Reviving the kampung spirit in our residential neighbourhoods

Fu (left) with Pn Hafsah and Mrs Lim, who often share their harvest of fruit and plants with their neighbours. - LILY FU

 By Lily Fu

Where would you see yourself living in your old age?

Pose this question to a senior citizen. Almost invariably the answer is “at home”. As a senior citizen myself, and speaking on behalf of those in my senior community, of course, we would love to spend our retirement years in one of the upmarket senior living resorts that have sprung up in recent years to cater to the growing ageing population.

The oohs and aahs each time we visit one of these establishments! How we would love to spend our golden years in comfort and have everything done for us – meals, laundry, housekeeping, with access to facilities like karaoke, theatre, gym and pool. And for those who need a little more care or pampering – healthcare and wellness services are available.

But we know that is wishful thinking. Few can afford the RM5,000-RM8,000 monthly fees to enjoy the perks of living in a Club Med style retirement home. It’s a question of affordability, not availability.

There is at least half a dozen such five-star senior residences open for long-term stay. But the take-up has been slow so far.

Given ageing at home as the overwhelming choice, perhaps it’s time we looked at how we can make this option viable and safe for our seniors.

Aside from installing age-friendly facilities in the home, such as easy accessibility, adequate lighting, hand rails, grab bars and non-slip flooring, we also need to provide care and security for elderly residents who choose to live their remaining years in the comfort and familiarity of their own home.

What I am proposing is a new model for community living in urban townships. We need to transplant the kampung spirit in our cities and towns. Today we have the sad situation of neighbours living within the same block of apartments, sharing the same premises for years, yet not know one another.

They are total strangers – no names, no smiles or greetings when their paths cross in the common areas.

The two years of living under Covid SOP restrictions has shown that we need to support one another to get through difficult times.

That’s why reviving the community spirit is so crucial – not just for the elderly but also for all residents regardless of age. When there is an emergency, neighbours are ready to assist.

We need to build that communal environment to support ageing in place.

This would require a new and expanded role for the Residents’ Management Committee (RMC). I have always felt the RMCs should play a much bigger role beyond collecting maintenance fees and supervising the common areas.

Let me take where I live as an example. I moved in when the housing project was completed in 1990. Having lived there for 34 years, and having observed the interaction (or lack of) among the residents, I am convinced it is time for a new model of residential living.

But first, some changes are necessary. Here are some of my proposals:

Start a residents’ service directory

The management office already has all the files. Just add on other info e.g. residents’ field of expertise, work experience, services they can provide e.g. child/elder care, food catering, home tuition.

The RMC can promote this to the residents who can then decide whether they want to be included in this directory or not. It’s on a voluntary basis.

This directory will come in useful to link residents who require certain services with residents who have such services to offer, whether on a gratis basis or as a source of income.

No more anxiety about whether your elderly parent is safe alone at home knowing that a neighbour is helping to look after him.

Consider the convenience of home repair services just doors away, or meals, personal grooming, tailoring as well as physiotherapy delivered at your door-step.

Getting a ride from a neighbour is just a call or a few doors away, inviting some of them over for mahjong or bridge, or sharing some food, watching a football match together on TV or a movie on Netflix. More fun than watching it alone.

The acts of communal living are endless. Not all neighbours are friendly but once we get to know them better, they may turn out to be really nice people.

Community space

The multi-function rooms or community hall could be used for cooking demonstrations, health talks or workshops. I recall years ago we celebrated festivals e.g. Hari Raya, Mooncake festival, Deepavali in the common areas.

Neighbours brought their home-cooked dishes for the pot-luck dinner. The children had a great time running around while their parents chatted. I miss those get-togethers.

They tapered off when the RMC underwent changes over the years with each new committee. The reason given was always lack of funds. I am more inclined to think it was lack of initiative as pot-luck meals do not involve any cost to the RMC.

A community garden

My taman doesn’t have a community garden but those on the ground floor have a small patch that many have converted into a fruit/veg/herbal garden. I love the neighbourly spirit of some of the residents.

One good example is Puan Hafsah who lovingly tends to her herbal and spice garden daily. There is also Mrs Lim who prefers to plant flowers and vegetables.

She has several varieties of orchids in her corner lot garden. Both are happy to share their herbs and veggies with anyone who asks. In the common areas the gardeners hired by the management have planted moringa, tapioca, aloe vera, lemon grass, chilli padi and more.

Residents can help themselves to these.

Activities and services

When the kampung spirit is there, it’s easy to organise early morning walks or exercises e.g. tai chi, led by a volunteer resident. Every morning some of my neighbours go brisk walking or slow jogging around the gated premises.

We greet one another with a smile and “Selamat Pagi”. As there are nine blocks of apartments, going three to four rounds within the compound is sufficient for a good workout.

In my taman, we may not have a pool, but we have a small convenience store that serves the residents with basic essentials, including cooking gas.

There is also a small shelter for short-term stay for cats when their owners are away. A section is partitioned off as a sick bay to isolate the sick ones.

