ABUSE HURTS AT ANY AGE

We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers physically abusing the elderly in their care. We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people. We would never do anything like that to hurt the very people we are supposed to look after and care for.

Really?

How many of us are guilty of elder abuse? If truth be told, most of us would admit to some degree of guilt as elder abuse is not just physical. It encompasses verbal, financial and psychological abuse as well. Guess who are guilty of such abuse? Who are the usual suspects? The answer - adult children.

When adult children exploit their elderly parents for their own financial gains, that's abuse too. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names. For whatever reasons, these children can't wait to inherit from their parents. That would take too long. We read in the media of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties. In a society where cash is king, and wealth equals power, the elderly without much assets to their name have no voice, no rights. They become easy victims of elder abuse.

Perhaps the most common abuse is verbal or emotional. Most of the time we are not even aware that we have hurt the feelings of our elderly parents. In moments of stress, anger or frustration, we lose our patience with them. We chide them, belittle them, even threaten them with the possibility of packing them off to a welfare home for old folks. Of late there have been more reports of children abandoning their elderly parents in hospitals or at bus stops. Are these cases in the minority or are they the tip of the iceberg?

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

Filial piety is becoming rare these days. Countries such as Singapore and India have implemented the Maintenance of Parents Act whereby parents can report their adult children to a tribunal for failure to provide financial support and care. When adult children face problems in their business or marriage, it is easy to take out their frustrations on their elderly parents who are vulnerable and unable to stand up for themselves. Life becomes unbearable for their elderly parents. It is no wonder many say they prefer to die than suffer at the hands of their own children.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children to respect our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

Note: This is an updated version of an earlier article on elder abuse. If we see signs of elder abuse or know of any case, we should make a police report.  

LET'S PUT AN END TO ELDER ABUSE!

How many of us are guilty of elder abuse? If the truth be told, all of us would admit to some degree of guilt. We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers in nursing homes physically abusing the elderly residents in their care.

We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people. We would never do anything like that to hurt the very people we are supposed to look after and care for.

But elder abuse is not just physical. It encompasses financial and psychological abuse as well. Guess who are guilty of such abuse? Who are the usual suspects? The answer - the adult children.

When adult children exploit their elderly parents for their own financial gains, that's abuse too. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names.

For whatever reasons, these children can't wait to inherit from their parents. That would take too long. I know of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties.

Perhaps the most common abuse is emotional/psychological. Most of the time we are not even aware that we have hurt the feelings of the elderly. In moments of stress, anger or frustration , we lose our patience with them. We chide them, belittle them, even threaten them with the possibility of packing them off to an old folks home.

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

Last Sunday, 15 June, we celebrated Father's Day. It was also Elder Abuse Awareness Day - a timely reminder that while we celebrate with joy Father's Day, we should also remember to honor our parents in their old age, and treat them with respect and dignity.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social disease, not if we raise our children to respect our elders.

WHEN ADULT CHILDREN ABUSE AND EXPLOIT THEIR PARENTS

Headlines like the one above makes one wonder how children are brought up these days. Are they taught the right values at home and in school? Are their parents leading by good example?

In many countries parent or elder abuse is on the rise. In Singapore, the number of reported cases of abusive adult children has gone up from 160 to 240 a year over the past three years. One can assume hundreds more cases go unreported.

There is the Maintenance of Parents Act (1995) and a Tribunal that hears such cases. However, many parents are reluctant to report the abuse for the following reasons:

• they don't want to see their children sent to jail
• they don't want the social stigma attached to it
• they are unaware of their rights and that they can get help
• they don't know where to get help
• they depend on their children for financial support and shelter
• it reflects badly on their own parenting.

So these abused parents, mostly in their 70s and 80s, continue to suffer in silence. This is certainly not the way they should be living their remaining years. As long as they don't report the abuse, nothing can be done to help them.

These abuses can be verbal, physical, financial or psychological, and may include any of the following:

• scolded or beaten for being slow, forgetful, or for making mistakes
• harassed for money to pay their children's loans or debts
• chased out of the family home because there is no room for them
• ignored, neglected, even shamed in front of others
• constantly told they are 'useless' and 'should die quickly'
• subjected to numerous restrictions that limit their freedom

The key lies in building a strong bond between parents and children, and nurturing this bond through the years. Children who are neglected or abused, are more likely to grow into adults who are abusive towards their parents. 

