AI apps, we can be digitally transformed in a matter of seconds into a Ms Malaysia hopeful!

This desire to still look young and pretty stems from the social stigma attached to ageing. Why are women in particular so defensive about disclosing their age?

A simple question “How old are you?” is invariably answered with “Guess!” – No straight answers there. It becomes a game, an annoying one.

Why do women pour so much money into futile attempts to stay forever young? Judging by the advertisements in men’s magazines, our male counterparts are feeling the same way about turning back the clock.

More men are now chasing that elixir of youth too, as evident from the rising demand for skincare products for men.

Growing old is natural and inevitable. Why fight it or try to reverse it? That would be like trying to stem the tide. Age is just a number. We should be proud of our age. No need to hide it. We should look at our wrinkles as life-lines of experience, and our greying hair as threads of wisdom.

There is no such thing as “anti-ageing” and “reverse ageing”. These are terms popularly used to market beauty and skin care products. At best we can slow down the ageing process.

With an active, healthy lifestyle, we can look younger than our chronological age. Don’t be taken in by commercials that promote miracle anti-ageing products that promise to take years off our age within weeks. There are no short-cut fixes to prevent ageing. It takes effort, not miracles.

The youthful seniors among us are born with great genes that slow down the ageing process.

They look terrific for their age, whatever it is. We have all met such blessed individuals and secretly admire them, envy them.

For those among us who can only afford medium price-range cosmetics to look good, be comforted to know that less is always more when it comes to make-up for older women.

Unless we know how to apply make-up expertly to look younger and more natural, we may end up looking like a painted Chinese opera performer.

Piling on heavy makeup actually makes us look old! It’s a futile attempt at covering up. Who are we kidding?

Branded cosmetics are expensive. Wearing make-up is addictive. Once we are used to having our face all made up whenever we go out, or when we have company, we will feel naked to be seen sans make-up. It is ironic to pay for cosmetics that promise to give users that ‘bare’ or natural look!

Where are the over-50s in beauty advertisements? After all, there are plenty of beautiful older women who look good enough to lend credibility to skincare products that are being promoted. - NASHUA VOLQUEZ-YOUNG/Pexels

Confident women don’t mind being seen in public with minimal make-up on their face. They know outer beauty is only skin-deep. It is what’s inside that makes them glow on the outside – inner strength of character and a positive attitude towards life. A cliché but true.

Having a passion for a worthy cause or devoting our time to helping others nourishes the joie de vivre in us. An excellent example is theatre doyen Faridah Merican, 84, a natural beauty sans makeup. She has found her calling in life and that keeps her youthful.

If going under the knife to look good makes you feel confident about yourself, or if you are doing it for functional reasons rather than aesthetic like getting dental implants, by all means go for it. Just don’t overdo it or you might end up looking really fake with all that plastic surgery.

Make sure you get an experienced and certified surgeon. There have been too many cases of surgeries gone wrong with the patient ending up with permanent scars or worse – disfigurement.

And if you are prepared to spend on costly anti-ageing products, make sure you do the research and find out if the products are genuine and effective. Otherwise, it’ll be money down the drain.

Where are the older models?

It’s time for the beauty industry to feature older women in their ads especially those promoting skincare and hair growth products. Enough of featuring women in their 30s and 40s to promote anti-wrinkle creams.

There is no shortage of beautiful women in the 50s and above who look youthful enough to lend credibility to the skincare product they are promoting.

With the world’s ageing population growing, the anti-ageing industry can only go from strength to strength in terms of revenue generated. This includes supplements to help us regain and retain vitality.

Aesthetic surgeons will likely be among the most sought after of medical professionals, as there will always be men and women who refuse to accept growing old.

For the rest of us who prefer to let nature take its course, just remember that growing older isn’t all that dreadful if we still enjoy good health, have plenty of good friends and a family that loves us and cares about us.

So let us accept ageing as inevitable, smile and make every single day count by living it positively. That to me is ageing gracefully.

Michelle Yeoh gestures in Paris, France, during the opening ceremony of the 2024 Summer Olympics. Yeoh, according to the columnist, is a great example of how to age gracefully.- AP

Our very own Michelle Yeoh, now officially a senior citizen at 61, is showing us just how to age well.

The same with DJ Dave who is a dashing 76!

It takes courage to accept ageing. Not all succeed. When we harbour negative emotions like regrets, bitterness, self-pity, we will soon spiral down into depression. That’s the fastest way to age. We will end up looking older than our age.