The management office staff helps to look after the cats. There is an outdoor gym and a children’s playground. I love to sit at my balcony in the evenings and watch the boys come out to play football or rounders, while the little children enjoy themselves at the playground with their mothers keeping a watchful eye on them.

It is an opportunity for the mothers to socialise with other parents. There used to be a library/reading room where the children could go to read or do their homework.

I hope the recently elected committee will revive this.

Such a concept can be easily implemented and supported by social media platforms like Facebook, Telegram and WhatsApp. Getting all residents to come on board in a WhatsApp chat group would help to foster a community spirit. Really, there’s no excuse for not trying out this model.

When residents see the benefits, more will come on board to offer their services and earn some income. The seniors themselves must stay active and in good health, so they can remain independent and mobile for as long as possible.

Only then can they opt for ageing-in-place. Otherwise, the only option is to move to an aged care facility or a nursing home.

With Malaysia’s population moving towards aged nation status by 2030, and with the number of older adults living alone rising, reviving the kampung spirit makes a lot of sense.

I hope more residents’ management committees will take up this model of community living. It can be easily adopted in condos, apartment blocks, PPR flats and housing gardens. There is nothing to lose but so much to gain when neighbours come together in the kampung spirit of cooperation or gotong royong.

The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star under the column 'Grey Matters' on Wed 3 July 2024. The online version can be accessed at 

https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/07/04/reviving-the-kampung-spirit-in-our-residential-neighbourhoods

(Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.)

THINKING OF GETTING A JOB? GOOD LUCK IF YOU ARE OVER 50!

If you are seriously contemplating getting back into the work force, especially if you have not worked for 10-20 years, not only will you face stiff competition from younger job applicants, but there is also the question of qualifications, says Fu. - 123rf

Just like the younger generation, older folks need jobs too. The longer life expectancy of 73.8 years (71.5 years for males and 76.3 for females) is both a boon and a bane. EPF savings and pensions are simply not enough to see recently retired workers through.

There are housing and car loans to pay off, insurance premiums and credit card debts to settle. Many still have to support their elderly family members and cover the latter’s medical expenses. As it is, we are already complaining about escalating prices and soaring expenses. With inflation eating into our nest egg, we just have to rethink our options – full retirement or reemployment?

Financial experts say that we would need to have at least RM1mil in retirement savings to enjoy the level of lifestyle we were accustomed to before retirement. EPF says contributors should have least RM240,000 in basic savings by the time they retire. As of 2023, only 33% of EPF contributors have achieved this target.

Not surprising there is a clear shift for countries to raise the retirement age or do away with it altogether to enable more workers to continue working and save more. Singapore allows for contractual employment till 67. Taxi drivers there can work up to age 75. Malaysia raised the retirement age from 55 to 60 in 2013.

The initial protest from EPF contributors was not unexpected as many were eagerly waiting to withdraw lump sums for the plans they had made. But since then, most have come to accept the reality of the need to work for as long as they are able and save as much as possible.

Raising the retirement age makes sense on several fronts. It eases the government’s burden to provide welfare assistance for our senior citizens. Having working parents relieves adult children of financial support for them. Finally, keeping busy at the workplace helps older workers remain active both physically, mentally and socially. All of which contributes to ageing well.

However, herein lies the problem. While older workers may want to continue working, companies are reluctant to hire them. Employers will give 101 reasons why they can’t or won’t hire applicants above age 50. They say older workers are too expensive, they take too many days off on medical leave, they are not as productive as younger ones, they lack the required skills, etc.

Some companies have cut salaries of rehired older workers by as much as 30%, reduced medical benefits, and in some cases, taken away bonuses. It all boils down to “take it or leave it”, with the employer having the upper hand. Unless they have skills or expertise that is much sought after, older workers are in a weak position to negotiate for better terms.

It’s sad really that one day you are drawing a salary of X ringgit. The very next day your value to the company depreciates for no reason other than you’ve just hit 60. If you continue to do the same work, it’s only fair that you continue to receive the same pay. Anything less is clearly a case of discrimination against older workers.

But having said that, retirees and retrenched mature workers seeking to rejoin the workforce should not be too picky about job offers and make demands like asking to be paid the same as their last drawn salary. Both parties can work out mutually beneficial terms.

Some advice

If you are seriously contemplating getting back into the work force, especially if you have not worked for 10-20 years, not only will you face stiff competition from younger job applicants, but there is also the question of qualifications.

University degrees obtained in the 1970s-80s cannot compare with those obtained today which are so much more specialised and more relevant to the particular job specifications.

Fields of study were limited then. Today one could select from a myriad of courses. It’s the same with professional qualifications. A diploma in secretarial studies awarded in the 1980s would probably not equip you with the skills needed in the modern office of today. So much has changed since.

What this means is you need to upgrade your skills so that you will remain current and relevant. Knowing how to use the latest office software programs is a necessity. Keeping up to date with industry news and trends is vital if you want to ace the interview.

As for your CV, do update it, and keep it to one A4 size page. Omit mention of anything that is older than 10 years unless it is relevant to the job specifications. As for your personal photo, make sure it is less than a year old. Avoid digitalised photos. You don’t want your interviewers to do a double-take when you show up looking nothing like the young man or woman in the photo.

