THE POWER OF COMMUNITY IN OUR AGEING SOCIETY

 

There's a poignant adage that while one mother can care for ten children, ten children often struggle to care for one mother.

Personally, I feel we can no longer bring this up each time there is a discussion about elderly neglect, abuse or abandonment. In the first place, it is becoming a rarity these days to find a family with more than five children. The demographics show a steady decline in the fertility rate. It currently stands at 1.9, down from a high of 2.9 in 2000. The average of one or two children is becoming the norm now for young couples.

Furthermore, children will eventually leave the family home to further their studies or seek employment elsewhere either locally or abroad. The end outcome is the rise in the number of empty nesters. An estimated 10% of our senior citizens live alone. This trend is continuing. Smaller family size means fewer siblings to share the financial, physical and filial responsibility of taking care of their elderly parents.

Not all children will support their parents in their old age. Some can afford to, but choose not to because of long-standing family friction. Many have their own financial commitments to grapple with and a young family to raise. Whatever the case or circumstances, the fact is elderly parents have to fend for themselves.

If they have sufficient savings to see them through the retirement years, well and good. But with advancing age comes a host of health issues, especially non-communicable diseases like diabetes, cancer, stroke that require long term care. The situation is further compounded by soaring medical costs and insufficient or no medical insurance coverage.

Living long, living well

Unless we enjoy good health in our golden years, we’d rather not live to “a ripe old age” if our days are filled with pain and total dependence on others. That’s why we often hear the elderly say it’s better to die than to have no quality of life and be a burden to others.

With longevity, it is not uncommon to find an elderly couple looking after each other in their twilight years. One frail elderly caring for another who is just as frail or worse. Longer life expectancy also means having two sandwich generations – adult children in their 40s looking after their parents in their 70s. And retirees in their 70s looking after their parents in their 90s!

If we factor in the elderly in-laws, that’s a total of at least eight elderly members from both sides and two young children to be responsible for. That’s enough to make young people think thrice about marriage and raising a family.

Reflect on that, and perhaps we can understand why the government is hesitant about introducing a Maintenance of Elderly Parents Act. It has been brought up now and again during the past 20 years or so. But till today, nothing concrete has materialised as far as the Act is concerned. The government is reluctant to hold adult children fully responsible for not taking care of their parents. They may want to but their financial situation may not allow them to do so.

When it comes to taking care of mum and dad, the role of the primary caregiver invariably falls on the daughters, more often than not, on the unmarried daughter. She becomes the obvious sole or primary caregiver. It is a 24-hour responsibility. She does not get any respite, any relief unlike professional staff or relief workers in aged care facilities. They get to enjoy shift work, and go home when the work day is done. They get to destress and recharge for the next day.

It helps if the sole caregiver is able to take a break. That is why we encourage everyone to have a small inner circle of close friends, that can drop by on a regular basis to chat, play a game of mahjong or bridge or have a cookout. Buddies will do that for one another. Looking after an elderly person for a sole caregiver can be lonely and depressing, more so if the elderly person has health issues, is cranky and requires assistance with daily activities. Caregivers need a break from the demanding routine of care duties to avoid burnout.

The columnist (second from left) took part in the recent Care Summit at KLCC which brought focus not only on eldercare, but also care for special needs children. — LILY FU

Available, accessible, affordable

Aged care facilities, daycare centres andhome care services are available but not easily accessible or affordable to every family with an elderly member that requires looking after. Eldercare must meet these criteria: Availability, accessibility, affordability.

All three can be found where we live. It is time for residents’ committees together with the property management team to step up and work together, to go beyond just overseeing the place and collecting maintenance fees.

It’s time to promote the community spirit of neighbours helping neighbours by organising activities to encourage interaction, cooperation, and build trust among residents so that they can reach out and offer assistance whenever a call goes out for help. This can be easily done via a residents’ WhatsApp group to connect a resident looking for a daycare companion for her elderly mother, and a resident who can provide that service. Housewives and retirees make excellent companions for the housebound elderly.

This arrangement can be done on a voluntary basis or for a fee. For the daughter who has full-time job, it means welcome relief to know her mother is safe at home in the company of a neighbour whom she knows and trusts.

Another proposal is to have eldercare services at the work place. Childcare facilities are already available at certain workplaces. This service can be extended to include eldercare. Adult children can leave their parent there rather than leave them alone at home. In fact, retired older persons who are still fit and mobile can be a great help at these facilities either as volunteers or staff members. We have seen in our own families how grandparents and grandchildren enjoy a special bond.

As for the sole caregiver, it is of paramount importance that she has access to outlets and opportunities to destress. A stressed-out caregiver will not only suffer physical and mental health issues, but may inflict physical and psychological abuse on the care recipient. A burnout carer will do more harm than good.

She can join a caregivers’ support group, for example the Alzheimer’s Disease Foundation Malaysia (ADFM), and participate in the activities. She gets to meet other caregivers, share their stories and support one another. Siblings can take turns to do shift duty and look after their elderly parent. It’s a whole-family hands-on approach to caregiving. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Hence the need for out-of-the box ideas that may or may not work, but are worth a try.

The Selangor state government should be commended for taking the lead in organising the Care Summit from Oct 9 to 11 at KLCC. It brought focus not only on eldercare, but also on caring for OKU and special needs children. Equally welcomed is the emphasis on caregivers, to seek solutions to support them in their caregiving role.

The researchers have done their work in collecting and ­sharing data, the conference speakers have raised awareness through their talks and the ministry representatives have given their feedback to the policy-makers. Let’s hope it doesn’t stop there. The proposals raised should not languish at the various ministries gathering dust before they finally see the light of day, if at all.

All of us have parents. All of us will grow old one day. We can’t wait for something drastic to happen before we take corrective action. If bureaucratic red tape is unavoidable, let us take the initiative to introduce some of these proposals to our communities, and volunteer to get them implemented. It’s time to act.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The online article is accessible at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/10/22/the-power-of-community-in-our-ageing-society)