WHAT IS A GOOD DEATH?

Thoughts of death and dying have been on my mind of late. No, I am fine in case readers are concerned. It’s just that in the past two months I have been to five wakes and funeral services.

A record for me personally, but not unexpected, considering my age and the community I am actively involved in.

Most of us are in our 70s and 80s. While we aspire to enjoy many more active years ahead, not everyone will get to achieve this. Friends and family members will leave us one by one as time passes.

Death is also a part of life.

With Qing Ming just over, it is another reminder that life is transient. For those unfamiliar with this Chinese observance, Qing Ming is a time for Chinese families to make the annual visit to the burial grounds of their departed family members. It is a mark of filial piety for Chinese families to pay their respects to their ancestors, with prayers and offerings of food.

Family members also take the opportunity to spruce up the grave in the cemetery. With cremation becoming the preferred choice now, Qing Ming is also observed at the columbarium and temples.

The ultimate leveller

Death can knock on our door at anytime and anywhere. It can strike down the young and the old, the healthy and the infirmed, the rich and the poor. Death is the ultimate leveller.

It comes to the best among us, and to the worst among us. It happens in greater numbers among the elderly. Yet we know precious little about how best to prepare for death. Countless books have been written about how to live a happy life, but very few about how to have a happy death. Is there such a thing as the art of dying? Can it be taught or learned?

Has anyone been through the death experience and shared it with a loved one in a dream? How does one deal with one’s approaching death? Why is death nearly always associated with pain, fear, grief and loss? Isn’t it possible to depart with relief, joy and celebration? At last, for some. Too soon, for others.

So many questions but hardly any answers. For those already nearing the final chapter of their lives, it is good to reflect on this eventuality and be prepared for it. By this I mean, putting our affairs in order, like making sure we have made our will and arranged for the disposal of our earthly possessions.

We want to have a say in planning our wake and funeral service, like which of our photos to display at our wake, what music to play and where we want our final resting place to be. We should play a central role in this important decision making and not leave everything for our spouse or children to decide. And we should do this when we are still of sound mind.

Death is still considered a taboo subject, and few people feel comfortable discussing it. However, there is now a growing sense of acceptance. It makes sense to plan how we want to go while we are still around and still lucid enough to decide.

I have learnt more about death after taking up a course on “End of Life: Death and Dying” for my post-graduate studies in Applied Gerontology. In 2018, I attended a two-day “Death Festival” organised by a local funeral service provider. It opened my eyes to a more positive side of death. Understanding death takes away the fear and replaces it with quiet acceptance as something natural, and not to be feared. For some it may even be welcomed.

The ‘perfect’ goodbye

A dear friend’s mother had what I call “the perfect final goodbye”. Friends and family members from near and far had come together to celebrate the wedding of her grandson. At the wedding dinner she was a picture of joy, laughing and chatting with everyone, obviously delighted that all her loved ones were present and around her that night.

I remember saying good night to her as I passed her table on the way out, after the dinner. She was all smiles, and looking radiant. The next day she passed away peacefully in the afternoon while taking a rest. She was 87.

Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with a good death. I remember too seeing another auntie, one of my mother’s closest friends, groaning in pain as she struggled to breathe, her body ravaged by terminal cancer. It was a sight that remains etched in my mind.

At our age, many of us would probably have seen death up close in people we know and love. For those with terminal illness, death is a welcome release. We have seen the acute pain and intense discomfort they have to endure, hour after endless hour, week after torturous week.

They don’t have the strength to fight the illness, nor the will to live anymore. They just want to be left in peace to die. But not everyone in such a condition wants to let go. Nor does the family want to see their loved one go.

When there is no quality of life, who makes the final decision to pull the plug, that is, Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)? Such a decision should be made known to our family while we are still able to decide.

Life is precious. We want to hold on to life for as long as we can. But does being kept alive with machines and endless medication constitute life as we know it?

Here’s another decision some of us may want to consider. I recently attended a talk “Turn A Loss Into A Gift” by Prof Dr Saw Aik, Director of the “Silent Mentor” programme.

I had first heard about this programme in 2022, and had followed a live recording of the entire ceremony.

It affected me immensely on both the emotional and spiritual level, and brought tears to my eyes.

Briefly, Silent Mentor is a programme initiated by Universiti Malaya to promote body donation for medical education, research and training for medical students. The sending-off ceremony was very respectful and dignified, and heartwarming.

Our deceased body is the ultimate gift we can donate. It is not for everyone but for those willing and happy to contribute their body for teaching purposes. For the medical students it is an eye-opening and humbling experience to know that there are people capable of such a noble sacrifice.

God decides our final departure day, but it is within our hands to live well and leave well. Let us pray for a disease-free old age.