This brings us next to your interview attire. It is safest to dress casual but smart. Ladies, avoid fashion trends. Don’t show up in frumpy auntie clothes either. No chunky jewelry, heavy make-up and badly coloured hair. Guys, the same rule of casual smart applies. A neck- tie is fine, but a coat is too formal, unless you are applying for a top senior management position. You might even make the interviewers feel under-dressed if none of them are wearing a coat! No jeans or T-shirts, please. Make sure your shoes shine. Look confident and poised. Have a firm handshake. Older people love to talk and share their stories, but keep that to social gatherings, not at job interviews. Keep your answers to the point, and if asked to elaborate, stay within the topic. Don’t bore them with irrelevant anecdotes of your past achievements.

Having said that, you do have some pluses that might clinch you the job. Your wealth of experience is one of them, that is, provided you are seeking re-employment in the same industry that you retired from.

Older workers are known to be generally more committed, more patient and more loyal than younger workers. They don’t job-hop, ask for emergency leave frequently or indulge in office politics.

Be prepared to make some adjustments. For one, be prepared to take a slightly lower pay than your last drawn salary. Also, be prepared to swallow your pride as you may be working under a much younger boss. Three, don’t expect the same employee benefits you enjoyed previously. This is a different company, and you are considered a new staff recruit. So don’t make the mistake of demanding this and that when you haven’t even got a toe in the door yet!

Most important of all, ask yourself if this job is really what you want. You must enjoy your work, whether it is full time or part time. Remember, at age 50+, you don’t want to stress yourself out by dragging your feet to work. Your take-home pay may boost your retirement savings and provide for your daily essentials, but it should not put your mental and emotional health at risk. It is not worth it. There are other options to explore if you need to grow your nest egg.

Like it or not, with countries experiencing declining birth rates and declining mortality rate, companies will soon have to face the inevitable. The young working population is shrinking. Companies will have no choice but to draw on older workers for their staff recruitment. Just make sure you are employment-ready.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star under the column 'Grey Matters' on Wed 5 June 2024. The online version can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/06/07/thinking-of-getting-a-job-good-luck-if-you-are-over-50)

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

WHEN HAPPENS WHEN YOUR ABUSER IS IN THE FAMILY?

Most abused parents would rather suffer in silence than go public about their ungrateful children. After all, who would want to lose face by dragging their family name through the mud? - 123rf

We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers in aged care homes physically abusing the elderly in their care. We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people.

Carig for the elderly requires a lot of patience, tolerance and dedication. It’s a calling, and if you don’t have it, you will end up inflicting harm on the very people you are supposed to look after! You are not cut out for the profession. QUIT!

Feeding, bathing and changing the diapers of an 80-year-old is vastly different from performing the same tasks for a cherubic, adorable eight-month-old. It takes super-human patience and infinite compassion to do so 24 hours a day often with no break or day off. Not everyone can handle the stress, especially caring for the frail elderly with dementia, who cannot understand you or follow instructions.

Caring for the elderly exerts a heavy toll on the mental state of the carer. If you are still working, think twice about leaving your elderly parent alone in the care of a full-time maid who is doing the job solely for the salary. Most domestic helpers are not trained as caregivers.

While we hear of elder abuse cases in aged care homes, in reality, there are more cases of elder abuse at the hands of family members. Statistics in the Health Ministry’s National Health and Morbidity Survey 2018 found that one in 11 elderly were at risk of abuse at the hands of someone they trust.

The figures are expected to rise in tandem with the changing demographics. Malaysia is on track to reach aged nation status by 2040.

The elderly from lower socio-economic strata are the most vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. It is not uncommon to hear of adult children exploiting their elderly parents for their own financial gains. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names. For whatever reasons, these children can’t wait to inherit from their parents.

That would take too long. We have read in the media of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties. In a society where cash is king, and wealth equals power, the elderly without much assets to their name have no voice, no rights. They become easy victims of elder abuse.

The most common abuse is verbal or emotional. In moments of stress, anger or frustration, family carers lose patience with their elderly parents, chiding them, belittling them, even threatening them with the possibility of packing them off to a welfare home for old folks. They are ignored, neglected, even shamed in front of others, and constantly told they are “useless” and “should die quickly”.

There have been reports of children abandoning their elderly parents in hospitals or at bus stops.

End the stigma and shame

Most abused parents would rather suffer in silence than go public about their ungrateful children. After all, who would want to lose face by dragging their family name through the mud?

But the neighbours are aware. They have seen the bruises; they have heard the cries. But few would make a report as, “It’s none of my business. It’s a family matter.”

There are also highly educated, successful adult children who are ashamed of their illiterate parents. They have no qualms or guilt about confining their parents to a room at the back of the house with strict orders not to come out when there are visitors or guests in the house.

Are these cases in the minority or are they the tip of the iceberg?

What is the world coming to when children can chase their parents out into the streets, siphon off their savings or isolate them from their friends?

Is this a failure of our education system or a breakdown of the family system, or both?

