MY ETERNAL GRATITUDE TO MY ROLE MODEL - TERESA HSU

Teresa with adopted son Sharana Rao

The first time I met Singapore’s supercentenarian, Teresa Hsu, was on Oct 20, 2008, a day after attending the MIM- RAMLEAN life enrichment programme. I had just spent four days from 16-19 Oct with 32 senior citizens ranging from 50 to 70 years of age. We were all looking to discover meaning and purpose in our sunset years, and here was a 110-year old woman who had already found her calling early in life.

Teresa had been invited by YPO (Malaysia Chapter) for a dialogue session on “Healthy at 110”. 110 and still actively involved in community work and traveling around to give motivational talks. How does she do it? I most certainly wanted to find out from her.

My daughter, Belle, with Teresa after the talk.

I was half expecting to see a frail, wrinkly old lady with fading eyesight and hearing loss. When I finally met her, I was completely bowled over by her clarity of vision, her infectious laughter, her natural wit and her mental agility. She could have easily passed for 40 years younger.

Teresa’s life story makes for fascinating reading. Born in 1898 in Guangdong, China, she has lived in three different centuries and seen more than she wanted of the horrors of war, hunger, poverty and disease.

(Image: Singapore Remembers)

From the age of four, Teresa learned to make herself useful with a broom. Her world was one of constant sweeping, cleaning and doing housework. She was deprived of an education in China where only males were allowed to attend school. But when her family moved to Penang in 1927, she managed to persuade the nuns at the convent where she was working as a cleaner to let her study with the children. Four years later, she passed her Senior Cambridge. With that under her belt, she left for Hongkong, and later Chongqing to work as a stenographer and bookkeeper with a German news agency.

In 1937, she quit her job and volunteered to help the injured soldiers during the Sino-Japanese War. When World War Two broke out, Teresa was once again witness to the suffering of the sick and wounded. Determined to learn nursing so that she could better help those in need of medical attention, she left for London in 1947. Despite being overaged at 47, her sincerity and dedication helped her gain acceptance into the Royal Free Hospital where she developed her nursing skills over the next eight years.

While in London, she joined the International Voluntary Service for Peace and travelled around Europe to help the needy and promote peace. Hearing about her willingness to serve in return for food and lodging, Bruderhof, a German charity group, invited Teresa to work with German Jewish refugees in hospitals and homes in Paraguay. She was to remain there for the next eight years.

Teresa and her volunteers dishing out food for the poor
and hungry. (Image: Singapore Remembers).

.

In her mid-50s, Teresa returned to Malaysia to see her ailing mother. While there she also helped her brother start the Assunta Foundation in Ipoh. She later went on to establish three homes for the elderly and two homes for young girls and the neglected, all in Ipoh.

In 1961, Teresa went to live with her older sister, Ursula, in Singapore. Seeing how devoted Teresa was to helping the less fortunate, Ursula bought a piece of land with her savings from her work as principal of the Convent for the Holy Infant Jesus in Bukit Timah. There Teresa started Singapore’s first Home for the Aged Sick in 1965 at the age of 67.

(Image: Wikipedia)

In 1970, with the increase in the number of inmates and the lack of funds to keep the Home running, the sisters signed over the deeds of the Home to the Rotary Club which then took over the management of the Home. It was renamed Society for the Aged Sick. Teresa stayed on as matron till 1980 when she was asked to retire at age 83.

(Image: Wikipedia)

Not one to settle for passive retirement, Teresa started the Heart-to-Heart Service with her co-worker Sharana Yao from her sparsely-furnished house next to the Society for the Aged Sick. Today she remains actively involved in the weekly distribution of food and provisions to the elderly in need.

A keen practitioner of life-long learning, Teresa continues to expand her knowledge by reading and learning new skills. She has a collection of more than 2000 books all donated, and is currently reading the Bhagavad-Gita for the eighth time. It’s incredible that at her age she reads without the aid of glasses. At 69, she learned yoga and has incorporated it into her daily rituals. At 90, she embraced Buddhism. At 100, she picked up Mandarin and now speaks it fluently. She also speaks Malay, French, German, Spanish and four Chinese dialects. At present, Teresa is busy learning Sanskrit.

When asked about her longevity, Teresa attributes it to a spartan lifestyle, a vegetarian diet, healthy habits, and a positive outlook on life.

Some quotable quotes from Teresa:

"I never harbor negative thoughts as this will distract my focus in getting on with life and work."

“There are no naughty children – only naughty parents.”

“When you greet people with a smile, people will feel happy and smile back. If you pull a long face, people will not feel happy and pull a long face back at you.”

“Crying wastes tissue paper, and cuts down trees. It’s better to laugh.”

“If you see someone fall, you do not ask him why he did not see the stone. You help him up and ask him to be more careful next time.”

“If I’m married, I make only one man happy. If I’m not married, I make many people happy.”

“The answers are not from me. They are just out there.”

“The world is my home, all living beings are my brothers and sisters, selfless service is my religion.”

“I prefer to laugh than to weep. Those people who cry to me, I say is your body full of water? I always tell them it is better to laugh than to use tissue paper, as laughing is free but tissue paper costs five cents. 'Ha ha ha' costs no cents.”

“If I stay at home, I just ha-ha to myself. If I go out and ha-ha with 20 people, I make 20 people happy.”

“I don’t give. Giving means I have and you don’t have. I share – I share all I have, except ice cream and durians!”

“The whole world is one big family. All human beings are related to me. We may not have the same surname, but we share the same universal surname – human beings. And that’s good enough for me.”

“What do I think about death? I don’t know. I haven’t been there yet. Have you?”

"No one has ever explained religion or spirituality satisfactorily to me. My religion is my conscience, and my conscience guides me."

“If you think old, you are old. If you think young, you are young. Even when you are 100+, you can still do a lot.”

“Why am I a vegetarian? Do you want to cause pain for your pleasure? Ask yourself that, and you won’t dare to put a knife to their (animals and fish) throat.”