Certainly there are other factors that come into play. Adult children who are struggling with their own problems may vent their frustrations on their parents. These problems range from heavy debts to drug addiction. But this is no excuse for them to take it out on their elderly parents.

There are also highly educated, successful adult children who are ashamed of their illiterate parents. They have no qualms or guilt about confining their parents to a room at the back of the house with strict orders not to come out when there are visitors or guests in the house. 

To quote a media statement issued by Karpal Singh of the Democratic Action Party (DAP) dated 12/3/07, "... it is the duty of adult children to maintain their parents in old age for the simple reason their parents provided for them up to adulthood. The Government should give first priority to the enactment of the Maintenance of Parents Act as soon as possible."

Mr Lum Kin Tuck, former president of the National Council of Senior Citizens’ Organisations Malaysia (NACSCOM) has also called on the government to set in place a systematic safety net for the elderly. 

Cases of abandoned parents are also on the rise. The 2010 census conducted by Malaysia’s Department of Statistics shows that 675,000 citizens aged 60 and above have been abandoned and do not receive financial support from their children. This means that one in three senior citizens have been deserted by their children.

A sight that is becoming common in many Asian
countries where filial piety was once regarded as
the most important of all virtues. Read more...

It is only in the last couple of years that the government has made some effort to address the plight of abused and abandoned parents. It is not enough, and more importantly, not sustained. The only recourse left to abused parents is to seek help from relatives and friends, and NGOs that are sympathetic to their case.

Here are some things parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age
• look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s and 80s.
• protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.
• have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times
• seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal
• know you are not alone in this. Join a support group. 

Click here to know more about elder abuse.

A DESPICABLE ACT TO ABUSE CHILDREN AND THE ELDERLY

Last week a friend posted on his Facebook page a video clip showing a maid tossing a 4-month old baby around while she was feeding and changing him. I viewed with horror and wondered what in the world would drive an otherwise sane young woman to commit such a despicable act? Especially as she is a young mother too? Did she take it out on the poor baby because she missed her two little children back in Indonesia? She had barely started work, and probably already feeling deep frustration and resentment at having to take care of someone else's children instead of her own.


The heinous act was committed on Feb 15. Sentencing was swift. Less than a week later on Feb 19, Yuliana, 23, was jailed for 20 years for attempted murder and child abuse. The baby could have suffered serious injuries and died from being tossed nine times.

Two years ago, a similar case took place at the Nightingale nursing home in Singapore. This time it involved an elderly resident of the home. Two staff members were caught on video manhandling an elderly woman, aged 77. When the case came up in court, the home was fined a total of S$64,500 for various offences, including failure to provide nursing care according to approved standard practice.



Both cases involved the very young and the very old who are unable to defend themselves. Reports of child abuse and elder abuse are on the rise. Child-minding and caring for the elderly requires a lot of patience, tolerance and dedication. It's a calling, and if you don't have it, you will end up inflicting harm on the very people you are supposed to look after. Below is a breakdown of confirmed perpetrators, sourced from the US National Centre on Elder Abuse.

As for Malaysia, there are no official figures available. There is no formal system of reporting of elder abuse in Malaysia. The country has the Domestic Violence Act 1994 and The Child Act 2001. Neither addresses the problem of elder abuse. Figures compiled by UNICEF Malaysia with data from the Social Welfare Department, show that the number of cases has been climbing steadily from 1999 in 2006 to 2,279 cases in 2007 and 2,780 cases in 2008. Based on the statistics, it is forecasted that there would be more than 10,000 cases in Malaysia over the next ten years. It's time to highlight this plight of the elderly, and put measures in place to curb.

Introducing a law to protect the elderly would be a good start.

Elder abuse can take many forms. Besides physical abuse, an elderly person may be subjected to emotional abuse as in threats and insults, financial abuse where family members exploit the elderly for money and property, and there is also neglect or abandonment of elderly parents.

In elder abuse, the guilty are just as likely to be family members as professional carers. Feeding and changing the diapers of an 80-year old is vastly different from performing the same tasks for a cute, bubbly 8-month old.