Filial piety is becoming rare these days. Countries such as Singapore and India have implemented the Maintenance of Parents Act whereby parents can report their adult children to a tribunal for failure to provide financial support and care.

When adult children face problems in their business or marriage, or are struggling with heavy debts, it is easy to take out their frustrations on their elderly parents who are vulnerable and unable to defend themselves. Life becomes unbearable for their elderly parents. It is no wonder many say they prefer to die than suffer at the hands of their own children.

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

It may sound rather selfish, but retirees must protect their retirement funds and their home if they choose to age in place. Keep working if you are physically able to be financially independent for as long as possible. There are just too many horror stories of abandoned or abused elderly.

What to do

Here are some things parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their own children:

• Continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age

• Look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s, 80s and beyond.

• Protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.

• Have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times

• Seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal

• Know you are not alone in this. Join a support group.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children to respect our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

The Chinese have a saying that translates to, “When the children are big, it is their world”. How true, especially when it involves money and property. When elderly parents have to depend on their adult children for a roof over their head or food on the table, they lose all say in matters of importance.

The key lies in building a strong bond between parents and children, and nurturing this bond through the years. Children who are neglected or abused, are more likely to grow into adults who are abusive towards their parents.

The advice to young parents – teach your children universal values, including filial piety and responsibility. Be good role models yourself. Do not give them a chance to turn around one day and say, “But ma and pa, you never really took care of us when we were young, so don’t expect us to take care of you in your old age.”

How we treat our elderly parents will determine how our children will treat us in our twilight years.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the column Grey Matters in the Star on Wednesday, 08 May 2024, with the online edition on 12 April at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/05/08/what-happens-when-your-abuser-is-in-the-family?)

AFTER RETIREMENT, EVERY RINGGIT COUNTS

How to stretch your ringgit? Look for special offers and sales. Don’t be embarrassed to ask about special concessions for senior citizens. - LILY FU

 It costs RM1.60 for an apple? Just a few months ago, it was only 90sen at my neighbourhood supermarket! Looks like retirees can’t afford to have an apple a day to keep the doctor away!

While some retirees won’t be losing sleep over rising prices of practically everything – from food and fuel to utilities and services, the majority of retirees will need to r-think their spending habits.

They will have to look at ways to stretch their retirement savings.

According to EPF figures, only 33% of active members have basic savings of RM240,000 as of last year. What about the other 67%? What about those who are not EPF contributors, who have barely any savings?

We can’t expect our adult children to support us indefinitely. They have their own financial commitments to deal with. The best way to help them is to be able to support ourselves.

So the daily struggle continues. The fortunate ones are those who have planned well ahead for their retirement, have money to invest in shares or have generous children to fall back on.

For the rest of us, it’s a case of no money coming in, but much money going out. Retirees need to spend on food, dietary supplements, medicine, transport, utilities and insurance premiums. The situation is compounded if they have children to see through college or university.

Retirees in their 60s are the new entrants in the sandwich generation. Longer life span means many retirees have elderly parents to support. This is an additional drain on their limited resources.

EPF’s Belanjawanku guide proposes that a retired couple living in the Klang Valley should budget for RM3210 a month and for a single senior, Rm2520. While this is a good guide, the reality is most retirees will spend more than that.

More importantly, how many can afford to continue spending that much monthly before they run out of savings?

The bottom line is this: retirees need to tighten their belts and cut corners. They can’t even afford to get sick, considering the hefty costs of health care and hospitalization. Those on government pension may have access to free or affordable medical and dental benefits, but there are millions more who are left out in the cold to fend for themselves.

What to do

Here’s what we can do. If you are planning to replace your handphone, computer or even your car, don’t do it yet. Wait for hand-me-downs from your adult children. They are always eager to own newer models, and will be happy to pass on their discards to their parents.

Cut down on eating out, especially at restaurants. Switch to eating at food courts.

The temple opposite Corus Hotel in Jalan Ampang, Kuala Lumpur, offers a wide range of vegetarian dishes for lunch at very affordable prices. But nothing beats home-cooked meals for better nutritional value and savings.

Go for cheaper alternatives. A good RM500 watch serves the same purpose as a RM2,000 one. Forget about losing face. At our age, there’s not much face to lose anyway.

Ladies, this also includes pricey cosmetics, handbags and clothes. Go for more affordable brands. It’s good to remind ourselves that often, less is more. As retirees, we don’t need to impress anyone.

Be smart shoppers. Go for value.

Resist the temptation to keep up with others. Your neighbours just spent RM100,000 on renovating their house. Good for them. Your best friend just bought 200,000 shares in a public-listed company. Congratulate him, but you don’t have to do the same.

Never borrow money. If you can’t afford something, either scale down or just abandon it. Avoid getting into debts.

Be prepared to make small adjustments to your lifestyle.

The key words are Downsize and Economise. Take fewer holiday trips abroad, or travel economy class and stay in budget hotels. After all, you will be spending the whole day out sightseeing. As long as the room is clean, the bed is comfortable and the toilet flushes, that’s all that matters.

