A TOAST TO REUNIONS

Fu (front row, purple tee) and friends coming together to celebrate the 80th birthday of two SeniorsAloud members.

Several invitations over the past few weeks have prompted me to write this article. There was my uncle’s 91st birthday celebration, followed by my niece’s wedding and my university mates’ meetup. What all these have in common is an opportunity to meet up and catch up with relatives and friends I have not seen for years.

Once you hit your 70s and 80s, celebrations and reunions take on a new significance. With each passing year, you mark each auspicious occasion with a silent prayer. You thank God that you are still around to attend, and they are still around to celebrate.

You notice not all of your friends and relatives have made it through each year. Some have passed on without saying goodbye.

Some are bedridden in nursing homes. You have visited a few in hospital, and you have seen the pain and suffering they go through as they battle sickness and poor health. Not all can count their blessings.

You know that life is precious. So are old friends, especially those you have been to school or college with.

You were young then, so were they. Those shared memories are forever etched in your heart. For who will laugh at your silly teenage pranks and escapades except for those who were there with you?

We cracked up as we reminisced over the silly things we did. We mimicked our teachers, and exchanged notes on who’s where now, doing what, and with whom. And we remembered with sadness those that have passed on.

We should look forward to class reunions and anniversary celebrations, rather than avoid them. Whether it is a small informal get-together at a friend’s house or a gala dinner at a hotel, we enjoy reviving the camaraderie of former school days.

My two years of Form Six in English College, Johor Baru, were among the best years of my life. They were my coming-of-age years. I was 17 then. I discovered rock n’ roll and BOYS!

I learned to dance, went on dates and had my first taste of puppy love. All very innocent though. Most teenagers then were either too naive or too goody-two-shoes to try anything more than holding hands and exchanging love letters! It’s a different world now, so I hear.

Not everyone finds walking down memory lane a pleasant stroll. For some people, it can be a painful one, filled with remembrances that are best left buried and forgotten. But to others, reminiscing on treasured memories brings joy and contentment.

Why then do so many who have retired turn down invitations to school anniversaries and class reunions?

Why is there this reluctance to meet up with old friends? I recently attended Kuen Cheng High School’s 116th anniversary. I taught English there for 30+ years. I retired in Dec 2004. I have not missed any anniversary except during the Covid years.

As is the case in past years, I know I’ll be one of only a handful of ex-colleagues who will turn up at the anniversary. The number keeps dwindling each year. Where are the others?

Here’s the usual response from those who skip such social functions:

For the ladies: “No transport. Not sure how to get there”; “Busy. Have something on the same night”; “I’ve changed so much – old and fat now. Shy to go”; “I don’t feel well. Besides I have to babysit my grandchildren”; “My husband doesn’t want to go with me, and I don’t want to go on my own”.

For the men: “It’s too far for me to drive. The traffic’s is really bad”; “I don’t see well at night. I’m not sure of the way”; “It’ll probably be boring. I prefer to stay at home”; “I don’t like them to ask what I’m doing now”; “You mean there’s a fee? It’s not free?”.

People who are not keen on attending will always come up with endless excuses. They just can’t be persuaded. Reunions are anathema to them. As I think of friends from the old days, I wonder how many of us can honestly say we have made attempts to keep in touch? It doesn’t help either that as we age, the memory of dear old friends fades with each passing year.

“Make new friends, don’t forget the old. One is silver, the other is gold.”

Remember those lines? We used to write them in our classmates’ autograph books as a reminder to keep in touch after high school.

Sadly, we can now recall only a few faces and even fewer names. And when we finally make contact, it is to learn that a former classmate has passed on, another is battling cancer and yet another is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Fortunately, there are friends who are still hale and hearty, and enjoying their second prime of life.

Fu (front row, seven from left) and friends and members meet up at University of the Third Age (U3A) Malaysia at their Hi-Tea get-together in 2022. - Photos: - LILY FU

Don’t miss the chance

If you have lost touch with friends whom you grew up with, or studied with, it’s not too late to re-establish contact. With Google, Facebook, Linked-in and a host of other social networking apps and platforms, it is easy enough to search for long-lost buddies. Unless they prefer to remain uncontactable.

Life has ups and downs, peaks and valleys. We have all been through both good and bad times. We can choose to remember the happy moments, or focus on negative past experiences that leave us feeling bitter.

So which will it be? The answer is obvious, yet there are people who choose to remember only the bad times, and that’s why they turn down invitations to meet up – because of old schoolgirl or schoolboy quarrels or some silly misunderstanding. Harboring negative emotions is akin to having toxins in our body.

When my college mates and I finished Form Six back in 1966, we went separate ways. We were too busy furthering our studies, and then pursuing a career. Before we knew it, along came the children and then one financial commitment after another.

There was hardly any time for friends or social activities. All too soon the children grew up and left to start their own career and family, leaving us with an empty nest.

Eventually when the other half passes on, it will be just us alone. That’s when loneliness starts to creep in, and regrets take over. Good friends provide an important support system that keeps us going. They help to fill the void. They are our travelling companions, partners-in-adventure, and pillars of strength in our times of need.

Having friends is good for our mental health too. Much as I enjoy my moments of solitude, I can’t imagine a life where I have only myself or my cat for company. Loneliness can slowly develop into depression over the years. And that is something we should avoid like the plague!

The next time you get an invitation to a class reunion or a small get-together of former school buddies, don’t turn it down. GO. It might be the beginning of old friendships rekindled. At our age, who can tell when we will ever get another opportunity to rekindle old friendships again.

With the year-end and new-year festive season coming up, there will be plenty of celebrations – opportunities for old and new friends to meet up.

There is the Chinese New Year reunion dinner in January, followed by various festivals and celebrations throughout the year. Will you show up at these gatherings and touch base with those you have not seen for years?