Invest in joy, love, forgiveness, gratitude. Eat sensibly. Exercise regularly. Enjoy the sunshine.

Nourish our skin with moisturisers. Smile often. Have a hearty laugh every now and then. Make positive words a part of our daily vocabulary. Think good thoughts.

Know the most effective way to look good? SMILE! It’s instant, free, easy and guaranteed to make us look good and feel good. That’s why we smile for photos. A genuine friendly smile given is almost certain to be reciprocated. Try it.

The next time you look in the mirror, tell yourself this:

“I will wear my age with pride, like a badge of honour, for I have conquered; I have thrived; I have survived!”

(Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.)

The above article was first published in the print edition of the Star on 31 July 2024, and the online edition on 2 August 2024.

Reviving the kampung spirit in our residential neighbourhoods

Fu (left) with Pn Hafsah and Mrs Lim, who often share their harvest of fruit and plants with their neighbours. - LILY FU

 By Lily Fu

Where would you see yourself living in your old age?

Pose this question to a senior citizen. Almost invariably the answer is “at home”. As a senior citizen myself, and speaking on behalf of those in my senior community, of course, we would love to spend our retirement years in one of the upmarket senior living resorts that have sprung up in recent years to cater to the growing ageing population.

The oohs and aahs each time we visit one of these establishments! How we would love to spend our golden years in comfort and have everything done for us – meals, laundry, housekeeping, with access to facilities like karaoke, theatre, gym and pool. And for those who need a little more care or pampering – healthcare and wellness services are available.

But we know that is wishful thinking. Few can afford the RM5,000-RM8,000 monthly fees to enjoy the perks of living in a Club Med style retirement home. It’s a question of affordability, not availability.

There is at least half a dozen such five-star senior residences open for long-term stay. But the take-up has been slow so far.

Given ageing at home as the overwhelming choice, perhaps it’s time we looked at how we can make this option viable and safe for our seniors.

Aside from installing age-friendly facilities in the home, such as easy accessibility, adequate lighting, hand rails, grab bars and non-slip flooring, we also need to provide care and security for elderly residents who choose to live their remaining years in the comfort and familiarity of their own home.

What I am proposing is a new model for community living in urban townships. We need to transplant the kampung spirit in our cities and towns. Today we have the sad situation of neighbours living within the same block of apartments, sharing the same premises for years, yet not know one another.

They are total strangers – no names, no smiles or greetings when their paths cross in the common areas.

The two years of living under Covid SOP restrictions has shown that we need to support one another to get through difficult times.

That’s why reviving the community spirit is so crucial – not just for the elderly but also for all residents regardless of age. When there is an emergency, neighbours are ready to assist.

We need to build that communal environment to support ageing in place.

This would require a new and expanded role for the Residents’ Management Committee (RMC). I have always felt the RMCs should play a much bigger role beyond collecting maintenance fees and supervising the common areas.

Let me take where I live as an example. I moved in when the housing project was completed in 1990. Having lived there for 34 years, and having observed the interaction (or lack of) among the residents, I am convinced it is time for a new model of residential living.

But first, some changes are necessary. Here are some of my proposals:

Start a residents’ service directory

The management office already has all the files. Just add on other info e.g. residents’ field of expertise, work experience, services they can provide e.g. child/elder care, food catering, home tuition.

The RMC can promote this to the residents who can then decide whether they want to be included in this directory or not. It’s on a voluntary basis.

This directory will come in useful to link residents who require certain services with residents who have such services to offer, whether on a gratis basis or as a source of income.

No more anxiety about whether your elderly parent is safe alone at home knowing that a neighbour is helping to look after him.

Consider the convenience of home repair services just doors away, or meals, personal grooming, tailoring as well as physiotherapy delivered at your door-step.

Getting a ride from a neighbour is just a call or a few doors away, inviting some of them over for mahjong or bridge, or sharing some food, watching a football match together on TV or a movie on Netflix. More fun than watching it alone.

The acts of communal living are endless. Not all neighbours are friendly but once we get to know them better, they may turn out to be really nice people.

Community space

The multi-function rooms or community hall could be used for cooking demonstrations, health talks or workshops. I recall years ago we celebrated festivals e.g. Hari Raya, Mooncake festival, Deepavali in the common areas.

Neighbours brought their home-cooked dishes for the pot-luck dinner. The children had a great time running around while their parents chatted. I miss those get-togethers.