If maintaining a car eats into your funds, opt for public transport. Get a MyRapid warga emas Touch n Go card and enjoy 50% off on all RapidKL public transport.

Look for special offers and sales. Don’t be embarrassed to ask about special concessions for senior citizens.

I pay only RM8 to see a movie during off-peak hours. Apply for members’ discount card from supermarkets, pharmacies and book stores.

Also look out for offers at restaurants. The same too for courses.

There are plenty of free online courses. Some universities and colleges offer a 50% off for retirees applying to further their studies.

Keep just two credit/debit cards. This will curb excesses in spending. Practice control when it comes to online shopping. With e-wallets, it has become super easy to pay for almost any small item, but it all adds up to a huge sum each month. Stay away from dubious online super sales.

Protect our nest egg like an eagle.

As for using EPF funds to start a business, conventional wisdom says “Don’t do it!”. Without the essential business know-how and with age against them, retirees are likely to end up losing every single ringgit they have invested in the business venture.

Only a handful will succeed in business after retirement, regardless of what wealth gurus may tell them.

The more fortunate among us may have access to multiple sources of income or rely on generous financial support from their children. But when your only source of funds is your pension or EPF savings, every ringgit counts.

Keep a record of every purchase you make, and total the numbers at the end of the month. You will be amazed at how much you have spent, and where all the money went.

To many new retirees used to drawing a four-figure salary, suddenly having their hands on hundreds of thousands of ringgit in lump sum withdrawal from EPF makes them feel rich and reckless.

Prudence goes out the window. No wonder all their retirement savings are gone long before they themselves are gone! Avoid withdrawing all your EPF savings. Opt for monthly withdrawals. The compound interest will help your savings grow.

Unless we have several golden geese that continue to lay golden eggs, we can’t afford to help our grown children with huge sums of money.

While it’s fine to donate small amounts to charity, it’s not okay to be paying for our adult children’s down payment on their new house, post-graduate studies, car loans, and even weddings. Remember, retirement funds are for our retirement, and not for helping our children with their financial commitments.

As parents, we love our children, but loving them also means letting them learn self-reliance. We have heard too many stories of irresponsible adult children getting their parents involved in their debts.

Some children become so used to parental support they expect their parents to step in whenever they need an injection of funds. The financial aid has to stop once the children start earning.

Remember the keywords

If there is one single item that will swallow up our hard-earned savings at one go, it has got to be medical expenses.

Surgery, rehabilitation, prescription drugs, medical treatment and procedures can cause severe hemorrhage to our retirement piggy bank.

We should opt for public hospitals and clinics if we can’t afford private hospital fees. They are just as good if not better.

Invest in an active and healthy lifestyle. Adopt an exercise regime that is cheap and effective. Brisk walking is free.

You don’t have to spend a cent on taiji or qigong exercises done at home or in the park. Take up hobbies. Join clubs or groups that promote free activities.

There’s no need to make big sacrifices or put a lid on our favorite pastimes. We can still have our cake and eat it – but without the icing, which isn’t good for our health anyway.

For pensioners and retirees with limited savings, and that means most of us, be prepared to make adjustments to ensure our savings will support us for the next 15-20 years. Or face the golden years with less glitter.

(Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.)

The above article was first published in The Star on 10 April 2024, the online edition on 12 April at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/04/12/after-retirement-every-ringgit-counts

TIME FOR SENIORS TO 'THINK OUTSIDE THE CASKET'

Take the initiative to explore new horizons and never let our age stop us from trying new things that interest us.

Old age creeps up on us, and seems to speed up after we have passed the 70th milestone.

One fine morning, we wake up, look in the mirror and reality hits us literally in the face – we are no longer spring chicks, more like autumn turkeys! Where have all those years gone?

The thought of mortality is always there, unexpressed but silently acknowledged. Until the first signs of aches and pain remind us the clock is ticking away.

How do we want to spend our remaining years? By slowing down, by giving up fun activities for more serious ones as befitting our age, and according to society’s playbook? If this is what makes us happy and gives us peace of mind, by all means, go ahead.

But if in our hearts we want to sing, dance and celebrate life, and we are still able to do so, let’s just do it! Let’s break free from the shackles of social stigmas or self-imposed restrictions that are holding us back.

We all need a wake-up call sometimes before it’s too late and we are staring at Death from a hospital bed. Do we want to spend the rest of our lives merely existing instead of living?

The fastest way to speed up the ageing process is to think we are old and ready to die. We all have to die one day, but that shouldn’t stop us from having fun, adventure, romance and happiness while we still draw breath.

Live with no regrets

We’ve heard it before: 60 is the new 40 and 70 the new 50. Yet, there are many among us senior citizens who view themselves as 60 going on 80, and 70 going on 90. They think old, look old and act old. No wonder they feel they already have one foot in the grave.

We are not sixteen going on seventeen with a whole life ahead of us. Rather, we are heading towards the boarding gate for final departure. Let’s board with bagsful of happy memories, not regrets.

