VALENTINE'S DAY...IS LOVE ALL AROUND?

Everyday is Valentine’s Day for Mr and Mrs Jagjeet Singh, married for 61 years. — MRS J

It’s Valentine’s Day today. Brisk business for florists, restaurants and hotels as young couples out-do themselves to express their love for each other. From over-priced roses and chocolates to romantic candlelight dinners and the umpteenth honeymoon trip. Love is certainly in the air and all around.

However, for most long-time married couples, the day would likely be just another day. Husbands would think thrice about spending money on gifts for their wives. Wives would probably wish their spouse could be a bit more romantic. Asian husbands are known to be pragmatic, not romantic. To them, a simple satisfying meal at a seafood restaurant, or a movie outing should suffice. A bottle of Chanel No 5? A bouquet of red roses? A new watch? Nah! Wives can dream on.

After all, Valentine’s Day, like birthdays, comes every year. Makes more sense to celebrate silver or golden wedding anniversaries. They come around only once in decades. Such milestones deserve a grand celebration with family and friends. Not Valentine’s Day.

The changing face of love

When a couple has spent more than half a lifetime together, they know practically everything about each other. It’s almost like they can read each other’s mind, down to completing each other’s unfinished sentences. They are so comfortable with each other that they no longer see the need to delight or surprise with little romantic gestures on Valentine’s Day. To such couples, every day is Valentine’s Day, celebrated in a thousand and one simple ways like holding hands when crossing the road, taking turns to cook meals, sharing the household chores, looking after each other when one is sick.

For baby boomer couples now in their 70s, the giddiness of romance has long left their marriage, to be replaced by quiet acceptance or tolerance of each other. Years of familiarity breeds ease and comfort in each other’s company.

On the flip side, while many older couples remain together, there is no love lost between husband and wife, and it is plain for all to see. There is little or no communication, even less physical touch. It is like two strangers living under the same roof out of convenience. For these couples, the last spark of love has long died; the dying embers refuse to be reignited. Divorce is messy and expensive. The best option is to let things be as they have been for so many years. No point rocking the marital boat and plunging into deep waters. Just avoid getting into each other’s hair as far as possible. It all boils down to incompatibility. Perhaps they were not meant for each other in the first place. For them, Valentine’s Day holds no meaning or significance. It’s just another day to be struck off on the calendar.

Many single seniors are happy singles, especially those who went through an unhappy marriage and are divorced. They are living life free from marital woes and stress.

What about senior singles? Do they dread Valentine’s Day? Is it a reminder of their status quo? When they see their married friends happily celebrating with their spouse, do they feel envious? For the widowed, is it a day of loneliness and loss?

Take heart, senior singles. Unless you are married to someone wonderful, it’s better to remain single. Loving, caring husbands are a dying breed. So are loving, caring wives. And if the right one doesn’t show up within your peripheral vision or on your door-step, it’s not the end of the world. Indeed, some married women secretly envy their carefree single girl friends who go where they want, and with whom they like. They answer to no one. Today the single older woman is bold and uncompromising. They are not afraid to live life according to their own rules.

Seeking love out

For senior singles, they have a choice – to remain single, or be open to marriage. But where and how does one find a lifelong partner? Online dating sites? Social hangouts? Activity groups for seniors? Matchmaking agencies?

Back in the 1930s and 40s, arranged marriages were common. Social norms were strict especially for girls. They had little say in the choice of a life partner. Should they lose their husband, they were expected to remain widows for the rest of their lives.

Single parents - my mom and me, with my two little girls in cc 1973. 

This was the case with my mother. She never remarried, and remained a widow for 68 years till she passed away at age 94. It would be rare for a young widow these days to remain single and faithful to the memory of her dearly departed husband. We are all social beings. We need friends, we need companionship. Loneliness in our later years is a slippery road to depression, and that is something to avoid at all costs.

