TWO FACES OF AGEING: OLD AGE MAY BRING LOSS, BUT HOW WE AGE IS UP TO US

There is little point in harping on things that can’t be changed. Seniors should learn to accept whatever unfortunate circumstances they are dealt with and make the best of the situation. — Magnific

 

Ask young people in their 20s what they think of old people. You can bet they will come up with a long list of adjectives, mostly negative.

“Cranky, senile, grouchy, grumpy, loud, naggy, long-winded, stubborn, bossy, irritating, preachy, argumentative ...” – you get the picture. Of course, not all old people are painted this way. But this is generally how old people are perceived by the young. It depends very much on the elderly people they come into contact with or see in public places.

I have to say I do agree with them to some extent. By virtue of my community work, I meet elderly people every day at senior group activities, on public transport and at the aged care homes I visit.

How did old people get to be so cantankerous? Why do old people always complain? Why do they always insist they are right, that everyone, especially the young, should listen to them? They love to remind the young they have been there, done that, seen that. Bragging. How did they become such poor company to be with? I have asked myself the same questions too. Am I like that? At least sometimes?

We will all grow old one day, perhaps we should try to understand why old people are the way they are. Maybe we can learn what not to do, what not to be when our time comes. We can learn to age gracefully with dignity, and be loved and respected by all.

Empathy first

Let’s start by putting ourselves in the shoes of an 80-year-old man. He has limited funds and no source of steady income, so he complains about soaring prices. He recalls the old days when a cup of kopitiam coffee cost only 40sen. Now it’s RM3.60 or more at the mamak stall. More if he has a cup at a café.

There was a time when he could travel and enjoy an active social life. These days he is mostly at home alone, unable to venture out because he no longer drives and there’s no one free to take him out. His perennially busy adult children have little time for him.

Once upon a time he lived to eat. Now he eats to live. His diet is restricted to low-fat, no sugar and bland soft foods. No more of his favourite hawker food, no more culinary indulgences, all because he has a host of health problems to deal with that doesn’t allow him to eat whatever he fancies. Dental issues further limit his enjoyment of food. He shuffles in pain with every step he takes because of his weak knees and osteoporosis.

His hobbies no longer interest him. He has given up reading because of poor vision. He has little interest in watching TV as the programmes don’t appeal to him. His hearing is no longer what it used to be. He can’t explore the rich diversity of information on the Internet as he is computer-illiterate. He refuses to learn as he feels he is past the age of learning. He considers any new learning as useless to him at his age. Thus, he remains unteachable.

As a young man, he was blessed with good health and vitality. Now the passage of time has reduced him to a frail shadow of his former self, with all the accompanying aches and pain of old age. Few friends drop by to see him, as they are in the same boat as he is. He sits in his arm-chair or lies in bed the whole day long with only his memories of the good old days to keep him company.

It is no wonder such old people are bitter and grouchy. They have all the time in the world to gripe about everything under the sun, from high prices to corruption among politicians and uncaring children.

What a horrible way to grow old! We can’t stop growing old, but we can certainly choose how we want to grow old.

Choose wisely

We can choose to grow old complaining about things from A to Z. Or we can choose to focus our attention on the things that make us happy, like our grandchildren, like being able to look back at happy times with nostalgia, and not compare them with the present.

There is little point in harping on things that can’t be changed. We should learn to accept whatever unfortunate circumstances we are dealt with and make the best of the situation. Let’s embrace our twilight years with joie de vivre (the joy of living) and fill each day with love and gratitude, not bitterness or regret.

If we want our children and grandchildren to spend time with us, if we want friends to visit or invite us out, then we should ensure we are good company to be with. If we are always feeling sorry for ourselves, always complaining and comparing now and then, we become boring company that others want to avoid.

Let’s keep our personal stories to ourselves. Not everyone is keen to know about the highs and lows of our lives. Old people just love to go on and on, ignoring the look of boredom and feigned interest in their listeners.

What a horrible way to grow old!

It is the same with old women too. They still complain but much less than their husband. The big difference is they have many things to keep them busy like helping with the grandchildren, doing community work or taking up some short courses. They are too busy to waste time on wallowing in self-pity and regret.

Which begs the question – why do some men and women age better than others? What do they do that is different?

The answer lies in their attitude to life, to old age, how they deal with the downside of old age. They continue to take care of their health, physically and mentally. They think positive. They bring up the past only if it’s relevant and asked for. They don’t waste time on regrets and wishful thinking on what could have been. They face ageing with positivity. They are passionate about life, about the purpose of their being, about what and how they can contribute towards making their family and community happy.