When we think we are old, we are. Our thoughts are very powerful. They govern how we behave and react. Upon reaching 60, there are those among us who retire not just from our jobs, but from everything that used to define who they are.

The first thing they give up is their physical appearance. In their minds, they are thinking – at my age, nobody gives me a second look, so why spend hard-earned money on unnecessary grooming.

Or they think they have been married for years, there’s no need to look good for their spouse. Their wardrobe consists mainly of auntie or uncle-type clothes in various funereal shades of black, brown and grey. If comfort is the reason, fine. But if they dress or act to please others, they are allowing others to dictate how they should be living their golden years.

Just going out, mixing with like-minded friends, learning a new skill will lift the spirits as we age. - PHILIPPE LEONE/Unsplash

Be true to yourself. Let others criticise all they want.

The men withdraw from social life, preferring to remain at home watching football on TV or hang out at the kopitiam or club with their buddies, discussing their favourite subject – politics and the state of the economy.

Few would consider taking up a new skill or activity to keep their minds sharp or join an outdoors group for some exercise. For the women, their stock answer to invitations to go out and enjoy themselves at a karaoke lounge, for example, is ‘Aiyah, old already, cannot sing!’

If you really love to sing and it makes you happy, don’t give it up just because you think you can’t sing anymore due to ‘old age’. You are suppressing the inner voice that is yearning to come out.

Many retirees allow themselves to go downhill upon retirement. They put on weight by avoiding all manner of physical activity. Their excuse – oh, at my age, I shouldn’t exert myself too much. Over time, they build up a host of health problems like high blood pressure, diabetes and heart disease.

They become frail and sickly, and dependent on others. They shun any form of physical exertion for fear of falling or hurting themselves. No one is suggesting they do marathons, climb mountains or shoot rapids.

Regular simple exercise such as daily brisk walking, stretching, and strength training is sufficient to ensure we remain fit in our senior years. Yet they make no effort to do so, and give a dozen reasons or excuses why.

Oftentimes the most painful (and expensive) lesson learned is when we have recovered from a major surgery or a near-death experience. That is the most effective motivator to get us to embark on a healthy lifestyle.

But why wait for that to happen?

Take the initiative to explore new horizons. Be fearless. Never let our age stop us from trying new things that interest us. When we spend our retirement years living a sedentary lifestyle, our muscles will soon atrophy. We will start complaining of aches and pains all over.

Before we even reach our 70s, we become dependent on all kinds of aids, from walking aids to hearing aids and every other aid in between. It’s time to get up from our favourite lazy chair and exercise. Don’t fancy exercising on our own? Round up some friends for a qigong session, or join a group that enjoys going for walks in the park.

The social interaction is a boost to our health. Make sure these friends have a positive influence on us. I can’t think of anything more depressing than spending our precious time hanging out with friends who talk about nothing but their pains and aches, who gripe about everything under the sun and who share only criticisms about others.

Get rid of the doldrums and go out. Feel the sunshine and the breeze on our skin. Take time to smell the roses, play with our grandchildren. Recharge. Be grateful that we can get up in the morning to greet another new day.

As is often repeated, growing old is a privilege denied to many. So true. As we age, we see the number of our former classmates, ex-colleagues slowly dwindling with each passing year. Don’t turn down class reunions. It could be the last time old childhood friends can meet up.

Have fun, travel, explore, discover.

This is the time to spend on yourself. Be selfish. We are never too old to pick up new skills, make new friends, even fall in love again. All it takes is a change of mindset and attitude.

The world is our oyster if we let it be. It’s time to get rid of the ‘I’m too old to...’ mantra and replace it with a new one: I’m still young enough to pursue my interests, to follow my dreams, to enjoy life!

Celebrate our second prime. The best is yet to come.

Constantly remind ourselves to make the most of our golden years, not waste them waiting for Death to knock on our door.

It’s so easy to fall into the ageing trap. Life is a choice. Choose wisely to make the last chapter of our lives truly well-lived. Time to think outside the casket!

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The article was first published in the print version of The Star on 13 March. The e-version is accessible at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/03/13/time-for-seniors-to-039think-outside-the-casket039)

GRANDPARENTING - PLEASURE OF PRESSURE?

The writer with her grandchildren (clockwise from left) Max, Allie, Hana, Reiya and baby Ryder, taken close to a decade ago. - Photos: LILY FU

My youngest grandchild turned 10 last month. Celebrating his birthday made me reflect on how quickly the years have rolled by, and how fast the children have grown. My eldest grandchild will be 24 this August.

Has it been that long ago that I cradled this young man as a newborn in my arms and looked after him full time while his parents were out busy working till late at night on their fledgling company?

With multi-generational families no longer living under one roof, the role of grandparents has taken on renewed significance. What would busy working young parents do without grandmas (and grandpas) stepping in to help with the little ones? Well, there’s always the daycare centres or a nanny/domestic helper to look after them. But nothing compares to having one’s own blood and kin care for the children.

As a hands-on grandmother, delighting in caring for the little ones, I was quite surprised when I discovered not all my senior friends shared the same views on the subject of grandparenting.

They felt they had paid their dues and done their turn as parents. It’s time their adult children did theirs, they said.

