GROWING OLD, STANDING TALL

Ageing with dignity has little to do with appearance or mobility. It is about the respect we give and the care we show – and it starts with how we treat ourselves. — Magnific

We hear it so often – ageing with dignity. What does it really mean? As our population ages, we come across this phrase every so often in the media, at conferences on healthcare and in advertisements promoting products for older persons.  

Let me share what I have found out from my conversations with the elderly. They are the ones with lived experience of growing old. What is ageing like for them? How is society treating them? How would they wish to be treated?

The United Nations Human Rights declaration applies to all, regardless of age. Perhaps more so as older persons are vulnerable to being victimized, given their physical, mental and physiological limitations. They have the right to care, safety, protection, shelter, support, freedom and independence. They have the right to participate in conversations and in decisions that involve them. When these rights are taken away from them, they should protest. They should speak up. 

Unfortunately, they prefer not to kick up a fuss, cause friction within the family, or ruffle feathers in the community. They choose to remain silent. By doing so, they are allowing themselves to be discriminated, exploited and victimized. 

The most vulnerable are those with little or no formal education, have limited financial resources and are ignorant about their rights. Wealth gives one power. An honorific title and academic credentials get us a measure of respect and influence. When we have none of these, we get the condescending treatment. Sales staff at premium malls will look at us with disdain, assuming we are unlikely to purchase anything, judging by our age, our demeanor and the clothes we wear.

Disrespect hurts

It’s the daily experience of being ignored, ridiculed and bullied that hurts the most. Take the example of seniors travelling by public transport. On commuter trains, it’s common to see young people seated, busy on their mobile phones ignoring the senior citizen standing right in front of them. The oft-repeated public announcements on the train appealing to commuters to give up their seats to OKU, pregnant women and senior citizens usually fall on deaf ears or, more correctly, indifferent ears. And how often have I seen impatient bus drivers yelling at an elderly for being slow in getting off the bus. 

Respect and dignity go hand in hand. When others don’t respect us, does the problem lie with us? Or does it reflect negatively on them? Both. Respect starts with us. We can’t expect others to respect us if we don’t respect ourselves. If we feel we are losers, useless, too old, a burden to the family and unable to contribute anything to society, then don’t expect others to respect us. 

Ageing is a natural process. There is nothing to be ashamed of or be apologetic about. If we need a helping hand, just ask. Help will be offered.. 

There will come a time when we may need to use a walking aid. There is no need to feel embarrassed to use one. It is not a reflection of loss of dignity to use a walking stick, or hearing aid. There will also come a time when we may need to wear diapers, or rely on a carer to shower us, feed us and clean us up after the toilet. This is not a loss of dignity. Let’s not be a hero. Acknowledge that we do sometimes need help, and accept it graciously when it is offered. 

Loss of dignity is when we are not given the right to speak up, to be heard, to make our own decision. When an elderly parent is left out of family discussions, outings or social functions, it is akin to telling them they don’t fit in, they are an awkward embarrassment to the family. This is outright humiliating to the elderly parent. No wonder they feel hurt and insulted.

Sometimes adult children forget their parents can speak for themselves. After introducing their parents, they completely ignore their parents, giving them no opportunity to join the conversation. 

And then there are the jokes that young people crack about older people. They get a bellyful of laughter at our expense. The names they give us are degrading and disparaging, names like dinosaurs and old fogies. Fortunately, there are young people who have been brought up well, who practise what they are taught in religious classes and in Moral Studies in school. Bless them for showing us respect and courtesy.

Be proud of our age

As for us, senior citizens and the elderly alike, let’s be proud of our age. Ageing is natural. No one escapes it. Some do so at a slower pace, others more quickly. That’s the difference between biological (physiological) age and chronological age. It depends primarily on our lifestyle habits. It takes effort to enjoy our retirement in good health and wellbeing.

Looking good involves taking care of ourselves inside out. Looking good gives us self-confidence and earns us respect from others. ‘Looking good’ should be a stand-alone phrase. It doesn’t require an add-on as in ‘You look good… for your age’. 