Over the years, Teresa has received numerous accolades in recognition of her humanitarian work. But she remains humble, preferring to shift focus from herself to her work at Heart-to-Heart Service.

Teresa was delighted with the pen Belle gave her.

My daughter, Belle, and I recently spent one whole morning with Teresa and Sharana in Singapore. Teresa graciously welcomed us into her home and even sang a jolly German song and a traditional Cantonese nursery rhyme to entertain us! Teresa enjoys laughing and we had plenty of it that morning.

She was delighted when Belle gave her a pen from an Anthony Robbins seminar she had attended. Teresa amazed us when she proudly read aloud the small inscription "Living is Giving". No need for eye glasses. "I like that," she said simply of both the pen and the inscription.

Later, we joined Teresa and Sharana on their weekly visit to distribute provisions to some elderly ladies in Chinatown. It was a truly enriching and inspiring experience for us to be in Teresa's company and listen to her words of humour and wisdom.

Teresa distributing essential items to the elderly in Chinatown. (Pic: Lily)

Teresa is proof that it really doesn’t take much to live a long, happy, healthy and fulfilling life. As for Teresa herself, she says, “I hope to live till 250! In this world, there are still many poor people who need help from others. I can't leave too soon!"

Teresa loves to read. Here she's browsing
Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". (Pic: Belle)

May you enjoy double happiness and double longevity, Sister Teresa!

POSTSCRIPT: The above article has been updated and revised from the original written in December 2008. My daughter Belle and I developed a friendship with Teresa till she passed on in December 2011. Our three years with her were fulfilling ones for all of us. Belle helped to make her wish come true - she had wanted to visit her nursing school in the UK one more time. Belle was able to secure a business class return air ticket from Singapore Airlines for Teresa. She accompanied Teresa and Sharana for the entire visit.

Like a little girl flying her first kite. A picture of pure joy!

The above photo taken by Belle remains one of my all-time faviurite photo of Teresa. She was eager to try new experiences like flying this beautiful kite. Belle also invited her to watch the night Grand Prix from the hotel where we were staying. On another occasion we introduced her to Anthony Robbins and his wife Sage. They were in Singapore for their 'Unleash the Power Within' event.

Anthony Robbins was honoured to meet Teresa.
(Pic: Belle)

Camera shy. Visiting Teresa at her home.

I have been asked countless times in interviews and by friends what made me start SeniorsAloud, who my role model is, and what drives my purpose in life. This is my reply below.

I started SeniorsAloud blog in May 2008. Blogging was popular then. Facebook was in its early years. It was tough going and a challenge for me to carry on as I was also recovering from a major operation in June. I was ready to give up my plan of starting a seniors community. It was destiny that a few months later in October, I met Teresa. She became my inspiration, and has remained my role model to this day.

On looking back over the years, I owe Teresa my inner strength, my passion in serving the elderly, and my continuing journey in active living and lifelong learning.

THE FIGHT FOR DIGNITY IN LATER LIFE

The United Nations Human Rights Day falls on December 10 every year. The Bar Council has been organising the Human Rights Festival since the first one in 2022. This year, the event was extra significant as Chief Justice Datuk Seri Utama Wan Ahmad Farid Wan Salleh was there to launch the MyBar Pro Bono Hub. The initiative offers a range of services, including support to help seniors access their legal rights.

These rights (or principles) cover the right to independence, participation, care, self-fulfillment and dignity.

Let me comment on each of these five rights. My views come from my personal interaction with the homeless elderly during the months filming on location in the inner-city areas, and from my conversations with members of my senior community.

The right to independence

Older persons should have the right to decide for themselves, where they want to live in their old age, what to eat, how to dress, who to go out with, how to spend their time and money, and which aged care home to move to.

This also extends to their will and legacy, who and what to bequeath to; their relationships, whether they should get married again or just co-habitate with someone they like. In short, any decision that concerns them. Their adult children and well-meaning friends may offer advice, but the final decision rests with them.

Independence also covers end-of-life decisions including how they want to depart i.e. burial or cremation, what religious rites or none at all, indeed, all decision right down to the choice of obituary photo. It is their life and they should have a major say in it, as long as they are still capable of making decisions on their own.

The right to participation

Senior citizens looking for a job should not be discriminated against based solely on age. If they meet all the job specifications, they should be given a fair opportunity to be considered for the job. The same applies to participation in learning. Registration for workshops, courses and training should be open to all, including older persons.

If the learners are all older persons, the instructor should be familiar with geragogy – the principles of teaching older learners with age-related limitations, for example, hearing loss and vision impairment.

Participation also extends to retirees who may want to volunteer their service to NGOs or help out at community events and projects. They want to be useful, to do their bit for society. Give them the opportunity to do so. They should also be allowed to start an association, an enterprise or a movement if they have the required capabilities and skills.

Government resources like scholarships for further studies and upskilling opportunities should be made available to retired persons too.

Our booth at the 3rd Human Rights Festival. You can view our documentary 'Meniti Senja' on Youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVruZrBSr7Y&t=53s

The right to care

Every human being, from cradle to grave, deserves care. It should come not only from the family, but also from the community, society and government. Care goes beyond healthcare.

It extends to protection, safety and support, shelter and food. When a family no longer cares for its elderly members, that’s when the latter ends up in welfare homes or on the streets.

Take a walk in the downtown city areas, you are bound to come across heart-breaking scenes of elderly men and women rummaging through garbage bins looking for plastic bottles or aluminum cans, or collecting discarded cardboard boxes to sell for a pittance.

These seniors should be enjoying their golden years pursuing their passions and playing with their grandchildren, not eking out a living.

It is hard to understand how anyone could be all alone in the world, with no family members or friends to turn to in times of need.

No one wants to be in a situation like this. No one deserves to be in a situation like this.

It can happen to anyone. Even the wealthy can end up poor and homeless if an unexpected calamity befalls them.

Having good relationships with family and friends reduces the risk of abandonment and social isolation in old age.