“No more changing diapers and dealing with toddler tantrums for me. At my age, it’s too stressful. Sure, if there’s an emergency, I’ll be there. I don’t mind playing with my grandchildren or visiting them, but hands-on babysitting? No, thank you.”

Drawing a line

There are many who share the same sentiments.

“My husband and I have eight grandchildren from our three children. Being on call to babysit for all of them leaves us with little time for our own activities.”

“Our son leaves his two-year-old and four-year-old at our house before he goes to work. By the time he picks up the children after work at 7pm, my husband and I are exhausted. Sometimes when my son has a lot of work at the office, he comes as late as 9pm.”

“My husband is 72, and I’m 68. Physically, we can’t keep up with our hyperactive grandsons. Besides, I have high blood pressure.”

“My daughter-in-law and I don’t see eye-to-eye on how to bring up the children, especially when it comes to discipline, food and education. This has caused some tension in our relationship.”

Yes, looking after boisterous little children can be exhausting for grandparents. I know of grandparents whose daily routine involves preparing the children for school, driving them there and picking them up later for tuition or co-curricular activities. They have to make sure the children do their homework, take their meals and set strict rules on video games. This leaves them unable to enjoy social activities with their friends or go on trips with them.

All this can be very tiring. It can be hard to say no when your daughter calls and asks, “Mum, can you come over and babysit this weekend? I’ll be out of town on a business trip.”

Learn to say “No” if there are other options available. If you keep offering to help out all the time, you may soon feel overwhelmed. That is when babysitting and childcare becomes a pressure, and no longer a pleasure.

As a hands-on grandmother, delighting in caring for the little ones, the writer was quite surprised when she realised not all her senior friends shared the same views on the subject of grandparenting.

Family dynamics

Understanding and managing family dynamics play an important role when it comes to grandparenting. Young married couples have to deal with two sets of grandparents for their children – their own parents and their in-laws. Friction can sometimes arise when grandparents-in-law live in another town and do not get to be with their grandchildren often.

There is this feeling that their grandchildren are not as close to them as they are to the other set of grandparents who get to care for them daily. They try to compensate by over-indulging the children, buying them expensive toys and clothes to win over their affection.

There is also the huge difference in opinion on how the children should be raised. Young mothers feel grandparents are old-fashioned and conservative in their thinking. A case in point: when the grandchild is sick, the grandparents will offer home remedies as being more effective than the doctor’s prescription medicine. They are also aghast at how much freedom and independence young parents give their children.

Baby boomer grandparents learned childcare from their parents and from reading books e.g. Dr Benjamin Spock’s seminal Baby and Child Care. Young parents today prefer to go online to learn from child psychologists the latest and best parenting practices. A tip to grandparents to avoid friction – when offering well-meaning advice, don’t start with ‘In my time...’ or ‘In those days...’

This often gives rise to arguments resulting in young mothers regarding the grandparents as meddlesome and outdated.

The young father finds himself in an awkward caught-in-the-middle situation between the two most important women in his life. When grandparents know when to offer well-meaning advice, and when to “zip it”, there can be a happy compromise in the mother and daughter-in-law relationship. Also, when husband and wife have a disagreement over the children, grandparents should not interfere unless approached.

Stay on the sidelines

When there is harmony at home, this creates the ideal home environment for the little ones to grow up in.

It is interesting to study the implications of the changes in demographics. Longevity means more parents can see themselves becoming great grandparents. Four-generation families are no longer rare today. On the flip side, more young people are delaying marriage, and delaying parenthood. Which means not every parent will get to be a grandparent in his lifetime.

On a related note, have you ever wondered why women live longer than men, and why women go through menopause? Could it be that the extra menopausal years are meant for older women to shift their role from child-bearing to caring for the little ones and for the elderly in the family? Well, that makes sense.

Food for thought

I believe I speak for my friends who are grandmas when I say our grandchildren are a source of joy, fun and pride. They grow up so fast. Before you know it, they are preteens, and then full-fledged teenagers. That’s why the fleeting moments spent with my grandchildren are precious.

When they start having their own friends and activities, they won’t have as much time to spend with us. That’s why I value each moment I have with them now. My grandchildren keep me feeling young with their unconditional love and boundless energy.

I’ll be 76 this year. God willing, I want to be around to see all my grandchildren do well and find their purpose in life. For this to happen, I will have to look after myself and be responsible for my health. With long life and good health, I will still be around, not to look after my great grandchildren in my old age, but to just be there for them and to see them growing up well. That’s the circle of life.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in The Star under the column 'Grey Matters'. It can be accessed at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/02/16/starsilver-is-grandparenting-an-experience-that-gives-one-pleasure-or-pressure)

WHERE HAVE ALL THE MEN GONE?

Dr Pola (far left) and friends are the few exceptions to the rule of female-dominated senior groups. — DR POLA SINGH

Recently The Star carried an article titled Where are the women?, about the poor representation of women in the cabinet and how their presence is essential for better responsiveness to citizens’ needs.

After all, women make up almost half of our population.