Looking good doesn’t require lots of money. If that were the case, those in the lower income bracket would have no chance of looking good. We don’t need expensive cosmetics, nip and tuck procedures, designer clothes. Wearing a smile is free. Nature provides the supplements we need. 

Dignity is earned. It takes effort on our part. It starts with feeling good about ourselves, respecting ourselves. What makes us feel good about ourselves? Knowing that we have played our role well as a member of our family, as a member of the community that we serve, and as a loyal citizen of the country. 

Sounds lofty, perhaps, but we can surely strive towards these goals. The respect, the dignity will naturally follow. It’s all about doing good and feeling good about ourselves. Positivity personified.

Enough of belittling ourselves because of our age.

Men feel this loss of respect and dignity most when they retire. This is especially the case for those retiring from mid-level to top management positions. Stripped of their designations, they find it hard to adjust to a new phase where they have no work responsibilities, no staff under them to supervise, no secretary to do their bidding. 

The late Tan Sri Ani Arope expressed this transition period perfectly in his speech to soon-to-retire staff at Guthrie’s in 2009, titled after the popular maxim ‘A Peacock Today, A Feather Duster Tomorrow’. It aptly describes this period of adjustment to a new role for recently-retired men.

Those unable to adjust opt to spend their days at home rather than go out and be active socially. They avoid the awkwardness of having to answer questions like ‘So what are you doing now?’ or ‘Which company are you attached to?’ 

This is less of an issue with women. Indeed, the retirement years spells freedom for them to enjoy an active social life. One of the reasons perhaps for their longer life span.

The answer to living our retirement years well is to find meaning and purpose. We know that. We have been told that umpteen times ad nauseum. But as long as we know, we hear but we don’t do, don’t act upon it, don’t make the move, we will remain enclosed in our cocoon. 

However, if we are truly happy living out our final years confined to our home away from the madding crowd, it’s fine. So be it. To each his own.

But for the rest of us, let’s live life to the fullest with dignity and respect by being useful and doing the best we can whether as the best grandma to our grandchildren, as a dedicated community volunteer, or as an advocate of a social cause. Choose the role that best suits us, that makes us feel that we are not a burden, that we can still hold our heads up and not make excuses for our age. 

That is what ageing with dignity really means.

(This article is a revised version of the print article first published in Star Silver supplement of The Star on Wed 9 Sept 2026. It can be acessed HERE.)

BETTER TOGETHER - When Generations connect, everyone benefits

Seniors enjoying strength training exercises in the park, with the guidance from younger fitness coaches. Photos: LILY FU

 

I have always been interested in community initiatives, particularly those that contribute to the well-being of senior citizens and the elderly. However, of late, my focus has broadened to include the younger generations as well.

Instead of focusing on the differences between generations and trying to bridge the divide, why not look at what each generation brings to the table –working together for mutual benefit and understanding? Whether it be at the family level or at the workplace, each generation has something to offer the other.

The young have physical strength, energy and are technologically savvy. The older generation have more life experiences, values and lessons to share. Each generation can fill the gaps in the other generation.

The first gap that springs to mind is the technological gap. Baby boomers now in their 70s grew up in an era where most things were done manually and communication was on a personal face-to-face level. They feel lost in the digital ecosystem where everything is done via electronic devices and gadgets, and apps on smartphones. They are confused and bewildered in a world that is unfamiliar to them.

They need help with online registrations. They forget passwords. Biometrics is alien to them. They don’t trust online banking and cashless transactions. They get into a panic and become flustered when the short time limit to execute an online transfer closes in on them. Many are clueless about ordering food online and booking e-hailing rides. Yet there are those who refuse to learn. Too complicated, they say, and there’s also the fear of being scammed.

This is definitely one area where the young can step in to teach their elders digital skills and online safety. However, they must have empathy and patience to guide them through the instructions, step by step.

It’s not that older adults can’t learn. They just take a bit longer. That is why family members are usually not the best teachers. Familiarity breeds impatience and frustration. It’s much easier to teach other seniors but not your parents and more so your grandparents. Anyone teaching older adults must bear in mind that they may have issues with hearing and vision, on top of not understanding technical jargon. Adjustments have to be made for effective learning and teaching.