They tapered off when the RMC underwent changes over the years with each new committee. The reason given was always lack of funds. I am more inclined to think it was lack of initiative as pot-luck meals do not involve any cost to the RMC.

A community garden

My taman doesn’t have a community garden but those on the ground floor have a small patch that many have converted into a fruit/veg/herbal garden. I love the neighbourly spirit of some of the residents.

One good example is Puan Hafsah who lovingly tends to her herbal and spice garden daily. There is also Mrs Lim who prefers to plant flowers and vegetables.

She has several varieties of orchids in her corner lot garden. Both are happy to share their herbs and veggies with anyone who asks. In the common areas the gardeners hired by the management have planted moringa, tapioca, aloe vera, lemon grass, chilli padi and more.

Residents can help themselves to these.

Activities and services

When the kampung spirit is there, it’s easy to organise early morning walks or exercises e.g. tai chi, led by a volunteer resident. Every morning some of my neighbours go brisk walking or slow jogging around the gated premises.

We greet one another with a smile and “Selamat Pagi”. As there are nine blocks of apartments, going three to four rounds within the compound is sufficient for a good workout.

In my taman, we may not have a pool, but we have a small convenience store that serves the residents with basic essentials, including cooking gas.

There is also a small shelter for short-term stay for cats when their owners are away. A section is partitioned off as a sick bay to isolate the sick ones.

The management office staff helps to look after the cats. There is an outdoor gym and a children’s playground. I love to sit at my balcony in the evenings and watch the boys come out to play football or rounders, while the little children enjoy themselves at the playground with their mothers keeping a watchful eye on them.

It is an opportunity for the mothers to socialise with other parents. There used to be a library/reading room where the children could go to read or do their homework.

I hope the recently elected committee will revive this.

Such a concept can be easily implemented and supported by social media platforms like Facebook, Telegram and WhatsApp. Getting all residents to come on board in a WhatsApp chat group would help to foster a community spirit. Really, there’s no excuse for not trying out this model.

When residents see the benefits, more will come on board to offer their services and earn some income. The seniors themselves must stay active and in good health, so they can remain independent and mobile for as long as possible.

Only then can they opt for ageing-in-place. Otherwise, the only option is to move to an aged care facility or a nursing home.

With Malaysia’s population moving towards aged nation status by 2030, and with the number of older adults living alone rising, reviving the kampung spirit makes a lot of sense.

I hope more residents’ management committees will take up this model of community living. It can be easily adopted in condos, apartment blocks, PPR flats and housing gardens. There is nothing to lose but so much to gain when neighbours come together in the kampung spirit of cooperation or gotong royong.

The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star under the column 'Grey Matters' on Wed 3 July 2024. The online version can be accessed at 

https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/07/04/reviving-the-kampung-spirit-in-our-residential-neighbourhoods

(Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.)

THINKING OF GETTING A JOB? GOOD LUCK IF YOU ARE OVER 50!

If you are seriously contemplating getting back into the work force, especially if you have not worked for 10-20 years, not only will you face stiff competition from younger job applicants, but there is also the question of qualifications, says Fu. - 123rf

Just like the younger generation, older folks need jobs too. The longer life expectancy of 73.8 years (71.5 years for males and 76.3 for females) is both a boon and a bane. EPF savings and pensions are simply not enough to see recently retired workers through.

There are housing and car loans to pay off, insurance premiums and credit card debts to settle. Many still have to support their elderly family members and cover the latter’s medical expenses. As it is, we are already complaining about escalating prices and soaring expenses. With inflation eating into our nest egg, we just have to rethink our options – full retirement or reemployment?

Financial experts say that we would need to have at least RM1mil in retirement savings to enjoy the level of lifestyle we were accustomed to before retirement. EPF says contributors should have least RM240,000 in basic savings by the time they retire. As of 2023, only 33% of EPF contributors have achieved this target.

Not surprising there is a clear shift for countries to raise the retirement age or do away with it altogether to enable more workers to continue working and save more. Singapore allows for contractual employment till 67. Taxi drivers there can work up to age 75. Malaysia raised the retirement age from 55 to 60 in 2013.

The initial protest from EPF contributors was not unexpected as many were eagerly waiting to withdraw lump sums for the plans they had made. But since then, most have come to accept the reality of the need to work for as long as they are able and save as much as possible.