The right to self-fulfillment

Think only the young have dreams? Older persons have them too. Retirees now have the time and financial means to make their dreams come true. Some go back to school to earn a degree, some sign up for courses to turn their passion into income, some look for opportunities to improve their singing, dancing or music talent. One senior I know took up a course in Cantonese opera performance. The sky is not even the limit for

unfulfilled dreams. Another found his calling in doing commercials.

Love to travel? Go for it. If you have always wanted to travel to Antarctica, go join Yusuf Hashim’s tour group. He’s 79 and has been there several times.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you are too old to do something or that you lack the ability to do it. You know yourself best. As oft repeated, If not now, then when? At our age, opportunities don’t come knocking often, not even twice.

The right to dignity

No one should victimise, ridicule or disrespect anyone on the basis of age. Older persons should not be the brunt of ageist jokes or be made to feel worthless just because they may not be well educated or earning an income. In the same breath, seniors must also be deserving of respect in their actions, speech and attitude towards others.

Respect is earned through our behaviour, how we treat others and how we react to situations. We can do better – treat others with respect even when they may not respect us. Life is not a tit-for-tat. Revenge and other toxic emotions should never have a place in our heart. They can poison our health, both physical and mental.

To me, the top three evils that older persons should be protected against are the 3As: Ageism, Abuse, Abandonment. It takes a whole-of-society and a whole-nation approach to stamp out such violations of human rights. In our youth, we helped build the country. When we are no longer in our prime,

we should not be marginalised, ignored, forgotten, and worse of all victimised.

We can’t force others to uphold these human rights, but we can start with ourselves. Let’s begin the new year with the commitment to respect others and be a better human being, to care for others, to forgive and forget and to move on, to live life as best as we can, to take care of ourselves and those who can no longer care for themselves. If you can’t do it alone, join a community group or start our own. It’s never too late, and we are never too old to do good.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocatesfor seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first punlished in The Star on Wed 17 Dec 2025. It can be accessed under the title 'A Matter of Rights' at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/12/17/the-fight-for-dignity-in-later-life)

The Age of Financial Uncertainty

What most older working Malaysians look forward to besides retirement is withdrawing their EPF savings. Quite understandable. After all, retirement is sweeter when we have money to spend on what we have been planning for.

We have worked long years and have diligently contributed to Employees Provident Fund (EPF). Finally, it is time to enjoy the fruits of our hard labour!

It came as no surprise, therefore, when World Bank Malaysia recommended recently in their report that the EPF withdrawal age be raised to at least 60, there was swift public outcry to this proposal.

The main thrust of the World Bank Malaysia Report was to argue the case for expanding social pensions and providing coverage for a rapidly ageing population. By 2030 an estimated 15% of our population will be 60 and above. There was an urgent need to ensure no one falls below the poverty line.

Social pension refers to financial support given to the elderly. Eligibility could be means-based or age-based, with contribution coming from government revenues. A good example is the current Bantuan Warga Emas (Senior Citizens Assistance) where eligible elderly receive RM600 a month.

Is this sum adequate? Can the government afford to expand the recipient base? Where would the funds come from? What are the trade-offs?

However, the immediate reaction from the public was not to address the above questions.

These would best be left to the economists and policy-makers, but rather it was aimed at the proposals to raise the EPF withdrawal age from the current 55 for partial withdrawal to 60 for full or monthly/flexible withdrawal. It was also proposed that the retirement age be raised from the present 60.

These proposals did not go down well with EPF contributors.

The World Bank Malaysia Report argued the case for expanding social pension and provide coverage for a rapidly ageing population. The report can be downloaded at 
https://www.worldbank.org/en/country/malaysia/publication/should-malaysia-expand-its-social-pension-global-evidence-design-issues-and-options

Cool heads needed 

The outcry was not unexpected. Any proposals to delay access to their savings would meet with opposition. We need to have cool heads to reflect on this issue.

First of all, the average life expectancy has gone up to 76. Retirees in their 60s and even early 70s are generally fitter and able to continue working if they choose to. Countries like India and China have raised their retirement age to 60. For Denmark, Australia and the Netherlands, it’s 67. The rest of the world is likely to follow suit.

How would the proposal to expand social pension coverage and adequacy benefit the elderly?

It would certainly help towards poverty reduction for the recipients and their households. It would also reduce financial inequality in the population. Aid recipients will have an option to stop working and help out with the family, for example, in minding the grandchildren.

Relief from the necessity to work will translate into better physical and cognitive health for the recipients – less stress and depression, and improved overall wellbeing.

If the retirement age is raised, workers can save more with EPF, and with compound interest, they can amass a decent nest egg for their old age. This would lighten the financial responsibility for adult children to support their parents. The latter would remain financially independent for a longer period.

It is simple math to estimate how much we need upon retirement based on our current monthly expenses. Multiply that by the number of years we expect to live, and we can get a rough figure. Check that against what we have in our EPF and we should be able to gauge our financial position and decide whether to go back to work. Hence the worldwide trend for countries to raise the retirement age. If we decide to quit the work force at 60 (many even earlier), guess who will have to support them in their old age? Their adult children and the government.

Let’s not forget informal workers such as family helpers, street vendors and gig workers who do not contribute to any institutional savings fund, and therefore have no financial support in their old age.

Even with EPF savings, only around 36% of active contributors meet the existing Basic Savings level of RM240,000 at age 55. Is that sufficient to live on for the next 15 to 20 years?

Based on EPF statistics, 6.3 million members under the age of 55, or 48 per cent, have less than RM10,000 in their accounts. That works out to a retirement income of less than RM42 per month for a period of 20 years! Reflect on that, and we can understand why there is urgent need to expand social pension coverage in Malaysia, as recommended in the World Bank Malaysia report.

Financial literacy

Prudent money management is vital when it comes to ensuring our savings can support us through the years of retirement. Whether we are in the B40 or M40 group, money is never enough. We could always do with more. But where do we draw the line?

Having access to EPF savings or receiving social pension does not necessarily mean we have sufficient funds to see us through our retirement.