Understanding and empathy

An understanding of the principles of geragogy is essential for those involved in teaching older adults. Seniors can provide feedback on digital apps and devices meant for older users. They may find the navigation too confusing and the features not age-friendly. Their feedback helps adjustments to be made for improvement.

Don’t ever think that seniors are beyond learning. Give them a reason to pick up new skills, new knowledge and they will rise to the occasion. Look how they take so enthusiastically to WhatsApp. It’s their favourite means of communication with friends and family. They are fully aware they need to embrace new technologies or be left behind when the rest of society moves on. All they need is some guidance.

Older adults must cooperate too and be willing to learn. There are those who think they are too old to learn new things. With such a negative mindset no one can teach them anything. They have made up their mind. This is the worst kind of ageism: Self-ageism.

Instructor Osama (blue top front row) with his senior students at one of his digital skills workshops.  

The private sector can pitch in to help empower older adults. A leading institution of higher learning has offered our senior community a free venue for workshops on digital skills, and a young IT-savvy instructor to teach us. To date, he has conducted 20 workshops covering a broad range of topics and apps for services and recreation. Indeed, technology companies can help support similar initiatives to bring older adults into the digital economy.

The young team of trainers helping Lily and her peers build and maintain their muscle strength.

Yie Xiang and Jun Hong were indispensible at our recent Seniors Bazaar. They helped to carry, lift, and move items. They were a huge help in offerimg assistance for the vendors.

Older adults can also tap on the muscle strength of the young in carrying and lifting, as in setting up a space for an event. Our community regularly organises activities that require arranging tables and chairs, setting up the projector and sound equipment, as well as running around to ensure everything goes smoothly. We appreciate their efforts to give us a helping hand.

A win-win solution

To add on, university students, for example, can provide transport for seniors who no longer drive. They can also help out at aged care centres on a voluntary basis or as paid work during their free time.

In return what can we senior citizens do for young adults? We can share our experience with them so they can avoid making the same mistakes we made. Sure, the young may say let us learn from our own mistakes. But mistakes could turn out to be costly or painful.

At the workplace, there should be intergenerational cooperation, not rivalry for jobs or posts. Senior staff can be mentors, offer advice and show how things can be done more efficiently. The younger staff can learn from the experience of their seniors. Indeed, that was how learning took place in the past – through apprenticeship.

What else can young adults learn from us, seniors? Plenty, for example, value investments, public speaking, relationships, craftsmanship, work ethics, caregiving, frugality and more.

What can daughters learn from their mothers, and what can fathers teach their sons? Each generation passes down traditions and values to the next. Each generation builds on the knowledge and skills of the past generation. That is progress. That is legacy.

We can be instructors in areas such as in cooking traditional dishes, preserving heritage art, crafts and skills, and ensuring dialects continue to be spoken. For example, there are young doctors who are now making efforts to improve their Hokkien and Teochew to better communicate with their elderly Chinese patients who can’t speak or understand English.

Should the need arise, couples know they can depend on their parents and trust them to look after their young children while they are at work. Indeed, grandparents bond well with their grandchildren. They make excellent baby-sitters and child carers, and home tutors too.

Respect goes both ways

It’s time for the generations to show respect towards one another. Universal values should continue to be practised by the old and nurtured in the young. It should start right at home with parents and grandparents providing examples of acts of kindness, good manners and respect for the elders. The older generation should not habitually nag or criticise the young for this and that. It drives a wedge between the two generations. Instead, let us look at the positives of each generation and learn to do better.

In royal families, the children are groomed as future leaders from young by their elders. It’s the same in family business conglomerates. The sons and daughters are taught how the business is run so that one day they will take over the reins from their parents, and improve on what they have learned. Likewise, in families, the elders groom the young by teaching them valuable lessons necessary for success in life.

That is how each generation builds upon the legacy of the past generation. From father to son, from mother to daughter.

When we extend this to those outside the family, everyone becomes an adik, abang, kakak, makcik or pakcik. These are more than terms of address, but terms of endearment. We become one big extended family, across all generations, that help and support one another. That’s how it should be. Too idealistic? Well, we can try, can’t we?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

 (The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 12 Aug 2026. It can be accessed at this LINK