WHAT IS A GOOD DEATH?

Thoughts of death and dying have been on my mind of late. No, I am fine in case readers are concerned. It’s just that in the past two months I have been to five wakes and funeral services.

A record for me personally, but not unexpected, considering my age and the community I am actively involved in.

Most of us are in our 70s and 80s. While we aspire to enjoy many more active years ahead, not everyone will get to achieve this. Friends and family members will leave us one by one as time passes.

Death is also a part of life.

With Qing Ming just over, it is another reminder that life is transient. For those unfamiliar with this Chinese observance, Qing Ming is a time for Chinese families to make the annual visit to the burial grounds of their departed family members. It is a mark of filial piety for Chinese families to pay their respects to their ancestors, with prayers and offerings of food.

Family members also take the opportunity to spruce up the grave in the cemetery. With cremation becoming the preferred choice now, Qing Ming is also observed at the columbarium and temples.

The ultimate leveller

Death can knock on our door at anytime and anywhere. It can strike down the young and the old, the healthy and the infirmed, the rich and the poor. Death is the ultimate leveller.

It comes to the best among us, and to the worst among us. It happens in greater numbers among the elderly. Yet we know precious little about how best to prepare for death. Countless books have been written about how to live a happy life, but very few about how to have a happy death. Is there such a thing as the art of dying? Can it be taught or learned?

Has anyone been through the death experience and shared it with a loved one in a dream? How does one deal with one’s approaching death? Why is death nearly always associated with pain, fear, grief and loss? Isn’t it possible to depart with relief, joy and celebration? At last, for some. Too soon, for others.

So many questions but hardly any answers. For those already nearing the final chapter of their lives, it is good to reflect on this eventuality and be prepared for it. By this I mean, putting our affairs in order, like making sure we have made our will and arranged for the disposal of our earthly possessions.

We want to have a say in planning our wake and funeral service, like which of our photos to display at our wake, what music to play and where we want our final resting place to be. We should play a central role in this important decision making and not leave everything for our spouse or children to decide. And we should do this when we are still of sound mind.

Death is still considered a taboo subject, and few people feel comfortable discussing it. However, there is now a growing sense of acceptance. It makes sense to plan how we want to go while we are still around and still lucid enough to decide.

I have learnt more about death after taking up a course on “End of Life: Death and Dying” for my post-graduate studies in Applied Gerontology. In 2018, I attended a two-day “Death Festival” organised by a local funeral service provider. It opened my eyes to a more positive side of death. Understanding death takes away the fear and replaces it with quiet acceptance as something natural, and not to be feared. For some it may even be welcomed.

The ‘perfect’ goodbye

A dear friend’s mother had what I call “the perfect final goodbye”. Friends and family members from near and far had come together to celebrate the wedding of her grandson. At the wedding dinner she was a picture of joy, laughing and chatting with everyone, obviously delighted that all her loved ones were present and around her that night.

I remember saying good night to her as I passed her table on the way out, after the dinner. She was all smiles, and looking radiant. The next day she passed away peacefully in the afternoon while taking a rest. She was 87.

Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with a good death. I remember too seeing another auntie, one of my mother’s closest friends, groaning in pain as she struggled to breathe, her body ravaged by terminal cancer. It was a sight that remains etched in my mind.

At our age, many of us would probably have seen death up close in people we know and love. For those with terminal illness, death is a welcome release. We have seen the acute pain and intense discomfort they have to endure, hour after endless hour, week after torturous week.

They don’t have the strength to fight the illness, nor the will to live anymore. They just want to be left in peace to die. But not everyone in such a condition wants to let go. Nor does the family want to see their loved one go.

When there is no quality of life, who makes the final decision to pull the plug, that is, Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)? Such a decision should be made known to our family while we are still able to decide.

Life is precious. We want to hold on to life for as long as we can. But does being kept alive with machines and endless medication constitute life as we know it?

Here’s another decision some of us may want to consider. I recently attended a talk “Turn A Loss Into A Gift” by Prof Dr Saw Aik, Director of the “Silent Mentor” programme.

I had first heard about this programme in 2022, and had followed a live recording of the entire ceremony.

It affected me immensely on both the emotional and spiritual level, and brought tears to my eyes.

Briefly, Silent Mentor is a programme initiated by Universiti Malaya to promote body donation for medical education, research and training for medical students. The sending-off ceremony was very respectful and dignified, and heartwarming.

Our deceased body is the ultimate gift we can donate. It is not for everyone but for those willing and happy to contribute their body for teaching purposes. For the medical students it is an eye-opening and humbling experience to know that there are people capable of such a noble sacrifice.

God decides our final departure day, but it is within our hands to live well and leave well. Let us pray for a disease-free old age.

And when the time comes for us to go, to go quietly and peacefully, fading into the darkness of eternal sleep, with important decisions made, and everything taken care of.

That is a good death.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 9 April 2025. The online version can be accessed HERE.)

Are my retirement savings enough?

 

A 6.3% dividend for our EPF savings? It was definitely welcome news for every active contributor regardless of age. That’s the highest rate since 6.4% in 2017 and a significant jump from 5.4% last year.

But hold your horses before you start celebrating. The rise in price of essential goods and services, and the impending higher costs of medicine and hospital charges would likely even out any real gains in our retirement savings.