For one, we can’t afford to help our grown children with huge sums of money. Remember, retirement funds are for our retirement, and not for expensive weddings, luxury holidays, and children’s tertiary education. While it’s fine to donate small amounts to charity, it’s not okay to be paying for our adult children’s housing mortgage, post-graduate studies, car loans, and credit card debts. They are old enough to fund their own plans and pursuits, and deal with any financial commitments themselves.

Some adult children become so used to parental support that they expect their parents to step in whenever they need an injection of funds. The financial aid has to stop once the children start earning.

With longer life expectancy comes the need for retirees to look after their elderly parents who are in their 90s. That could mean paying for their healthcare and medical expenses.

If there is one single item that will swallow up all our hard-earned savings at one go, it has got to be medical expenses. Long-term care can drain our retirement funds. We are fortunate to have access to free or minimal charges for the elderly at public hospitals and clinics. We should appreciate that.

The smartest tip for retirees to stretch their savings is to invest in an active and healthy lifestyle.

Last week I met with some families with elderly members living in government low-cost apartments (PPR). I wanted to find out how they were managing their household expenses.

For those living alone with minimal savings, receiving RM600 a month is hardly enough. They have been told the current rental of RM124 for their apartment would soon be raised to RM250. They worry about whether they would be ­evicted if they are unable to keep up with rental payment. They had no knowledge of the proposals in the World Bank Malaysia report. For them, their main concern was bread-and-butter issues and receiving government subsidies, which they say do not adequately cover their living expenses. Still, they are grateful for any support.

A few said they did not receive any financial aid from the government and asked how to apply for it. Not all were aware of the Sumbangan Asas Rahmah (Sara) one-off RM100 cash assistance for Malaysians aged 18 and above to purchase certain provisions effective from November to December this year via their MyKad. There should be a more effective system of keeping the elderly informed of government aid, and how to apply for it.

This is the reality on the ground for these families in the B40 group.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 19 Nov 2025. The online version can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/11/20/the-age-of-financial-uncertainty)

THE POWER OF COMMUNITY IN OUR AGEING SOCIETY

 

There's a poignant adage that while one mother can care for ten children, ten children often struggle to care for one mother.

Personally, I feel we can no longer bring this up each time there is a discussion about elderly neglect, abuse or abandonment. In the first place, it is becoming a rarity these days to find a family with more than five children. The demographics show a steady decline in the fertility rate. It currently stands at 1.9, down from a high of 2.9 in 2000. The average of one or two children is becoming the norm now for young couples.

Furthermore, children will eventually leave the family home to further their studies or seek employment elsewhere either locally or abroad. The end outcome is the rise in the number of empty nesters. An estimated 10% of our senior citizens live alone. This trend is continuing. Smaller family size means fewer siblings to share the financial, physical and filial responsibility of taking care of their elderly parents.

Not all children will support their parents in their old age. Some can afford to, but choose not to because of long-standing family friction. Many have their own financial commitments to grapple with and a young family to raise. Whatever the case or circumstances, the fact is elderly parents have to fend for themselves.

If they have sufficient savings to see them through the retirement years, well and good. But with advancing age comes a host of health issues, especially non-communicable diseases like diabetes, cancer, stroke that require long term care. The situation is further compounded by soaring medical costs and insufficient or no medical insurance coverage.

Living long, living well

Unless we enjoy good health in our golden years, we’d rather not live to “a ripe old age” if our days are filled with pain and total dependence on others. That’s why we often hear the elderly say it’s better to die than to have no quality of life and be a burden to others.

With longevity, it is not uncommon to find an elderly couple looking after each other in their twilight years. One frail elderly caring for another who is just as frail or worse. Longer life expectancy also means having two sandwich generations – adult children in their 40s looking after their parents in their 70s. And retirees in their 70s looking after their parents in their 90s!

If we factor in the elderly in-laws, that’s a total of at least eight elderly members from both sides and two young children to be responsible for. That’s enough to make young people think thrice about marriage and raising a family.

Reflect on that, and perhaps we can understand why the government is hesitant about introducing a Maintenance of Elderly Parents Act. It has been brought up now and again during the past 20 years or so. But till today, nothing concrete has materialised as far as the Act is concerned. The government is reluctant to hold adult children fully responsible for not taking care of their parents. They may want to but their financial situation may not allow them to do so.

When it comes to taking care of mum and dad, the role of the primary caregiver invariably falls on the daughters, more often than not, on the unmarried daughter. She becomes the obvious sole or primary caregiver. It is a 24-hour responsibility. She does not get any respite, any relief unlike professional staff or relief workers in aged care facilities. They get to enjoy shift work, and go home when the work day is done. They get to destress and recharge for the next day.

It helps if the sole caregiver is able to take a break. That is why we encourage everyone to have a small inner circle of close friends, that can drop by on a regular basis to chat, play a game of mahjong or bridge or have a cookout. Buddies will do that for one another. Looking after an elderly person for a sole caregiver can be lonely and depressing, more so if the elderly person has health issues, is cranky and requires assistance with daily activities. Caregivers need a break from the demanding routine of care duties to avoid burnout.

The columnist (second from left) took part in the recent Care Summit at KLCC which brought focus not only on eldercare, but also care for special needs children. — LILY FU

Available, accessible, affordable

Aged care facilities, daycare centres andhome care services are available but not easily accessible or affordable to every family with an elderly member that requires looking after. Eldercare must meet these criteria: Availability, accessibility, affordability.

All three can be found where we live. It is time for residents’ committees together with the property management team to step up and work together, to go beyond just overseeing the place and collecting maintenance fees.

It’s time to promote the community spirit of neighbours helping neighbours by organising activities to encourage interaction, cooperation, and build trust among residents so that they can reach out and offer assistance whenever a call goes out for help. This can be easily done via a residents’ WhatsApp group to connect a resident looking for a daycare companion for her elderly mother, and a resident who can provide that service. Housewives and retirees make excellent companions for the housebound elderly.

