Sunday, April 20, 2025

WHAT IS A GOOD DEATH?


Thoughts of death and dying have been on my mind of late. No, I am fine in case readers are concerned. It’s just that in the past two months I have been to five wakes and funeral services.

A record for me personally, but not unexpected, considering my age and the community I am actively involved in.

Most of us are in our 70s and 80s. While we aspire to enjoy many more active years ahead, not everyone will get to achieve this. Friends and family members will leave us one by one as time passes.

Death is also a part of life.

With Qing Ming just over, it is another reminder that life is transient. For those unfamiliar with this Chinese observance, Qing Ming is a time for Chinese families to make the annual visit to the burial grounds of their departed family members. It is a mark of filial piety for Chinese families to pay their respects to their ancestors, with prayers and offerings of food.

Family members also take the opportunity to spruce up the grave in the cemetery. With cremation becoming the preferred choice now, Qing Ming is also observed at the columbarium and temples.

The ultimate leveller

Death can knock on our door at anytime and anywhere. It can strike down the young and the old, the healthy and the infirmed, the rich and the poor. Death is the ultimate leveller.

It comes to the best among us, and to the worst among us. It happens in greater numbers among the elderly. Yet we know precious little about how best to prepare for death. Countless books have been written about how to live a happy life, but very few about how to have a happy death. Is there such a thing as the art of dying? Can it be taught or learned?

Has anyone been through the death experience and shared it with a loved one in a dream? How does one deal with one’s approaching death? Why is death nearly always associated with pain, fear, grief and loss? Isn’t it possible to depart with relief, joy and celebration? At last, for some. Too soon, for others.

So many questions but hardly any answers. For those already nearing the final chapter of their lives, it is good to reflect on this eventuality and be prepared for it. By this I mean, putting our affairs in order, like making sure we have made our will and arranged for the disposal of our earthly possessions.

We want to have a say in planning our wake and funeral service, like which of our photos to display at our wake, what music to play and where we want our final resting place to be. We should play a central role in this important decision making and not leave everything for our spouse or children to decide. And we should do this when we are still of sound mind.

Death is still considered a taboo subject, and few people feel comfortable discussing it. However, there is now a growing sense of acceptance. It makes sense to plan how we want to go while we are still around and still lucid enough to decide.

I have learnt more about death after taking up a course on “End of Life: Death and Dying” for my post-graduate studies in Applied Gerontology. In 2018, I attended a two-day “Death Festival” organised by a local funeral service provider. It opened my eyes to a more positive side of death. Understanding death takes away the fear and replaces it with quiet acceptance as something natural, and not to be feared. For some it may even be welcomed.

The ‘perfect’ goodbye

A dear friend’s mother had what I call “the perfect final goodbye”. Friends and family members from near and far had come together to celebrate the wedding of her grandson. At the wedding dinner she was a picture of joy, laughing and chatting with everyone, obviously delighted that all her loved ones were present and around her that night.

I remember saying good night to her as I passed her table on the way out, after the dinner. She was all smiles, and looking radiant. The next day she passed away peacefully in the afternoon while taking a rest. She was 87.

Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with a good death. I remember too seeing another auntie, one of my mother’s closest friends, groaning in pain as she struggled to breathe, her body ravaged by terminal cancer. It was a sight that remains etched in my mind.

At our age, many of us would probably have seen death up close in people we know and love. For those with terminal illness, death is a welcome release. We have seen the acute pain and intense discomfort they have to endure, hour after endless hour, week after torturous week.

They don’t have the strength to fight the illness, nor the will to live anymore. They just want to be left in peace to die. But not everyone in such a condition wants to let go. Nor does the family want to see their loved one go.

When there is no quality of life, who makes the final decision to pull the plug, that is, Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)? Such a decision should be made known to our family while we are still able to decide.

Life is precious. We want to hold on to life for as long as we can. But does being kept alive with machines and endless medication constitute life as we know it?

Here’s another decision some of us may want to consider. I recently attended a talk “Turn A Loss Into A Gift” by Prof Dr Saw Aik, Director of the “Silent Mentor” programme.

I had first heard about this programme in 2022, and had followed a live recording of the entire ceremony.

It affected me immensely on both the emotional and spiritual level, and brought tears to my eyes.

Briefly, Silent Mentor is a programme initiated by Universiti Malaya to promote body donation for medical education, research and training for medical students. The sending-off ceremony was very respectful and dignified, and heartwarming.

Our deceased body is the ultimate gift we can donate. It is not for everyone but for those willing and happy to contribute their body for teaching purposes. For the medical students it is an eye-opening and humbling experience to know that there are people capable of such a noble sacrifice.

God decides our final departure day, but it is within our hands to live well and leave well. Let us pray for a disease-free old age.

And when the time comes for us to go, to go quietly and peacefully, fading into the darkness of eternal sleep, with important decisions made, and everything taken care of.

That is a good death.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 9 April 2025. The online version can be accessed HERE.)

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