Raising the retirement age makes sense on several fronts. It eases the government’s burden to provide welfare assistance for our senior citizens. Having working parents relieves adult children of financial support for them. Finally, keeping busy at the workplace helps older workers remain active both physically, mentally and socially. All of which contributes to ageing well.

However, herein lies the problem. While older workers may want to continue working, companies are reluctant to hire them. Employers will give 101 reasons why they can’t or won’t hire applicants above age 50. They say older workers are too expensive, they take too many days off on medical leave, they are not as productive as younger ones, they lack the required skills, etc.

Some companies have cut salaries of rehired older workers by as much as 30%, reduced medical benefits, and in some cases, taken away bonuses. It all boils down to “take it or leave it”, with the employer having the upper hand. Unless they have skills or expertise that is much sought after, older workers are in a weak position to negotiate for better terms.

It’s sad really that one day you are drawing a salary of X ringgit. The very next day your value to the company depreciates for no reason other than you’ve just hit 60. If you continue to do the same work, it’s only fair that you continue to receive the same pay. Anything less is clearly a case of discrimination against older workers.

But having said that, retirees and retrenched mature workers seeking to rejoin the workforce should not be too picky about job offers and make demands like asking to be paid the same as their last drawn salary. Both parties can work out mutually beneficial terms.

Some advice

If you are seriously contemplating getting back into the work force, especially if you have not worked for 10-20 years, not only will you face stiff competition from younger job applicants, but there is also the question of qualifications.

University degrees obtained in the 1970s-80s cannot compare with those obtained today which are so much more specialised and more relevant to the particular job specifications.

Fields of study were limited then. Today one could select from a myriad of courses. It’s the same with professional qualifications. A diploma in secretarial studies awarded in the 1980s would probably not equip you with the skills needed in the modern office of today. So much has changed since.

What this means is you need to upgrade your skills so that you will remain current and relevant. Knowing how to use the latest office software programs is a necessity. Keeping up to date with industry news and trends is vital if you want to ace the interview.

As for your CV, do update it, and keep it to one A4 size page. Omit mention of anything that is older than 10 years unless it is relevant to the job specifications. As for your personal photo, make sure it is less than a year old. Avoid digitalised photos. You don’t want your interviewers to do a double-take when you show up looking nothing like the young man or woman in the photo.

This brings us next to your interview attire. It is safest to dress casual but smart. Ladies, avoid fashion trends. Don’t show up in frumpy auntie clothes either. No chunky jewelry, heavy make-up and badly coloured hair. Guys, the same rule of casual smart applies. A neck- tie is fine, but a coat is too formal, unless you are applying for a top senior management position. You might even make the interviewers feel under-dressed if none of them are wearing a coat! No jeans or T-shirts, please. Make sure your shoes shine. Look confident and poised. Have a firm handshake. Older people love to talk and share their stories, but keep that to social gatherings, not at job interviews. Keep your answers to the point, and if asked to elaborate, stay within the topic. Don’t bore them with irrelevant anecdotes of your past achievements.

Having said that, you do have some pluses that might clinch you the job. Your wealth of experience is one of them, that is, provided you are seeking re-employment in the same industry that you retired from.

Older workers are known to be generally more committed, more patient and more loyal than younger workers. They don’t job-hop, ask for emergency leave frequently or indulge in office politics.

Be prepared to make some adjustments. For one, be prepared to take a slightly lower pay than your last drawn salary. Also, be prepared to swallow your pride as you may be working under a much younger boss. Three, don’t expect the same employee benefits you enjoyed previously. This is a different company, and you are considered a new staff recruit. So don’t make the mistake of demanding this and that when you haven’t even got a toe in the door yet!

Most important of all, ask yourself if this job is really what you want. You must enjoy your work, whether it is full time or part time. Remember, at age 50+, you don’t want to stress yourself out by dragging your feet to work. Your take-home pay may boost your retirement savings and provide for your daily essentials, but it should not put your mental and emotional health at risk. It is not worth it. There are other options to explore if you need to grow your nest egg.

Like it or not, with countries experiencing declining birth rates and declining mortality rate, companies will soon have to face the inevitable. The young working population is shrinking. Companies will have no choice but to draw on older workers for their staff recruitment. Just make sure you are employment-ready.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star under the column 'Grey Matters' on Wed 5 June 2024. The online version can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/06/07/thinking-of-getting-a-job-good-luck-if-you-are-over-50)

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

WHEN HAPPENS WHEN YOUR ABUSER IS IN THE FAMILY?