Or will it be a case of ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ till you read about their passing in the obituaries. Here’s to dear old friends wherever you are. Let’s meet up.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 20 Nov 2024. The online edition can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2024/11/24/starsilver-reunions-can-be-uplifting-and-build-connections-for-seniors.)

TIME TO TAKE STOCK

A sewing class for senior citizens as one of the PAWE Subang Jaya hobbycraft activities. - LILY FU

What a month it has been, and it’s not quite over yet. Oct 1 is International Day of Older Persons (IDOP). It marks the start of a month-long programme of activities and events for senior citizens.

There are seminars, carnivals, workshops, free health screenings and discounted buffets, to name a few, for them to enjoy.

A far cry from the early 2000s when the day would pass mostly unheralded. I remember a few days before Oct 1, I would scan the newspapers for any mention of upcoming events honouring senior citizens. Not a word. No mention at all.

I remember writing about the government and society’s apathetic attitude towards our older citizens. They have served the country well in their younger days and deserve to be acknowledged for their contribution to nation-building.

All that has changed, thanks to the work of international organisations like the United Nations, World Bank and Help Age International.

They have drawn worldwide attention to the rise in the elderly population, and its ramifications.

On the local front, we have NGOs like MyAgeing, Malaysian Healthy Ageing Society (MHAS), Gerontological Society of Malaysia (GEM) and others that have worked hard to raise awareness of the changing demographics and how this would impact the country.

Malaysia will reach aged nation status by 2030 when 15% of our population will be aged 60 and above.

This rise is predicted to accelerate due to longer life expectancy and a declining fertility rate.

IDOP is a time not only to celebrate our older population and recognise their contributions, but also a time to take stock. What progress have we made in improving life for our senior citizens? What more needs to be done? How prepared is the government to face the challenges brought about by a fast-greying population?

While we applaud the government for finally taking note and organising campaigns and activities to improve the health and wellbeing of senior citizens, and setting up more elderly-friendly facilities and services in public buildings, we must not forget those who are living in poverty, who are struggling with poor health, and who are victims of abuse and discrimination.

Living longer does not necessarily mean living better.

Society as a whole still views older people as unproductive, and therefore not worthy of investing money in.

Old people are considered a “lost” cause, with no ROI value. It explains why senior citizens clubs and organisations have difficulty raising money to fund their activities.

The young old – those in their 60s and 70s are still fit and certainly still able to contribute their services to society if given the opportunity.

Don’t write them off as past their productive shelf life. They can fill the gap in the shortage of younger workers in sectors such as administration and customer service.

If you are 60 and above, you are likely to have encountered instances of ageism at one time or another. Indeed, older people face age discrimination on a daily basis, especially if they lack education or financial resources.

Even at home, elderly parents find that no one listens to them. Their advice is often not sought for family decisions. They are head of the family only in name.

Giving voice to seniors

Power and money often speak louder than age. Older people in positions of influence and authority, with vast financial resources at their disposal can still command respect everywhere they go. They can take care of themselves in their old age.

It’s the rest of the retired populace that we should make a stand for. They are the voiceless ones, the silent majority who feel disadvantaged and powerless to fight against ageism. They are the ones who have fallen through the cracks, who remain unaware of what aid is available, where to seek help and who to approach.

Most of them are in the rural areas, in the small towns. They are too busy eking out a living, taking care of themselves and their families to attend courses or workshops meant to assist them.

How do we bridge this gap?

We must continue to advocate for the provision of social protection, long-term care and access to public health for the elderly. The government together with the private sector must provide more opportunities for older people to support themselves

From public transport to public housing, from healthcare to financial support, older people, in particular those from lower income group struggle to cope with living in a society that considers their needs as an afterthought.

While we seek support from the government to pass legislation to remove age discrimination, end elder abuse, provide opportunities for senior citizens to contribute their experience, society can do its part by according respect for older people so they can age with dignity. Respect for the elderly is in short supply.

The government is aware of what needs to be done, but implementation is painfully slow. The private sector has yet to fully acknowledge the impact this shift in demographics will have on the work force and on the economy.

Everyone will age

The time will come when all of us will have to wake up to the reality that global ageing is here to stay.

Any policies that uphold the rights of older people will ultimately benefit the young of today as they too will grow old one day.

To take this one step further, when a country takes good care of its elderly population, everyone benefits.

“On this International Day of Older Persons, I call on governments to do more to address the needs of older persons. The key interventions are well-known: granting universal access to social services; increasing the number and worth of pension plans; and creating laws and policies that prevent age and gender discrimination in the workplace.”

The above was the 2010 IDOP message from then UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. 14 years have passed. What have we achieved? How does our report card look?

Change is inevitable. Change takes time, but older people don’t have the luxury of time.

How long must they wait? The number of older persons is growing and this silver wave can’t be stopped. (I am loath to use the word “tsunami” as it gives a negative connotation to the rise in the elderly population.)

Not everyone has children, not everyone has brothers and sisters, but everyone has parents.

Perhaps if we can think of older people as our elderly parents, we would want to support them, care for them, respect them and do our best for them. Perhaps then we can speed up the changes that need to be carried out so that life is worth living for the elderly in their old age.

Post-budget footnote: 

However, things are looking up for senior citizens, in particular those in the lower income bracket.

Based on our Prime Minister’s Budget 2025 speech delivered in Parliament last Friday, the crumbs we have been getting for the past years have turned to slices. Hopefully these will grow bigger in the years to come.

From increased monthly welfare aid for senior citizens to more allocation for senior citizens’ activity centres, there is plenty to cheer about as IDOP draws to a close.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the print edition on 23 Oct 2024, and may be accessed HERE.)