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Everyday is Valentine’s Day for Mr and Mrs Jagjeet Singh, married for 61 years. — MRS J |
It’s Valentine’s Day today. Brisk business for florists, restaurants and hotels as young couples out-do themselves to express their love for each other. From over-priced roses and chocolates to romantic candlelight dinners and the umpteenth honeymoon trip. Love is certainly in the air and all around.
However, for most long-time married couples, the day would likely be just another day. Husbands would think thrice about spending money on gifts for their wives. Wives would probably wish their spouse could be a bit more romantic. Asian husbands are known to be pragmatic, not romantic. To them, a simple satisfying meal at a seafood restaurant, or a movie outing should suffice. A bottle of Chanel No 5? A bouquet of red roses? A new watch? Nah! Wives can dream on.
After all, Valentine’s Day, like birthdays, comes every year. Makes more sense to celebrate silver or golden wedding anniversaries. They come around only once in decades. Such milestones deserve a grand celebration with family and friends. Not Valentine’s Day.
The changing face of love
When a couple has spent more than half a lifetime together, they know practically everything about each other. It’s almost like they can read each other’s mind, down to completing each other’s unfinished sentences. They are so comfortable with each other that they no longer see the need to delight or surprise with little romantic gestures on Valentine’s Day. To such couples, every day is Valentine’s Day, celebrated in a thousand and one simple ways like holding hands when crossing the road, taking turns to cook meals, sharing the household chores, looking after each other when one is sick.
For baby boomer couples now in their 70s, the giddiness of romance has long left their marriage, to be replaced by quiet acceptance or tolerance of each other. Years of familiarity breeds ease and comfort in each other’s company.
On the flip side, while many older couples remain together, there is no love lost between husband and wife, and it is plain for all to see. There is little or no communication, even less physical touch. It is like two strangers living under the same roof out of convenience. For these couples, the last spark of love has long died; the dying embers refuse to be reignited. Divorce is messy and expensive. The best option is to let things be as they have been for so many years. No point rocking the marital boat and plunging into deep waters. Just avoid getting into each other’s hair as far as possible. It all boils down to incompatibility. Perhaps they were not meant for each other in the first place. For them, Valentine’s Day holds no meaning or significance. It’s just another day to be struck off on the calendar.
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Many single seniors are happy singles, especially those who went through an unhappy marriage and are divorced. They are living life free from marital woes and stress. |
What about senior singles? Do they dread Valentine’s Day? Is it a reminder of their status quo? When they see their married friends happily celebrating with their spouse, do they feel envious? For the widowed, is it a day of loneliness and loss?
Take heart, senior singles. Unless you are married to someone wonderful, it’s better to remain single. Loving, caring husbands are a dying breed. So are loving, caring wives. And if the right one doesn’t show up within your peripheral vision or on your door-step, it’s not the end of the world. Indeed, some married women secretly envy their carefree single girl friends who go where they want, and with whom they like. They answer to no one. Today the single older woman is bold and uncompromising. They are not afraid to live life according to their own rules.
Seeking love out
For senior singles, they have a choice – to remain single, or be open to marriage. But where and how does one find a lifelong partner? Online dating sites? Social hangouts? Activity groups for seniors? Matchmaking agencies?
Back in the 1930s and 40s, arranged marriages were common. Social norms were strict especially for girls. They had little say in the choice of a life partner. Should they lose their husband, they were expected to remain widows for the rest of their lives.
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Single parents - my mom and me, with my two little girls in cc 1973. |
This was the case with my mother. She never remarried, and remained a widow for 68 years till she passed away at age 94. It would be rare for a young widow these days to remain single and faithful to the memory of her dearly departed husband. We are all social beings. We need friends, we need companionship. Loneliness in our later years is a slippery road to depression, and that is something to avoid at all costs.
It takes a lot of hard work to nurture a relationship, a lot of give and take to reach that stage where one simply can’t live without the other. They complete each other. Each is the other half, and they fit perfectly together. Many young couples don’t have the patience to work at it. Gone are the days when wedding vows were taken seriously and couples remained married “till death do us part”. Second marriages were almost unheard of, as were divorces. Indeed, to ask for a divorce would be like asking to be ostracized socially.t
We are living in modern times. There is no social stigma attached to remaining single, divorced or separated. Idle tongues do not wag as much now at single older women and men going on dates to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It is liberating to know that society has become more accepting of divorcees and of second marriages. Gossip mongers will have little ammunition to hurt anyone. It is none of their business who their single senior friends go out with, or if the latter decide to get a divorce or marry again. I say this because there are older men and women who deprive themselves of a chance to be happy again in a new relationship, for fear of others talking about them behind their backs. Live life for yourself, not for others.
For longtime married couples that have lost that loving feeling, but do not want a divorce for whatever reasons, there is one solution that is gaining popularity in Japan. It is ‘Sotsukon’. It’s the perfect compromise for couples who still have some affection for each other, but want to have the freedom to pursue their own interests. The arrangement is akin to living together as housemates, with each partner enjoying independence and freedom to make new friends and enjoy a new lifestyle. Both parties may not want to go through a divorce especially if no third party is involved. For these couples Sotsukon makes sense - still together as a couple but living apart. This is not the same as being estranged. They remain friends and still care for each other as in a platonic relationship.
Such arrangement is already in common practice here among older seniors who have no desire to marry or remarry, but are fine with having a constant companion or partner.
Whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed, we should be celebrating love every day, in the little things we do, not necessarily in gifts for the people we love. Love doesn’t have to cost a cent. Love can be a genuine smile, a warm hug or an affectionate kiss. Or a good deed for someone we don’t know but who needs our help.
Spread a little love today, and every day. Happy Chap Goh Mei and Valentine’s Day.
Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.
(The above article was first published in the Star on 12 Feb 2025. The online version can be acessed at this LINK.