Caring for the elderly is stressful and exerts a heavy toll on the mental state of the carer. I would think twice about leaving an elderly loved one alone in the care of a full-time maid who is doing the job solely for the salary.


Related article

Elder Abuse - How Guilty Are We?

HOME ALONE - A NO-NO FOR THE ELDERLY

One of the biggest sources of anxiety for the sandwich generation is their elderly parents. If you are in your 60s, your parents would probably be in their 80s. If they are still active, independent and in good health, you can count yourself blessed. As long as your parents are together, they can look after each other. But what happens when one parent passes on? Is the surviving parent able to cope on her/his own?

If your elderly father is staying with you, who keeps an eye on him when both you and your husband are at work? What about career women who are single? Your mother is alone at home all day. Do you worry about leaving her by herself for so many hours every day?

This is a situation that many of us now face. What can we do about it? Let's look at some of the options out there, and why for many, there is no choice at all.

Option 1: Have your parent move in with you and your family.
Why not?

• "Our house is too small, and there's no spare room for her."
• "My dad refuses to move from his hometown. He wants to die there in his own house."
• "My mother says she prefers to be where she is - in familiar surroundings and with her own friends."

Option 2: Get your single parent a live-in maid.

Why not?

• "We can't afford it."
• "My mother doesn't trust an outsider."
• "What if the maid ill-treats my mother?"

Option 2: Put your parent in a decent home.

Why not?

• "We can't afford it."
• "People would say we are not filial."
• "My father refuses to live in a nursing home."

For many adult children, there seems to be no easy solution. So the elderly parent continues to live alone, and the family members are stressed out worrying about whether mom is ok when they call and no one picks up the phone. 

There are so many things to worry about when mom lives alone. Did she remember to take her medication? What if she fell and lost consciousness, or had a heart attack? What if she forgot to turn off the gas stove, or lock the front door?

Or worse, what if there is a break-in, and mom is hurt? These are very real concerns.

It is heartening to know that NGOs are coming up with workable solutions. The Befrienders of Singapore, for example, conduct regular house calls to make sure that elderly residents are fine. There are also community groups comprising neighbours and fellow residents in government housing areas who drop by to see if the elderly need anything. 

Not everyone can afford these services.

You can check out Love-On-Wheels, a mobile healthcare service provider at http://www.loveonwheelshealthcare.com/

In Singapore and Malaysia there are mobile or home-care services that offer nursing care for a fee depending on the level of care rendered.

Ultimately, it is an individual decision. Each family has to decide what to do with mom or dad. But just remember the price to pay should anything disastrous happen to your parent who lives alone.

One day it will be our turn to make our adult children worry about us. What will our decision be then? Will we have control over where we want to spend the rest of our lives?

My 86-year old mother is in a special home for dementia care. She is very happy there, and never fails to invite her visitors to 'stay there'. It's a long story how she ended up at the home. I shall write more about this in another blog post.

WHEN ADULT CHILDREN ABUSE THEIR PARENTS...

NOT AGAIN! Another case of elder abuse was reported in the papers yesterday. An elderly couple in Singapore had given their duplex house to their son as a wedding gift two years ago. They thought they could move in and live with the newly-weds. But the son soon sold off the house and bought a condominium. Citing lack of living space as a reason, he shunted his parents off to his sister. After a year the couple’s daughter had enough of them. She changed all the locks in the house. Her parents could not enter the house and had to make the staircase of a nearby school their home.

Homeless and abandoned by his children?

Reports like this and others make one cringe with horror and disgust. Elder abuse is on the rise, and it is happening everywhere in developed and developing countries. What is the world coming to when children can chase their parents out into the streets, siphon off their savings or isolate them from their friends?

Is this a failure of our education system or a breakdown of the family system, or both?

Related articles:
Keep that roof over your head at all cost.
Elder Abuse - How guilty are we?

WHEN ADULT CHILDREN HIT THEIR PARENTS

(Came across this article in The Straits Times today. Incidents of parental abuse often go unreported as they happen within the privacy and confines of the home. Click here to read more about elder abuse.)