This arrangement can be done on a voluntary basis or for a fee. For the daughter who has full-time job, it means welcome relief to know her mother is safe at home in the company of a neighbour whom she knows and trusts.

Another proposal is to have eldercare services at the work place. Childcare facilities are already available at certain workplaces. This service can be extended to include eldercare. Adult children can leave their parent there rather than leave them alone at home. In fact, retired older persons who are still fit and mobile can be a great help at these facilities either as volunteers or staff members. We have seen in our own families how grandparents and grandchildren enjoy a special bond.

As for the sole caregiver, it is of paramount importance that she has access to outlets and opportunities to destress. A stressed-out caregiver will not only suffer physical and mental health issues, but may inflict physical and psychological abuse on the care recipient. A burnout carer will do more harm than good.

She can join a caregivers’ support group, for example the Alzheimer’s Disease Foundation Malaysia (ADFM), and participate in the activities. She gets to meet other caregivers, share their stories and support one another. Siblings can take turns to do shift duty and look after their elderly parent. It’s a whole-family hands-on approach to caregiving. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Hence the need for out-of-the box ideas that may or may not work, but are worth a try.

The Selangor state government should be commended for taking the lead in organising the Care Summit from Oct 9 to 11 at KLCC. It brought focus not only on eldercare, but also on caring for OKU and special needs children. Equally welcomed is the emphasis on caregivers, to seek solutions to support them in their caregiving role.

The researchers have done their work in collecting and ­sharing data, the conference speakers have raised awareness through their talks and the ministry representatives have given their feedback to the policy-makers. Let’s hope it doesn’t stop there. The proposals raised should not languish at the various ministries gathering dust before they finally see the light of day, if at all.

All of us have parents. All of us will grow old one day. We can’t wait for something drastic to happen before we take corrective action. If bureaucratic red tape is unavoidable, let us take the initiative to introduce some of these proposals to our communities, and volunteer to get them implemented. It’s time to act.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The online article is accessible at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/10/22/the-power-of-community-in-our-ageing-society)

Happy Merdeka, Malaysia Day ... but where are the seniors?

Seventeen days of national celebrations from Aug 31 to Sept 16, including four straight days of holiday for those working, and one week school break. No wonder this year’s Hari Merdeka and Hari Malaysia celebrations were the grandest ever and hard to beat.

Malaysians came out in the tens of thousands at wee hours of the morning to claim the best spots for viewing the parade. And what a spectacular parade it was! A magnificent display of our nation’s progress at Dataran Putrajaya.

A well-deserved round of applause to the organising committee and special mention must be made of the instructors behind the excellent co-ordination of the 2000 “human graphics”. Two thumbs up to all the parade participants. They must have put in countless hours of practice, sacrificed time and sleep to ensure a spectacular parade for all to enjoy. Kudos to all of them.

The parade was truly an impressive showcase of how far Malaysia has come since it achieved independence in 1957. Whether at Dataran Putrajaya or at home viewing the live broadcast on TV, Malaysians watched the parade with pride. The thousands of uniformed men and women smartly marching in step, the dancers in their colourful ethnic costumes, the marching bands, bagpipes included, the show of military might and weaponry from the various armed forces, and the breathtaking aerial formation from the fighter jets. What a show! The corporate sector and GLCs were part of the procession as well.

Yes, Malaysia has certainly come a long way since independence.

However, one group was completely left out from the parade at Dataran Putrajaya. Perhaps it’s only seniors like me who noticed it?

Our warga emas was nowhere to be seen in the parade. Yes, they were there but only as bystanders. Oh, pardon me, I forgot there is now a new term for seniors – warga berusia or “the elderly”.

Probably more appropriate given how the golden retirement years have lost much of the glitter.

A letdown for seniors

The exclusion was a huge disappointment for me. Was there a good reason for it? The very generation that had contributed the best years of their lives, that worked hard to help build the fledgling nation from its birth. They were not acknowledged in the Independence Day Parade!

The young men and women of the 1950s and 1960s – the teachers, doctors, engineers, railroad workers, tin miners, rubber tappers, farmers, clerks, shopkeepers. They had put their shoulders to the plough to build the nation. This post-WW2 generation are now in their late 70s and 80s. Their years of contribution to nation-building should never be forgotten.

They had toiled together regardless of race and religion to build a future for their children in the newly independent country. It was a time of true harmony in diversity in the towns and villages. There was no need for slogans to remind them that they were all satu keluarga, satu negara (one family, one nation). Just ask the neneks and datuks.

So how is it that there was no visible participation of senior citizens in the Merdeka Day parade at Dataran Putrajaya?

Was it an honest omission, an oversight? Perhaps the organisers were not aware of the existence of NGOs for senior citizens, such as the National Council of Senior Citizens Organisations Malaysia (NACSCOM), Pusat Aktiviti Warga Emas (PAWE) and University of the Third Age (U3A) Malaysia, to name a few.

These groups could have participated in the parade. Perhaps the organisers felt senior citizens were too frail and weak to participate in a parade that would require long hours of rehearsal?

If the hunky men from the Fire Department units could participate riding on their fire engines, the elderly representatives from the NGOs could have done the same. No need to march or walk.

Children from primary schools were part of the procession, so were cats, dogs and horses. But senior citizens? No sign of them among the 14,000 that took part in the parade.

There were contingents from the various ministries including Defence, Communications, Housing and Sports, all proud to be part of the parade. I could be wrong but I didn’t see any representation from the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry. Yet another exclusion.

It would have been easy enough to have a decorated float carrying some OKU, senior citizens, mothers and children, all smiling their brightest, and waving to the crowds at Dataran Putrajaya.

Likewise, at the gala concert following the official launch of the five-day Pesta Budaya Malaysia by PM Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim at Taman Titiwangsa. Well done to the organising team.

It was a monumental undertaking to put together a concert of this magnitude to showcase the rich cultural diversity of Malaysia. Each performance segued seamlessly to the next without a nanosecond pause or technical hitch.

