MORE ELDERLY NOW LIVING ON THEIR OWN

From Agingcare.com

Seniorsaloud regularly receives emails from people who write in asking us to recommend good daycare centres or nursing homes. Some of these emails come from senior citizens, but the majority are written by adult children concerned about their elderly parents living alone or left alone at home for much of the day.

The typical Asian family used to consist of several generations living under the same roof. In the 'ancestral home', there was always someone to look after the very young and the very old. Everything was shared - meals, household chores, even problems.

The Straits Times

Today we have the nuclear dual income family with both parents out the whole day working. So who looks after the young children? The maid. In homes where there is no maid, the children are packed off to daycare centres from morning till evening.

What about the elderly grandparents? If they are still fit and independent, they can help out with the children. What if they themselves need assistance with activities of daily living (ADL), and there is no one at home to fill this need?

The answer is daycare centres for the elderly. Unfortunately, a Google search shows a dearth of such centres in the Klang Valley. The few that exist do not have a schedule of daily activities. The elderly who are sent there spend the day sitting around with nothing to occupy them. They wait patiently for their daughter or son to pick them up after office hours.

On average, a daycare centre charges Rm70-100 a day, inclusive of lunch and tea. Given a choice, most elderly folks would rather remain in their own homes, in surroundings they are familiar with.

In countries like Japan, Korea and Singapore, an increasing number of the elderly are living alone. South Korea may have grown richer, but the traditional family with Confucian values is becoming fragmented. There are now 1.2 million elderly South Koreans, living - and dying - alone. This figure is set to rise as the percentage of the elderly is expected to grow from just 3.8 per cent in 1980 to 15.7 per cent in 2020 and to 24.3 per cent in 2030.

In Japan, the 2005 national census showed that one in 10 elderly men and one in four elderly women were living alone. The total in 2005 was 3.86 million, compared with 2.2 million a decade earlier.

From e-Monitoring Services

It's a similar situation in Singapore. The number of elderly citizens now will triple to 900,000 by 2030. The number of those living alone is likely to increase to 83,000 by the same year, up from 35,000 last year.

Adult children worry incessantly about their elderly parents living alone. What happens if they fall, faint or suffer a stroke? No one is there to help them. By the time someone finds out, it might be too late to offer any help.

National University of Singapore has come up with the e-Guardian, a special watch that can sense if the wearer (the elderly person) has fallen. It then starts in motion alerts to the base station and from there to other important contact numbers that are keyed into the e-Guardian SIM card.

Source: Straits Times

There are already several similar devices in the market. The question is - would the elderly be willing to embrace such new technology? If my 86-year old mother's response is anything to go by, the answer is No. She is suspicious of gadgets, says they are too expensive and she doesn't need them.

It would be a challenge to get the elderly to cooperate, even if it is often for their own good.

HOME ALONE - A NO-NO FOR THE ELDERLY

One of the biggest sources of anxiety for the sandwich generation is their elderly parents. If you are in your 60s, your parents would probably be in their 80s. If they are still active, independent and in good health, you can count yourself blessed. As long as your parents are together, they can look after each other. But what happens when one parent passes on? Is the surviving parent able to cope on her/his own?

If your elderly father is staying with you, who keeps an eye on him when both you and your husband are at work? What about career women who are single? Your mother is alone at home all day. Do you worry about leaving her by herself for so many hours every day?

This is a situation that many of us now face. What can we do about it? Let's look at some of the options out there, and why for many, there is no choice at all.

Option 1: Have your parent move in with you and your family.
Why not?

• "Our house is too small, and there's no spare room for her."
• "My dad refuses to move from his hometown. He wants to die there in his own house."
• "My mother says she prefers to be where she is - in familiar surroundings and with her own friends."

Option 2: Get your single parent a live-in maid.

Why not?

• "We can't afford it."
• "My mother doesn't trust an outsider."
• "What if the maid ill-treats my mother?"

Option 2: Put your parent in a decent home.

Why not?

• "We can't afford it."
• "People would say we are not filial."
• "My father refuses to live in a nursing home."

For many adult children, there seems to be no easy solution. So the elderly parent continues to live alone, and the family members are stressed out worrying about whether mom is ok when they call and no one picks up the phone. 

There are so many things to worry about when mom lives alone. Did she remember to take her medication? What if she fell and lost consciousness, or had a heart attack? What if she forgot to turn off the gas stove, or lock the front door?

Or worse, what if there is a break-in, and mom is hurt? These are very real concerns.

It is heartening to know that NGOs are coming up with workable solutions. The Befrienders of Singapore, for example, conduct regular house calls to make sure that elderly residents are fine. There are also community groups comprising neighbours and fellow residents in government housing areas who drop by to see if the elderly need anything. 

Not everyone can afford these services.

You can check out Love-On-Wheels, a mobile healthcare service provider at http://www.loveonwheelshealthcare.com/

In Singapore and Malaysia there are mobile or home-care services that offer nursing care for a fee depending on the level of care rendered.

Ultimately, it is an individual decision. Each family has to decide what to do with mom or dad. But just remember the price to pay should anything disastrous happen to your parent who lives alone.

One day it will be our turn to make our adult children worry about us. What will our decision be then? Will we have control over where we want to spend the rest of our lives?

My 86-year old mother is in a special home for dementia care. She is very happy there, and never fails to invite her visitors to 'stay there'. It's a long story how she ended up at the home. I shall write more about this in another blog post.