ANNOYED that his mother was nagging at his young niece for refusing a bowl of hot porridge, Hong Kia Cheng, 47, threw a wooden dining chair at the 67-year-old woman. Another man, Koh Kim Swee, 22, was so frustrated by his mother's nagging that he whacked her on the head with a hammer in their Jurong East flat. Then there was Tan Su Ann, 39, who also took a hammer to her 79-year-old father after he tried to stop her from shouting at their maid.

All three adult children were jailed between four months and two years last year for hurting their parents. Last week, a young man who kicked his 82-year-old grandmother and threatened his father with a chopper was jailed for nine weeks. On both occasions, Seow Kok Hock, 25, lashed out because he had been refused money.

More cases of parental abuse are now surfacing as mothers and fathers decide the family should not suffer in silence.

One 69-year-old man needed seven stitches after his son smashed a ceramic flower pot over his head at their Toa Payoh flat. The father told The Straits Times his 30-something son had been in and out of jail on drug offences and would hound the family for money to feed his habit. When he did not get his way, he would turn violent, once even slashing his father with a knife. The argument ending with the flower pot being thrown started because his father would not let him take $30 from his mother.

Counsellors say that adult children who resort to violence often have experienced or witnessed it themselves when they were young.

ELDER ABUSE - HOW GUILTY ARE WE?

The Star (Wed 13/08/08) carried a news report that left me feeling very disturbed. “Maid beats up old woman” ran the headline. The whole incident was recorded on CCTV cameras hidden in the house. Footage showed the maid beating the 78-year-old woman unconscious, with the latter ending up in the ICU.

Only two days earlier, the Sunday Star had carried a cover article on “Throw Momma From the Train” by Dr Esther G. Ebenezer. According to Dr Ebenezer, the abuser is most likely the person with whom the elderly person resides, 80% being spouses and children or a close relative of the victim.

Unlike child abuse, elder abuse is rarely discussed in the open. We all know it exists, but not many want to talk about it; even fewer are willing to report it.

My 82-year-old mother lives with me. Apart from short-term memory loss, she's in good health and good spirits. I am her sole caregiver. I certainly hope I’m not included in the good doctor’s 80% estimate of elder abusers.

Reading both reports put me in a soul-searching mode. Am I guilty of elder abuse? Do I treat my mother with the respect that is due to her? Am I a filial daughter? I had to confront myself with all these questions and find the answers.

What exactly is elder abuse?

Elder abuse is the infliction of physical, emotional, or psychological harm on an older adult. Elder abuse also can take the form of financial exploitation or intentional or unintentional neglect of an older adult by the caregiver.

Physical abuse
This includes hitting, pinching and manhandling the elderly victim. Self-verdict: Absolutely not guilty.

Financial abuse
This covers taking away the elder’s funds for ‘safe keeping’, forging her signature for monetary gain, forcing her to transfer or bequeath property, or misappropriating funds held in joint accounts or in trust. Self-verdict: 100% not guilty.

Psychological abuse
This refers to any act inflicted on the elderly person that causes her to suffer mentally or emotionally. Examples include name-calling, insulting, threatening and isolating her from others. Probably the worst is deliberately ignoring the elder, or giving her the silent treatment. Self-verdict: 95% not guilty.

Why only 95%? On deeper introspection, I realize that I must have sometimes used a harsher tone of voice than necessary when trying to deal with my mother's stubbornness. This is my failing, and it's inexcusable. It becomes a whole lot easier to understand and accept my mother’s old world views and way of doing things when I apply the Golden Rule. How do I want my children to treat me when I am 80? Children, even adult ones, follow by example. It’s up to us, as parents, to lead by example. How we treat our elderly parents will determine how our children will treat us in our twilight years.

Tone of Voice

It's not so much what you say,

as the manner in which you say it;

It's not so much the language you use,

as the tone in which you convey it.

"Come here", I sharply said,

And the child cowered and wept.

"Come here", I said she looked and smiled,

And straight to my lap she crept.

Words may be mild and fair,

But the tone may pierce like a dart;

Words may be soft as the summer air,

But the tone may break my heart;

For words come from the mind,

Grow by study and art,

But tone leaps from the inner self,

Revealing the state of heart.

Whether you know it or not,

Whether you mean or care,

Gentleness, kindness, love and hate,

Envy, anger are there.

Then, would you quarrels avoid and peace and love rejoice?

Keep anger not only out of your words, Keep it out of your voice.

(Source unknown)