The audience was treated to a scintillating smorgasbord of dance, song and fashion. There was something for everyone to enjoy and applaud. Malaysia, Truly Asia.

Youth culture was not forgotten. More than a dozen teenagers in street fashion came on stage and awed everyone with their hip hop and breakdance moves. Its not exactly Malaysian culture but probably to show that our culture is age-inclusive. Is it, really?

Where were our veteran singers, dancers and musicians? Their heydays may be gone, but they can still perform and entertain. Veteran singers like Datuk Khadijah Ibrahim, Datuk Sheila Majid, Datuk DJ Dave, Datuk Zainal Abidin should have been invited.

It is unfortunate that senior citizens are often lumped into a single broad category of those aged 60 and above. And that could mean up to 100 years old. But there are huge differences between the young-old (60 to 75) and the old-old (90 and above).

It would be most helpful if policy-makers be familiar with the different needs and abilities of each senior age group. We should not view all senior citizens as ‘too old’ to be employed. The young-old in their 60s and 70s are still economically productive, still able to contribute to nation-building. Their vast experience should be tapped.

My point in mentioning these examples is this – if we exclude our seniors in major national events and continue to sideline them, we are perpetuating the negative perception of seniors as too frail, too senile to play an active role in the public sphere. No wonder ageism still exists in our society!

Such archaic views explain why seniors are not taken seriously. Their voice is often not heard, even though their numbers are growing.

Don’t write off the young-old, especially those in their 60s and 70s. They are still economically productive and with their vast working experience, they are a potential source of manpower.

Unity in diversity should include diversity in age. Any national-level celebration, whether in a parade, a TV promo, or a print ad should also feature senior citizens and not only children and young adults. Be inclusive.

We have a fast-growing ageing population that needs to be acknowledged and appreciated in ways other than in aged care.

Let’s not sideline our warga berusia. Involve them. They are part of the Malaysian family too.

Is that too much to ask?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition on Wed 24 Sept  at this link: https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/09/28/happy-merdeka-malaysia-day--but-where-are-the-seniors)

Reflections on Merdeka: Past and Present

The countdown to Merdeka Day has begun. Each year come August, patriotic Malaysians bring out the national flag from the cupboard and display it outside their homes. The whole country is decked out in the red, white and blue of the Jalur Gemilang.

The airwaves are filled with theme songs from past National Day celebrations. This year’s theme song, Malaysia Madani (Rakyat Disantuni), is fast gaining popularity. Of all the patriotic songs, Sejahtera Malaysia remains a firm favourite. We know the lyrics so well. We sing about the peace, harmony and prosperity of Malaysia, about facing challenges together as one people. The song evokes pride in being citizens of Malaysia.

But do we mouth the words without fully understanding the meaning? Or do we sing with feeling and pride, rejoicing and feeling blessed that we are citizens of this beautiful country called Malaysia?

Which begs the question – is this show of patriotism exhibited only once a year? What about the other eleven months? Do we genuinely love our country and its people as depicted in all the Hari Merdeka commercials and adverts? Smiling happy children representing each ethnic group dressed in their traditional attire, waving mini flags.

Do they truly represent the happy people of Malaysia? Or is all this a facade? It depends on who you ask.

If you ask the baby boomers born before 1957, the year when our country gained independence from colonial rule, they will tell you they miss those carefree days of the 1960s which they often describe as a time of togetherness, with less emphasis on difference.

Then, it was our common identity that united the different ethnic groups.

Things feel different today. What’s changed?

Truly Malaysian

Whenever I am asked about my nationality, I have always answered Malaysian. If pressed further, I will say I am Chinese Malaysian, rather than Malaysian Chinese. There is a subtle but important difference between the two.

It depends on what you prioritise. Your answer is a subconscious revelation of whether you regard nationality or ethnicity as more important.

Let us look for things that unite us, rather than those that divide us. Food is a wonderful example. We get to enjoy an almost limitless variety of food from all the different ethnic groups.

Visit a food court for a meal. You will be spoilt for choice. We also enjoy a rich diverse culture of music, dance and language.

Sports is another unifying force. We root for our national teams and players at international sports and games. In badminton, when Malaysia plays against China, who do Chinese Malaysians root for? Malaysia, without hesitation.

Malaysia is a country blessed with natural beauty. There are scenic places like our idyllic islands and hill resorts that we can escape to for a break from the stress of work, and the hustle and bustle of urban life.

The tropical climate suits us just fine. Aside from the occasional floods, there are no natural disasters such as volcanic eruptions, typhoons and the like.

As for the people, Malaysians are friendly and helpful once you get to know them on a personal level, especially those in the rural areas. They open their homes to you and welcome you to visit them.

Indeed, Malaysians are known for their hospitality and warm smiles. We can see why tourists love to visit our country, and why many have made it their second home in their retirement years.

We are blessed to call Malaysia our home. For me, personally speaking, Malaysia is the only homeland I know. I was born here, bred here and one day will die here. Why do some politicians label Malaysians like me “pendatang” and tell us to go back to China? I have given more than 30 of my best years in service to the nation, teaching and nurturing thousands of young minds.

Even in my retirement, I continue to contribute in community service for the elderly, regardless of their race.

Malaysia, can I call myself a daughter of this land?

Unity in diversity

Yes, there are 1,001 things to love about Malaysia. Unfortunately, that love is sometimes overshadowed by individuals who style themselves as heroes but end up stoking division.

These are the loose cannons ever ready to shoot incendiary rhetoric from their mouths without a thought about the damage they are inflicting on our society, our people.

Diversity is very important to me. I make it a point to seek it in my friends, in my group activities and also in my studies. Learning is much richer when we share views and opinions, and appreciate that we can learn from one another.

It increases our knowledge, and sharpens our minds. It encourages critical thinking and analysing.

Diversity enriches our experiences, and enhances creativity and innovation.

Failing to recognise and cherish our diversity could lead to a rise in exclusivity, elitism and segregation in our schools and universities, in our workplace and in our social circles.