Living with purpose

When we have a purpose or goal in our lives, it becomes the driving force for us to want to age well so that we can achieve it. That goal doesn’t have to be big. Size is immaterial. Dedication is what matters. That goal could be as simple as working to be a better grandparent, a better neighbour, a better friend. When we make others happy, we are making ourselves happy too.

It’s also about making an early start to being active, and maintaining it through the years. A daily regime of exercise strengthens our immune system and protects our body against frailty. That elusive fountain of youth is actually right within every one of us. But we need to work at it, take better care of ourselves in mind, body and spirit. When we enjoy good health, a happy family life and close friendships, we have nothing much to complain about. Life is good because we have worked to ensure that it is so. Laying the foundation early in our working life will result in a stress-free contented retirement. We become pleasant company to be with, for the young and not-so-young. That is how it should be, to grow old gracefully and with dignity.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in The Star on Wed 3 June 2926.)

THE COST OF NOT AGEING WELL

More seniors are getting serious about strength training exercises. Using resistance bands is a simple and effective way to strengthen muscles and prevent sarcopenia or muscle loss. — SHARON POON

 

According to data from the National Health and Morbidity Survey 2025, about 85.3% of our senior citizens are not ageing healthily. Only 14.7% meet the criteria for healthy ageing. This is not surprising.

We have seen evidence of this trend around us. The warning bell has rung over and over again, in report after report, in speech after speech by the health minister.

Perhaps we have become immune to these calls to take better care of our health. Perhaps we have too many temptations to fight against. It is much easier to just give in to bad lifestyle habits.

After all, we only live once. Why not throw caution to the wind? Live life to the fullest, enjoy all the bad habits while we can. Maybe we won’t live long enough to pay the price.

Who would want to live to an old age if our body is frail, our mind has grown senile and we are in pain every single minute?

We can’t avoid getting older each year, but biologically, those who have followed a regime of looking after their health and paying attention to what they eat and drink tend to age better, the columnist opines.

Time to change

But old age doesn’t have to be like this.

Whether we live in the cities, small towns or in the villages, Malaysians are generally aware of what constitutes a healthy lifestyle to age well.

We are constantly reminded by articles on health in the media, in the viral videos that so many of us forward in WhatsApp chat groups, and in the numerous talks and webinars on health.

We know what to do to remain fit and healthy, to avoid diseases and live to a ripe old age. It is common knowledge, and common sense. There’s no secret about it.

Exercise. Be active. Watch what we eat. Get enough sleep. Be socially connected. Take care of our physical and mental health. Avoid stress. Learn to relax. Don’t harbour anger, envy or regrets. Forgive and move on. Easy to advise, easy to listen to, nod and agree.

But, and here’s the problem: How many of us actually put all these Do’s and Don’ts into practice?

Knowing is not doing. Being inspired by what we read does not necessarily translate into being motivated by it. No one wants to live with aches, pains and be dependent on long term aged care.

But motivation requires action. What is the point of knowing something that can help us, but we don’t do anything about it? That knowledge remains passive, of no real benefit to us.

We can easily rattle off a list of what we should and should not do to age well. But all the advice given is useless if it just goes in one ear and out the other. Just blowing in the wind, but never catching it.

For a habit to form, it takes discipline to stick with something until our body gets so accustomed to it, we feel at odds if we skip it. Like brushing our teeth or having a cup of coffee in the morning to start the day.

Take exercise, for example. It requires effort to set aside a certain time to do stretching, strength training or just brisk walking on a regular basis.

We have become so good at making excuses not to do anything that takes effort, like getting up at 6am to exercise. Is laziness or inertia inborn? When we don’t feel up to doing anything that requires commitment, we find excuses for it.

“It’s so boring to exercise alone. I feel tired today; I don’t have time; I have urgent matters to see to; The gym equipment in my condo is so old. My knees hurt.” Take your pick from these excuses.

As for food, it takes almost superhuman effort to watch what we eat. It takes strong will power to walk through the food court in a shopping mall without succumbing to the temptation of donuts, desserts and ice cream lining both sides of our path.

Young Malaysians can’t resist processed food, packaged snacks, flavoured drinks and savouries. They will soon discover the heavy price to pay for years of consuming too much sugar.

Malaysia has the highest percentage of diabetes cases in Southeast Asia. Not a record to be proud of.

According to findings reported in the National Health and Morbidity (NHMS) Survey 2023, 84% of young Malaysian adults aged 18 to 29 were not aware they had diabetes. Unless there is early intervention, we will see a spike in serious complications resulting from undiagnosed diabetes in the years to come. The NHMS 2025 reports 39% of those aged 50 and above have diabetes.