Most abused parents would rather suffer in silence than go public about their ungrateful children. After all, who would want to lose face by dragging their family name through the mud? - 123rf

We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers in aged care homes physically abusing the elderly in their care. We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people.

Carig for the elderly requires a lot of patience, tolerance and dedication. It’s a calling, and if you don’t have it, you will end up inflicting harm on the very people you are supposed to look after! You are not cut out for the profession. QUIT!

Feeding, bathing and changing the diapers of an 80-year-old is vastly different from performing the same tasks for a cherubic, adorable eight-month-old. It takes super-human patience and infinite compassion to do so 24 hours a day often with no break or day off. Not everyone can handle the stress, especially caring for the frail elderly with dementia, who cannot understand you or follow instructions.

Caring for the elderly exerts a heavy toll on the mental state of the carer. If you are still working, think twice about leaving your elderly parent alone in the care of a full-time maid who is doing the job solely for the salary. Most domestic helpers are not trained as caregivers.

While we hear of elder abuse cases in aged care homes, in reality, there are more cases of elder abuse at the hands of family members. Statistics in the Health Ministry’s National Health and Morbidity Survey 2018 found that one in 11 elderly were at risk of abuse at the hands of someone they trust.

The figures are expected to rise in tandem with the changing demographics. Malaysia is on track to reach aged nation status by 2040.

The elderly from lower socio-economic strata are the most vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. It is not uncommon to hear of adult children exploiting their elderly parents for their own financial gains. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names. For whatever reasons, these children can’t wait to inherit from their parents.

That would take too long. We have read in the media of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties. In a society where cash is king, and wealth equals power, the elderly without much assets to their name have no voice, no rights. They become easy victims of elder abuse.

The most common abuse is verbal or emotional. In moments of stress, anger or frustration, family carers lose patience with their elderly parents, chiding them, belittling them, even threatening them with the possibility of packing them off to a welfare home for old folks. They are ignored, neglected, even shamed in front of others, and constantly told they are “useless” and “should die quickly”.

There have been reports of children abandoning their elderly parents in hospitals or at bus stops.

End the stigma and shame

Most abused parents would rather suffer in silence than go public about their ungrateful children. After all, who would want to lose face by dragging their family name through the mud?

But the neighbours are aware. They have seen the bruises; they have heard the cries. But few would make a report as, “It’s none of my business. It’s a family matter.”

There are also highly educated, successful adult children who are ashamed of their illiterate parents. They have no qualms or guilt about confining their parents to a room at the back of the house with strict orders not to come out when there are visitors or guests in the house.

Are these cases in the minority or are they the tip of the iceberg?

What is the world coming to when children can chase their parents out into the streets, siphon off their savings or isolate them from their friends?

Is this a failure of our education system or a breakdown of the family system, or both?

Filial piety is becoming rare these days. Countries such as Singapore and India have implemented the Maintenance of Parents Act whereby parents can report their adult children to a tribunal for failure to provide financial support and care.

When adult children face problems in their business or marriage, or are struggling with heavy debts, it is easy to take out their frustrations on their elderly parents who are vulnerable and unable to defend themselves. Life becomes unbearable for their elderly parents. It is no wonder many say they prefer to die than suffer at the hands of their own children.

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

It may sound rather selfish, but retirees must protect their retirement funds and their home if they choose to age in place. Keep working if you are physically able to be financially independent for as long as possible. There are just too many horror stories of abandoned or abused elderly.

What to do

Here are some things parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their own children:

• Continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age

• Look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s, 80s and beyond.

• Protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.

• Have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times

• Seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal

• Know you are not alone in this. Join a support group.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children to respect our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

The Chinese have a saying that translates to, “When the children are big, it is their world”. How true, especially when it involves money and property. When elderly parents have to depend on their adult children for a roof over their head or food on the table, they lose all say in matters of importance.

The key lies in building a strong bond between parents and children, and nurturing this bond through the years. Children who are neglected or abused, are more likely to grow into adults who are abusive towards their parents.

The advice to young parents – teach your children universal values, including filial piety and responsibility. Be good role models yourself. Do not give them a chance to turn around one day and say, “But ma and pa, you never really took care of us when we were young, so don’t expect us to take care of you in your old age.”

How we treat our elderly parents will determine how our children will treat us in our twilight years.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the column Grey Matters in the Star on Wednesday, 08 May 2024, with the online edition on 12 April at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/05/08/what-happens-when-your-abuser-is-in-the-family?)