We could learn from other countries that have done well in governance in this respect. A refusal to learn and improve, to admit mistakes and failure is hubris of the highest degree that borders on stupidity when it impedes progress.

We must realise that it is dangerous to blame isolated incidents on a whole race of people. When we taint everyone with the same brush, we are holding them guilty by virtue of a common denominator, which is often race or religion.

This is more harmful than casual stereotyping and can strain community relations. We have some examples of this in our history. But many have short-term memory, or choose to forget what doesn’t serve their purpose.

So far, we have been fortunate that the majority of Malaysians do not allow negative emotions to rule their heads.

Let’s pray that our good sense will continue even as there are some who stoke communal tension with their outrageous accusations.

I will fly the Malaysian flag from my balcony as I am the eternal optimist. We need to have hope, for without it, the future is bleak.

We hope for a cabinet that leads with competence and humility, engaging in constructive dialogue instead of unproductive debate. With such leadership, Malaysia can again flourish in peace and harmony.

Happy Merdeka!

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of the Star on 27 August 2025. It can be accessed HERE).

Is it time for Malaysia to introduce a Maintenance of Parents Act?

 

My previous article on family feuds and the breakdown of family relationships drew strong reactions from people I know and those I don’t know, from across the generations. I had obviously touched on a sensitive nerve that few want to acknowledge or do something about: The parents-children relationship. The general response was along the lines of, “It’s not that easy to forgive”; “They have never treated me well”; “I am happy to disown him”.

Which leads me to asking, “Is filial piety dead?”, or has it evolved into what we see today – a different way of how adult children express care and concern for their ageing parents, not very different from how they shower their young children with gifts and trips? How do elderly parents want their children to love, honour and respect them?

In the traditional family unit where generations lived under one roof, there was always someone around to look after the little children, and care for the elderly members. But this structure is fast disappearing, resulting in a kind of family diaspora, with the adult children moving out to seek better career prospects in other places.

Elderly parents are left on their own in an empty nest. Eventually one spouse passes away, and that’s when the big question comes up. What to do with the surviving ageing parent?

The duty of adult children to care for their elderly parents is a core value in all religions. Filial piety extends beyond death with the practice of ancestral worship. Today both virtues are on the decline. The Chinese government had to step in with threats of public shame, fines and imprisonment for those found guilty of neglecting their elderly parents. Isn’t there a better way than threats of punishment?

It’s no different across Asia. In India, the government passed the Senior Citizen Act, 2007, as an answer to the insecurities faced by older persons in the country. This law accords prime responsibility for the maintenance of parents on their children, grandchildren and even relatives.

In Singapore, the Maintenance of Parents Act (MPA) was introduced in 1995, making it a legal obligation for children to support their parents. Initially the Tribunal for MPA received hundreds of cases each year. After several amendments were introduced, the average of 170 cases between 2008 and 2010 fell to an average of about 30 cases in recent years.

This is a good sign that the MPA is effective as a deterrent to abandoning one’s elderly parents. Which begs the question – why is our government so hesitant about introducing a similar MPA? We cannot ignore the rising number of elderly parents ending up in old folks’ homes and shelters funded the government or by the community. More than 2,000 senior citizens were abandoned at hospitals nationwide from 2018 to 2022.

In 2021 alone, 752 senior citizens were abandoned at hospitals by their family members. In Malaysia, adult children are not legally bound to provide care and maintenance for their elderly parents. There are a myriad of reasons why an increasing number of adult children don’t or won’t take care of their frail parents.

These include:

• No extra room at home for their parents;

• No one is free to care for them at home;

• Their children come first, not their parents;

• They can’t afford to support their parents;

• Their parents are not easy to live with;

• Their parents had abused them

Looking at the situation from the adult children’s standpoint, there are genuine cases where the adult children themselves are caught in a financial bind, having to support their own children and care for their parents at the same time. Their financial situation forces them to choose. Invariably most couples in such situations would choose the young over the old.

Makes sense. One has a whole life ahead; the other has a limited time left. So, the elderly parent finds himself packed off to a welfare home. Says an operator of a care home, “We understand and empathise with the situation. But do visit them regularly so they don’t feel abandoned.

“What is not forgivable are adult children who are doing well financially, yet refuse to support or visit their parents. Eventually, when contact with the adult children is lost, there is no hope of a reconciliation.”

These adult children obviously do not have a close relationship with their parents. Possible reasons could include cases of child abuse, whether physical, emotional or sexual. We have read about such cases where parents abandon or abuse their young children. Years later, these children recall bitter memories of their abusive childhood. They now find it virtually impossible to forgive their parents and want to sever blood ties with them.

There are also cases where adult children refuse to continue supporting their parents who are addicted to drugs or to gambling and incur hefty debts for their children to take care of.

All these issues could potentially be resolved with the Maintenance of Parents Act, with a Tribunal to oversee the implementation and listen to every case brought to them.

The Tribunal would have legal powers to check the financial status of the adult son to see if he has the means to provide for his parent. If he has, the Tribunal can order him to pay for his parent’s monthly maintenance.

The Tribunal’s foremost role is to seek reconciliation for both parties, and to propose the best solution. The quantum of maintenance support will depend on what the adult children can afford taking into consideration their financial position and commitments. This is similar to the court granting alimony for child support in a divorce case.

So, why is there this hesitation in introducing the Maintenance of Parents Act? Not all cases brought before it guarantees a win for the parents.

In cases where the adult children can prove they were abused by their parent in their childhood, the Tribunal can dismiss the parent’s application for maintenance.

With an MPA, elderly parents who can no longer fend for themselves can have at least recourse to appeal to the Tribunal. Most parents would not want to be a burden to their children. They would rather eat less, make do with bare minimum than compel their children to care for them in their old age if the children are themselves struggling. Or if the financial support is grudgingly given.

It takes very little to make our parents feel loved and happy. A phone call to ask how they are doing, a small gift of their favourite snacks, spending quality time with them, a warm hug now and then – all these don’t cost much, but the joy they bring to our parents is priceless.