The price of overeating and overindulgence in the wrong food can lead to a host of health issues, including obesity.

When we are overweight, we end up with heart problems. Our heart and our leg muscles have to do more work just to get us to move our body.

Changing habits

We can’t avoid getting older each year, but biologically, those who have followed a regime of looking after their health and paying attention to what they eat and drink tend to age better. They remain fit and energetic, and look 10 to 20 years younger than their chronological age.

A few aches here and there, greying hair and sagging skin are a natural part of ageing, but when we still have our five senses intact, when we are still mobile and have full cognitive function, we are ageing well.

That should be our goal and we should work towards it. Not to do so would mean ending up requiring assistance with activities of daily living, and paying hefty amounts for long term health care and medical insurance.

Listen to our body. It will give us early warning signs if something doesn’t feel quite right.

Some diseases develop silently and get progressively more serious over time. That is why it’s advisable to go for yearly screenings to be on the safe side. Outpatient fees for senior citizens at public hospitals is as low as RM1 to RM5, or free.

There really is no excuse for neglecting our health.

On a more positive note, we are seeing more older adults exercising in the parks, doing taichi, stretching and strength training with resistance bands.

Our Federal Territories Minister Hannah Yeoh has gazetted 539 green open spaces against illegal development. Good news indeed. To quote her, “Green spaces are more precious than gold for the well-being of city folks.”

The facilities in many of these parks have vastly improved. There are clean public toilets and more shelters against the vagaries of weather. There are also outdoor gyms that senior citizens can make use of.

We don’t need to spend much to keep fit and stay healthy as we age. Invest in a good pair of walking shoes, a set of stretch bands of different resistance to strength our muscles.

Drink enough water to remain hydrated, especially during this period of extreme hot weather. Sunlight is free. We need sufficient exposure to it for Vitamin D.

Fresh air is also free, so avoid staying indoors 24/7. No friends to accompany us? No transport? Excuses again!

When we are serious about our health, when we have experienced a medical procedure or surgery that costs us literally a leg, then and only then we wish we had taken better care of our health. But it could be too late.

The longer life span that we have now should come together with longer health span. Quality of life over quantity of years. When we age well, everyone benefits, not just us. Our children don’t have to spend a bomb on long-term care for us. Instead of allocating billions on building more hospitals and nursing homes, the government can invest more on community spaces that promote healthy activities.

Old habits die hard. New habits take time to develop and maintain. Let’s not make excuses. Let’s be serious and commit to adopting an active healthy lifestyle. The payback comes when we can live our retirement years fully mobile, independent and free from the need for long-term aged care. The time to start is now.

Be responsible for our health. No point regretting later when we are lying in a hospital bed, or confined to a wheelchair, with our body racked with pain. It would be too late then.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in The Star on Wed 6 May 2026 at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2026/05/06/the-cost-of-not-ageing-well )

Why fading family traditions start right at home

When one generation fails to pass these to the next generation, when parents fail to teach their children, that’s how traditions fade into obscurity. —Freepik

Around this time of year, questions about whether I’ll be returning to my hometown for Cheng Beng inevitably start coming up.

“No” is my stock answer.

You see, I hardly knew my father except for a few memories of him during my primary school days. He passed away at age 37 from an illness. I was only nine then. I do recall visiting his grave a couple of times and helping to sweep away the piles of dry leaves and weeds that had accumulated over the preceding 11 months. I remember standing in front of the grave with joss sticks in my hands, listening to the elders praying aloud in Hokkien. Not all my siblings and relatives could be there. My paternal grandmother was unable to make the trip to the cemetery due to her age. It would mean travelling out of town and walking up a hill under the blazing sun.

As the years passed, I was told only a handful of family members would observe this annual ritual of visiting my father’s grave to pay their respects. Too troublesome, they complain as they have moved to other towns or settled overseas.

It is the same story I hear from my friends.

The number of family members visiting the cemeteries to pray to their dearly departed and do some “tomb-sweeping” has dwindled due to various reasons, mainly inconvenience and apathy.

The younger generation show little interest in such observances. To them, their grandparents and great grandparents are total strangers. They feel no attachment, no interest. The only time they get to know something about them is through the stories and anecdotes their parents occasionally share.

It was different for my mother. She passed away at age 95 in 2021. She was cremated and her ashes scattered in the sea. We preserve the memory of both my parents in a plaque posted on a remembrance wall in a Buddhist temple in Petaling Jaya.