It takes a lot of hard work to nurture a relationship, a lot of give and take to reach that stage where one simply can’t live without the other. They complete each other. Each is the other half, and they fit perfectly together. Many young couples don’t have the patience to work at it. Gone are the days when wedding vows were taken seriously and couples remained married “till death do us part”. Second marriages were almost unheard of, as were divorces. Indeed, to ask for a divorce would be like asking to be ostracized socially.t

We are living in modern times. There is no social stigma attached to remaining single, divorced or separated. Idle tongues do not wag as much now at single older women and men going on dates to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It is liberating to know that society has become more accepting of divorcees and of second marriages. Gossip mongers will have little ammunition to hurt anyone. It is none of their business who their single senior friends go out with, or if the latter decide to get a divorce or marry again. I say this because there are older men and women who deprive themselves of a chance to be happy again in a new relationship, for fear of others talking about them behind their backs. Live life for yourself, not for others.

For longtime married couples that have lost that loving feeling, but do not want a divorce for whatever reasons, there is one solution that is gaining popularity in Japan. It is ‘Sotsukon’. It’s the perfect compromise for couples who still have some affection for each other, but want to have the freedom to pursue their own interests. The arrangement is akin to living together as housemates, with each partner enjoying independence and freedom to make new friends and enjoy a new lifestyle. Both parties may not want to go through a divorce especially if no third party is involved. For these couples Sotsukon makes sense - still together as a couple but living apart. This is not the same as being estranged. They remain friends and still care for each other as in a platonic relationship.

Such arrangement is already in common practice here among older seniors who have no desire to marry or remarry, but are fine with having a constant companion or partner.

Whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed, we should be celebrating love every day, in the little things we do, not necessarily in gifts for the people we love. Love doesn’t have to cost a cent. Love can be a genuine smile, a warm hug or an affectionate kiss. Or a good deed for someone we don’t know but who needs our help.

Spread a little love today, and every day. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on 12 Feb 2025. The online version can be acessed at this LINK.

DON'T GET LOST IN TECHNOLOGY

Instructors who conduct courses for seniors must bear in mind that older people learn differently from younger people. - LILY FU

Older seniors in their 70s and above are finding themselves lagging behind in a world that is increasingly becoming unfamiliar to them – the world of technology. Doing things the old way has almost been completely replaced with going online for transactions, services and communication.

The ubiquitous mobile phone has become our office, our link to family and friends, our instant access to knowledge, entertainment and more. We can’t leave home without our phones. We suffer panic, a near heart attack if we have misplaced our phone, or if it’s stolen.

It’s amazing how many apps we have on our mobile phones. There are apps for 1001 uses, from booking a ride to checking our EPF account. My daughter insisted that I installed a certain app that allows her to track my movements. For my safety, she tells me. She knew which places I visited when I was in Luang Prabang, Laos and what time I came safely home after a night out. It would be impossible to hide any secret rendezvous from her! The marvels of technology.

Most banks have stopped issuing savings account books. Account holders have no choice but to switch to online transactions. Parking has become cashless. For those taking public transport, you can only board if you have a RapidKL card or MyKad. Cash is not accepted. The reign of cash as king is in its final days, to be replaced by digital debit cards as ewallets.

Except for home deliveries and courier services, our email address is now more important than our domicile address. Our mobile phone number takes precedence over our landline phone number. How many of us still have a fixed phone line at home anyway?

No escape

Older adults learning to navigate online apps e.g. Waze, Google Drive on their mobile phone and desktop 

Whether we like it or not, want it or not, there is no escape from the technology around us. If we want to fit in, we have to adapt, to learn and to use what we have learned. Those who don’t will get left behind in the digital era.

Unfortunately, there are older adults who have a phobia about learning new skills. Once they reach 60, they think their brains have also reached retirement age. They feel they are too old to learn new skills.

I recall in the late 1990s when teachers were told they had to start using the computer to teach, some of my colleagues in the high school where I was teaching opted for early retirement! They didn’t want to be stressed out learning this new technology. Others took up the challenge and eventually were able to teach confidently using the computer and the projector instead of depending solely on the textbook and blackboard.