As parents ourselves, we need to ask ourselves whether we are good role models for our adult children. If our adult children and grandchildren seem lacking in respect for their elders, are we as much to blame? Have we pampered and mollycoddled them too much? Have we allowed them to get away with indiscipline and disrespect to their parents and grandparents? The home is the first place for learning, and parents are the children’s first teachers.

How we treat our elderly parents is how our children will treat us one day in our old age. They will learn from us.

What examples are we giving them? No matter how badly our parents may have treated us in the past, we can’t stand by and do nothing for them in their time of need. This is not a game of tit-for-tat or revenge. Their blood runs in our veins.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 30 July 2025. The online edition can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/08/02/is-it-time-for-malaysia-to-introduce-a-maintenance-of-parents-act)

RESOLVING FAMILY FEUDS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

Two months ago, I wrote about what constitutes a good death. It is knowing that everything has been taken care of, with friends and loved ones in the family gathered around the bedside for the final farewell.

But of late, I have attended funerals where the next-of-kin is not present. Reason? A long-standing family feud with both sides refusing to make amends.

When one side is willing to forgive and move on, but the other side remains adamant, the family conflict remains unresolved. It takes two to come together, to forgive and to move on.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. But it is arguably the most important and the most challenging to attain.

What presents as a loving family at festivals and celebrations may actually mask internal strife and disharmony. Family portraits often hide the family conflicts behind the smiles that we see.

At one’s final hours, it doesn’t matter who is wrong, who is right. Usually, it is the children who refuse to forgive.

“He was not a good father,” one adult son tells me. This is not the time to carry grudges. And certainly, for the elderly, they want to make peace before they die. As long as one side refuses to forgive, the bitterness will continue, and later turn into regret when the children realise it is too late to make amends.

This is often the main explanation for the rise in the number of abandoned elderly in hospitals, nursing homes and aged care centers. Nationwide, 2,144 cases of abandonment in hospitals were reported between 2018 and 2022. Hospital KL reported a 50% rise in cases of abandonment of elderly patients, with 358 such cases in 2023. Adult children never returned for their parents when they were discharged. These parents, with nowhere to go, ended up in welfare homes, or worse, on the streets.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. — Pexels

Safeguarding seniors

I spent three months interviewing and chatting with homeless elderly for a documentary. Their favourite gathering point in the city was at the square near Pasar Seni. There they would wait patiently for the distribution of free food packages by NGOs and civic society groups. The stories they shared were similar – they were abandoned by their children. They had lost contact with their family over the years.

Some said they were better off on the streets than with their children who had mistreated them.

Elder abuse is not only financial or physical. It also covers psychological abuse which is most hurtful and painful. Being belittled and scolded daily, and treated like a persona non grata at home is enough to drive an elderly parent to depression and suicidal tendencies, egged on by their children’s taunts of ‘better go and die quickly’.

This goes beyond lack of filial piety – it is cruel, and a violation of human rights. It’s hard to imagine elderly parents facing such inhumane treatment from their children. Family ties should never be broken. Physical distance should not be an excuse to stay away. With digital technology, families can continue to meet up via whatsapp, video calls or Zoom.

When contact is lost for whatever reason, an elderly parent living alone can pass away with no one knowing about it till days or weeks later. The Japanese call this Kodokushi or “lonely death”, with their bodies not discovered till long after. Such cases have been reported in the media.

Bitterness and revenge are like toxins. Harbouring such negative emotions for years will poison our body, our minds like a cancer. They deprive us of the joy of living and being part of a loving family.

We may not be able to forget what we see as an injustice done to us, but we can certainly learn to forgive. No action or incident is so unforgivable that would make a father disown his son, or vice versa. Here are some things elderly parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• Continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age

• Look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s, 80s and beyond.

• Protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.

• Have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times

• Seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal

• Know you are not alone in this. Join a support group.

• Be a responsible, caring parent so that your children have no reason to turn against you

Family relationships also include those between husband and wife, among siblings and with in-laws. A breakdown in spousal relationship can deteriorate to the point of a total loss of communication, with reconciliation almost impossible. When that happens, only two options remain – either a divorce or separation.

It can happen – two persons who had once loved each other and had children together now no longer share that bond. They now exhibit animosity towards each other. Yet they refuse to get a divorce to avoid legal hassles and scandal of a failed marriage or of a third party involved. They would rather spend years living under the same roof, keeping up false pretense with friends and relatives. They would rather suffer unhappiness at home than admit their marriage had failed. What a sheer waste of years spent living together in a loveless relationship.

Living in peace

Times have changed. Most women in an unhappy marriage have no qualms about seeking a divorce. The same for men too. Few among family and friends would raise an eyebrow to hear of a marriage gone bust, or of a family member getting married the second time around.

As for sibling disputes, these often arise out of rivalry, jealousy or issues over inheritance. When parents show clear favouritism for one child, it can cause resentment from the other children. This can widen into a gap that is hard to bridge in later years. Blood is not always thicker than water, and sibling rivalry can end in acrimonious law suits pitting sibling against sibling.

It’s the same with in-laws who cause friction between the two sides of the family. Marriages of couples from different ethnic, religious or social-economic background have a better chance of success if they have the blessings from both sides of the family. It is best for in-laws not to interfere or take sides when the couple has an argument, unless approached for advice or counsel.

No one can predict the future. Will we fall victim to elder abuse as we age? Not if we guard against this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children with love and inculcate in them respect for our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

We can learn to be slow to take offence, slow to judge others, slow to react without thinking. Words may hurt, actions may cause friction, but if we can adopt the Zen way of letting go anything that upsets us and learn to apologise if we are in the wrong, to forgive if we are wronged, we can live life at peace with ourselves and with everyone in the family. That certainly is worth aiming for, isn’t it?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star in 'Grey Matters' column on Wed 2 July 2025. It can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/07/02/resolving-family-feuds-before-it039s-too-late?