Let’s get down to some basics. How much do you spend a month on average? EPF’s latest Belanjawanku 2024-2025 guide recommends a monthly budget of RM 2,690 for a senior single and RM3,390 for a senior couple living in the Klang Valley where the cost of living is higher. Are your monthly expenses anywhere close to those figures? Perhaps you have no clue?

If you spend without keeping track of how much goes where, then it’s time to work out a simple budget for your monthly expenses. Allocate for these main items: Food, utilities, transportation, healthcare, personal care, social activities and miscellaneous.

One major item not in the list – loans and mortgage. Most retirees would have paid off their housing loan, and since they are no longer eligible for bank loans, they are free from that encumbrance too. Stay away from loans of any kind, and dubious money-lenders. You need to be debt-free in your retirement. Prudent money management is key to financial security for retirees.

Unfortunately, wisdom does not always equate with age for some retirees when it comes to money management. This is especially true for those who withdraw all their EPF savings in one lump sum upon reaching 55. They make plans for what they can do with the savings. Dreams can finally be fulfilled. Enough capital to start a small business or invest in quick-returns schemes and trips to exotic places. Some will go on a shopping spree for branded items and jewellery while others will indulge in classy watches or luxury cars.

The retirement years is not the time to keep up with appearances. These are the retirees who find themselves suddenly with so much money in their bank account they become reckless or foolish with their spending. Did you know that you can leave your savings in EPF till age 100? And you can arrange for monthly withdrawals?

Think carefully, spend wisely

There are retirees who subscribe to YOLO (You Only Live Once). They don’t want to miss out on the good things in life. They want to live life to the fullest. When they leave, they can say they have no regrets.

Their bucket list is no longer a wish list. “It’s my money and I can do what I want with it” is their response to well-meaning advice.

What about emergencies like an urgent surgery? “My children will take care of that”, they will say. Will they? Can they? Best not take for granted our children will care for us, support us in our old age.

They may not be financially independent. They may be pursuing post-graduate studies, or have housing loans, car loans and credit card debts to settle. Or young children to raise. Some may need funds to start a business. Who will they turn to for interest-free loans? Mommy and daddy, of course. It’s hard to say “No”. There goes a huge chunk of our hard-earned retirement savings.

At the other extreme are those who guard their savings like Uncle Scrooge, scrimping and getting by with the bare minimum even though they have accumulated a sizeable nest egg. They fear they may not have enough should a calamity befall them like an emergency health crisis that would gobble up almost their entire savings.

Most insurance policies provide coverage only till 75 years.

We lament government wastage of public funds but we are guilty of wasteful spending too. Buying more than we need and spending on things that do nothing to improve our health or wellbeing. Mindless shopping, that’s what it is. Instant gratification when we should know better at our age.

But of course, if you have plenty of money to spare, by all means indulge. Just pray you have enough set aside for emergencies that may swallow up almost all your life’s savings.

Even death is costly these days. Funeral packages can cost anything from RM20k!

There is no need to deprive ourselves of the simple things in life. Spend wisely and within our budget. Live a simple life. Indulge occasionally. Economise. Downsize. Less is more. When we spend less on wants, we have more to spend on needs.

One of the biggest concerns of retirees is having enough to cover medical emergencies. Many may not realise that this includes covering not only our own medical and healthcare expenses but also those of our elderly parents.

Planning for longevity

Longer life span means retirees in their 60s and 70s may still be taking care of their parents who are in their 80s and 90s! The longevity dividend is also the longevity deficit.

Just to give you an idea of high hospital charges, not that long ago I spent two weeks in a private hospital for some tests and observation. No surgeries. Nothing invasive except for a very minor procedure, but the bill was a shocker – almost RM30,000!

Another major item to set aside adequate savings for is retirement housing. A day will surely come when we will be alone, through personal choice to remain single, or through the loss of a spouse.

Much as we would prefer to age in place, that is in the comfort of our own home, it is not advisable to live alone in old age, regardless of whether you are still relatively fit and in good health. All it takes is just a fall or a stroke to render us helpless. We may have to seriously consider moving to an aged care facility or a senior retirement home. The fees charged can be anything from RM5000 to RM10,000 a month, depending on the level of care you require.

Will our retirement savings cover the above contingencies?

EPF has come out with the three-tier Retirement Income Adequacy (RIA) Framework set to launch in January 2026: Basic savings of RM390,000, covering essential retirement needs; adequate savings of RM650,000, providing a reasonable standard of living during retirement; and enhanced savings of RM1.3m, supporting greater financial security and independence for a higher quality of life.

We could use the above RIA as a guide. The current existing Basic savings is RM240,000 at age 55. Note the huge increase to keep pace with rising inflation and the current retirement age of 60 in Malaysia.

Saving early and making it a lifelong habit is key to having sufficient retirement funds to live on when you stop working after 60. If you are good at value investment or have a reliable financial advisor, you can make your money grow.

To the average worker, who contributes to EPF, nothing can beat seeing your savings grow exponentially through compound interest. Baby boomers who started contributing when they received their first salary would probably have adequate savings to live comfortably.

With longer life span, retirees need sufficient savings to tide them over the next 10-20 years upon retirement. Never too late to start developing healthy lifestyle habits to avoid non-communicable diseases that are common among older adults.

Long term care can swallow up all our savings. Let’s be responsible for our health rather than rely on the government or our children to take care of us. Be prudent in our spending and stay debt-free.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of the Star on 12 March 2025. The online edition can be accessed HERE.