The title got me thinking along a similar vein: “Where are the men?”

This was in reference to the lack of male participation in social activities for older adults. In practically every group activity organised by senior citizens associations or communities, the turnout is 90%-100% women. It seems the women are unable to persuade their husbands to join them for the various activities. Why the reluctance?

Men, with their muscles and bigger body size, are the stronger sex physically. But when it comes to health, they are the weaker sex compared to women. The statistics confirm this. Worldwide, women outlive men by at least five years. In Russia, it is more than 10 years! That is a lot of extra years of living.

In Malaysia, the life expectancy of women is 77.36 years and for men it is 72.66 years. That is a difference of nearly five years. A lot can be achieved during those extra years which can be spent with the family. Five extra years to enjoy being alive. No one wants to go off before their time. This is the longevity bonus made possible by medicine, science and technology. However, women seem to be the main beneficiary, not men.

One reason to explain this disparity in life expectancy is biological. Women have two X chromosomes and men have one X chromosome and one Y chromosome. The estrogen in women gives them better protection against diseases and may explain why they have a stronger immune system than men.

While we can’t change our genes, we can definitely change our lifestyle habits to live longer and in relatively good health. Women are born into their traditional role as caregivers, starting with caring for their family as mothers, daughters and wives. They look after their children, take care of their elderly parents and keep an eye on their husband’s health. This hands-on carer experience explains why women are more concerned about their health than men.

They go for health checks and practise healthy habits. Also, they have gone through child-bearing and childbirth, and are better at dealing with pain. In addition, women generally have fewer unhealthy habits than men. They don’t smoke or drink excessively, and they don’t take unnecessary risks.

The two genders have different approaches to retirement. Women welcome this period as an opportunity to be free to go out, enjoy social activities and focus on improving their health. What do retired men do? Well, mostly they hang out with their buddies to drink, talk about politics, play golf or watch football on TV. Or they remain at home doing nothing much, get bored and put on weight.Why the difference?

Having observed this difference between men and women in the senior communities I have been a part of for the past 20 years, I have to conclude it is true that men in general do not care about their health to the same extent as women. Just talk to their wives. They will tell you almost in exasperation, maybe even desperation, about their futile attempts to get their husbands to go for health checks.

Given that men are more prone to stress, anger and violence, they are at higher risk of stroke and heart disease. Men need to learn self-control and anger management or suffer the consequences.

They are reluctant to see the doctor or the dentist for regular checkups. They are less able to handle health issues than women. Referred to as having the “ostrich mentality”, men tend to be in denial mode when health issues crop up. Even when they experience early signs of problems with their urination, they hesitate to go for a checkup. The end result – prostate cancer that could have been avoided had they sought an early diagnosis.

Men want to preserve that masculine image even as they age.

This is evident in their preference for meat at every meal, especially red meat, than for healthier food choices like vegetables and whole grains. This need to uphold their masculinity is extended to their indifference to joining activities such as dancing, singing and painting.

No wonder courses for seniors offered by University of the Third Age (U3A), Malaysia, see more women signing up than men, year after year.

Men find women’s social activities too “soft”. No oomph, so I was told. To attract them to join the short courses at U3A, and make new friends, more “men’s courses” were offered, for example, Entrepreneurship, Digital Technologies and DIY, the latter conducted by the Kaki DIY founder himself. Still, the participants for the courses remain predominantly female.

Indeed, it has become a challenge to recruit men for social activities and voluntary community service.

Social networks

According to an article published by Harvard Medical School - “Mars vs Venus: The gender gap in health”, men lack social networks and support. Women find it easy to strike up conversations and make friends. Men, on the other hand, tend to shy away from social interaction. They feel a sense of awkwardness and discomfort in the company of strangers. They need to be aware that prolonged social isolation can lead to anxiety, depression and other mental issues.

Nursing homes bear testimony to women living longer than men. The residents at these homes and in many senior living facilities are overwhelmingly women. Some have never married, but the majority are widows who have outlived their husbands, sometimes by as many as 10 to 20 years! On a recent trip to Singapore, I met with the president of Wicare, a support group created by widows for widows and the fatherless. The group has been around since 1993 and currently has more than 700 widow members!

It is not that men are unaware of the health risks they are facing when they make poor lifestyle choices such as avoiding health checks and minimising their health issues. They are aware but are reluctant to do anything about it. Only they know the reason. I may be making generalisations and assumptions here, but the bottom line is this – unless our men take better care of their health, we may see a similar Wicare set up here for the widows they leave behind.

Men like Dr Pola Singh can lead the way. At age 74, he is a example of good health and vitality. He hikes and exercises daily, watches what he eats, has an extensive network of friends, does charity, keeps himself mentally active by writing, and has a positive outlook on life. Let’s hope we see more men doing the same. Never too late. Never too early. Just get started. We love our men – our husbands, fathers, brothers, sons and uncles. We want our men to be with us for as long as possible. Can we get their cooperation on this?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of Seniors-Aloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The artile was first published in the Star under the column 'Grey Matters'. It can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/01/17/where-have-all-the-men-gone )