Every year during Cheng Beng, only my brother, his wife and I pay our respects at the temple. Eventually when the three of us are gone, will anyone continue with this observance at the temple? I have my doubts.

Changing times

This is how traditions die or evolve with the times. Our elders, parents and grandparents are the story-tellers, curators of the family history and genealogy. They preserve and perpetuate the traditions and customs of their ancestry.

When one generation fails to pass these to the next generation, when parents fail to teach their children, that’s how traditions fade into obscurity. The same goes for dialects and mother tongue. In many Chinese homes, English or Mandarin is spoken, not Cantonese, Teochew or Hakka.

Children learn by observation, and the home is where it all begins, the writer reflects. Pictured is her youngest grandson with her mother, in a photograph taken several years ago. — LILY FU

Young English-educated doctors are finding it a problem communicating with their elderly patients who only understand dialect. My children hardly speak any dialect. My fault.

I never picked up enough dialect to speak it fluently to my daughters. Likewise with traditional practices such as preparing festive food at home. I still have fond memories of my elderly aunts sitting together in my grandma’s kitchen, spending hours preparing rice cakes for Chinese New Year, and rice dumplings for the Mid-Autumn Festival.

Now we can buy them in many varieties already cooked from stalls in Chinatown. So convenient. The same goes for ketupat. No need to source for young coconut leaves to weave into ketupat. Just buy ready-cooked ketupat from the shops, or purchase them online. Saves hours of weaving the ketupat by hand in time for the Raya celebrations.

Many traditions no longer remain – mainly because our parents didn’t practise them, didn’t teach us by example. My mother didn’t adopt most of these traditional practices, so I couldn’t learn from her. I didn’t have enough interest to learn on my own to pass it down to my children. Thus, this ignorance and indifference are perpetuated. Ultimately, we lose a part of our culture and traditions.

Children learn by observing and doing.

My 113-year-old role model and mentor Teresa Tsu once said, “There are no naughty children – only naughty parents.”

So very true. She probably meant parents who didn’t teach their children well about traditions, customs and values, including respect for the elders and filial piety.

Preserving traditions

Unlike heritage buildings which we can preserve (kudos to the excellent restoration work done on Seri Negara and Bangunan Sultan Abdul Samad), it’s a different story when it comes to preserving traditions and values, which are best taught by example and practice.

Let’s take the Confucian concept of filial piety. Like traditions, this is rapidly being redefined and reinterpreted to suit the current times. This is inevitable given the change in the structure of the family home.

The traditional three-generation family home filled with the laughter and cries of children is becoming rare, now replaced by an empty silence. The children have grown and flown, to start their own nest and fill it with their own brood.

This affects the bonding between the generations. The grandchildren are not exposed to how their parents treat their grandparents with respect and care. This gap can be narrowed if parents bring along their young children to visit the grandparents regularly.

Alternatively, grandparents can offer to help out by looking after the children on weekdays while their parents are at work. The onus is on the parents to ensure close family ties are maintained.

With technology, this can easily be done through regular online platforms such as Zoom or Whatsapp. When there is little intergeneration contact and communication, filial piety goes out the window. So does respect for the elderly.

I see this on a daily basis on crowded trains and buses. The young occupy priority seats while the elderly stand.

By extension, when filial piety is eroded, who among the adult children will offer to look after the remaining parent when the other is gone?

Who among them will invite the surviving parent to move in with them? The eldest son because it is expected of him? Or the daughter who is single or divorced? Will they do so willingly or grudgingly? Why?

Because it’s one extra mouth to feed and care for? Because the relationship has always been strained from the start?

As for the parents, how does this make them feel?

Frankly, most of the seniors I have spoken to prefer to live on their own, alone, rather than be a burden to the children. When it’s no longer safe for them to live alone due to increasing old age and comorbidities, the only option is either to move to an assisted living facility or a nursing home.

In the worst-case scenario, the elderly parent is packed off to a welfare old folk home. This is the reality facing the elderly living alone, and where there is a breakdown of family ties.

There are families where respect for the elderly is drummed into everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest. The parents show by example how they treat their elderly parents with little daily acts of care and gratitude. The children observe and soon learn to repeat these acts of kindness with their grandparents. It is not enough to teach, but for learning to take root, it must be practised till it becomes intrinsic, as part of one’s character.

To conclude, let’s make a concerted effort to improve family ties, preserve traditions and inculcate values. Home is where everything begins, where parents teach and show by example, and where children learn by observing and doing.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above articlewas first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 8 April 2026.)