Goes to show older adults can learn new skills if they want to, if they have to.

Then there are those who think they have no need for such new learning. They can do without the internet. They don’t need to learn how to use apps. If they have to do any online transactions, they can always get their adult children to do so for them. Fine, to each his own. But just know that it is practically impossible to avoid the use of digital devices and technology. It’s not just apps but also kiosks. There are now kiosks that dispense hot meals and kiosks where we can renew our driving license, or pay our utility bills. Many restaurants are now using QR-code for food orders instead of the printed menu.

The dilemma is this: Who is there to help teach elderly Malaysians basic digital literacy? Who is there to guide them on how to install and use an e-hailing app, buy tickets online or use Waze? There is as yet no educational institute specifically set up for older adults where they can enroll for courses to be digitally empowered, to navigate apps with confidence and access social media platforms.

The closest we have to an institute dedicated to lifelong learning for older adults is University of the Third Age (U3A) Malaysia. It offers a wide range of online and onsite short courses, including computer skills and digital skills for Malaysians aged 50 and above. It is based at MyAgeing – the National Research Institute on Ageing at Universiti Putra Malaysia. It provides an avenue for older adults to pick up new skills without worrying about exams or tests. They learn because they want to, because they now have the time and opportunity to do so.

There is no such thing as being too old to learn something. When an opportunity to learn something new and useful is made available to us, we should seize it. Where there is a will, there is always a way. We have to adopt a positive attitude towards learning. We shouldn’t let the fear of failing or the lack of confidence be our excuse for not learning.

There are many examples of successful learning especially when there is strong motivation to do so. The need to remain in touch with family and friends is a powerful incentive. This is evident in how quickly older adults have embraced Whatsapp and Zoom, for example. Facebook is now dominated by older users, resulting in younger people migrating to Instagram and Tik Tok!

A different classroom

Trainer Osama demonstrating how to convert an image to pdf. It is important to take into account that older adults learn differently from young adults. 

Instructors who conduct courses for seniors must bear in mind that older people learn differently from younger people. Hence, they need to be familiar with “geragogy’” – the theory of how older people learn. For instance, instructors should teach at a slower pace, use bigger font size for text and show some respect for their “senior” students.

It is easy for older learners to forget how to use applications after a lapse of time. There is no point learning something and not applying or practicing it. How often have we heard older adults say they can’t remember their account password, how to check their email or download and install an app. Learn smart – it’s near impossible to learn everything, so be selective. Limit your learning to what is useful to you, so you won’t forget it.

The benefits of empowering older adults with digital tools are enormous. Aside from the convenience of carrying out tasks online and engaging socially online, seniors who run home-based businesses can make use of apps to promote their products or services and have the know-how to reach a wider market.

We are never too old to pick up new skills. All it takes is a change of mindset and attitude. The world is our oyster if we let it be. We may struggle with new learning, but if we are motivated enough, we can do it. Nothing beats motivation when it is something enforced or made compulsory.

With an empty nest at home and time on their hands, the retirement years offer a wonderful opportunity for retirees to acquire new knowledge and prevent the brain from getting rusty.

Learning new things helps us to grow old gracefully, keeps us alert and updated on the latest technologies. Group learning also promotes social interaction and makes our days more enjoyable and meaningful.

Use it, or lose it – that applies to our brains as well. If we continue to use our brain, we are exercising it, stimulating it to think, to analyse, to reason, to stay mentally sharp. Learning new things throughout our lifetime can help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Our memory improves when we challenge it with learning new skills. Learning something new also boosts self-esteem. When we learn a new skill, we feel a sense of achievement and pride. When we add a new qualification to our name, we earn respect from others. More doors are open to us for employment.

So make this day the start of new learning. Embrace technology for it is here to stay.

(Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.)

The print version of the article can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/01/16/starsilver-dont-get-lost-in-technology/