And when the time comes for us to go, to go quietly and peacefully, fading into the darkness of eternal sleep, with important decisions made, and everything taken care of.

That is a good death.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 9 April 2025. The online version can be accessed HERE.)

Are my retirement savings enough?

 

A 6.3% dividend for our EPF savings? It was definitely welcome news for every active contributor regardless of age. That’s the highest rate since 6.4% in 2017 and a significant jump from 5.4% last year.

But hold your horses before you start celebrating. The rise in price of essential goods and services, and the impending higher costs of medicine and hospital charges would likely even out any real gains in our retirement savings.

Let’s get down to some basics. How much do you spend a month on average? EPF’s latest Belanjawanku 2024-2025 guide recommends a monthly budget of RM 2,690 for a senior single and RM3,390 for a senior couple living in the Klang Valley where the cost of living is higher. Are your monthly expenses anywhere close to those figures? Perhaps you have no clue?

If you spend without keeping track of how much goes where, then it’s time to work out a simple budget for your monthly expenses. Allocate for these main items: Food, utilities, transportation, healthcare, personal care, social activities and miscellaneous.

One major item not in the list – loans and mortgage. Most retirees would have paid off their housing loan, and since they are no longer eligible for bank loans, they are free from that encumbrance too. Stay away from loans of any kind, and dubious money-lenders. You need to be debt-free in your retirement. Prudent money management is key to financial security for retirees.

Unfortunately, wisdom does not always equate with age for some retirees when it comes to money management. This is especially true for those who withdraw all their EPF savings in one lump sum upon reaching 55. They make plans for what they can do with the savings. Dreams can finally be fulfilled. Enough capital to start a small business or invest in quick-returns schemes and trips to exotic places. Some will go on a shopping spree for branded items and jewellery while others will indulge in classy watches or luxury cars.

The retirement years is not the time to keep up with appearances. These are the retirees who find themselves suddenly with so much money in their bank account they become reckless or foolish with their spending. Did you know that you can leave your savings in EPF till age 100? And you can arrange for monthly withdrawals?

Think carefully, spend wisely

There are retirees who subscribe to YOLO (You Only Live Once). They don’t want to miss out on the good things in life. They want to live life to the fullest. When they leave, they can say they have no regrets.

Their bucket list is no longer a wish list. “It’s my money and I can do what I want with it” is their response to well-meaning advice.

What about emergencies like an urgent surgery? “My children will take care of that”, they will say. Will they? Can they? Best not take for granted our children will care for us, support us in our old age.

They may not be financially independent. They may be pursuing post-graduate studies, or have housing loans, car loans and credit card debts to settle. Or young children to raise. Some may need funds to start a business. Who will they turn to for interest-free loans? Mommy and daddy, of course. It’s hard to say “No”. There goes a huge chunk of our hard-earned retirement savings.

At the other extreme are those who guard their savings like Uncle Scrooge, scrimping and getting by with the bare minimum even though they have accumulated a sizeable nest egg. They fear they may not have enough should a calamity befall them like an emergency health crisis that would gobble up almost their entire savings.

Most insurance policies provide coverage only till 75 years.

We lament government wastage of public funds but we are guilty of wasteful spending too. Buying more than we need and spending on things that do nothing to improve our health or wellbeing. Mindless shopping, that’s what it is. Instant gratification when we should know better at our age.

But of course, if you have plenty of money to spare, by all means indulge. Just pray you have enough set aside for emergencies that may swallow up almost all your life’s savings.

Even death is costly these days. Funeral packages can cost anything from RM20k!

There is no need to deprive ourselves of the simple things in life. Spend wisely and within our budget. Live a simple life. Indulge occasionally. Economise. Downsize. Less is more. When we spend less on wants, we have more to spend on needs.

One of the biggest concerns of retirees is having enough to cover medical emergencies. Many may not realise that this includes covering not only our own medical and healthcare expenses but also those of our elderly parents.

Planning for longevity

Longer life span means retirees in their 60s and 70s may still be taking care of their parents who are in their 80s and 90s! The longevity dividend is also the longevity deficit.

Just to give you an idea of high hospital charges, not that long ago I spent two weeks in a private hospital for some tests and observation. No surgeries. Nothing invasive except for a very minor procedure, but the bill was a shocker – almost RM30,000!

Another major item to set aside adequate savings for is retirement housing. A day will surely come when we will be alone, through personal choice to remain single, or through the loss of a spouse.

Much as we would prefer to age in place, that is in the comfort of our own home, it is not advisable to live alone in old age, regardless of whether you are still relatively fit and in good health. All it takes is just a fall or a stroke to render us helpless. We may have to seriously consider moving to an aged care facility or a senior retirement home. The fees charged can be anything from RM5000 to RM10,000 a month, depending on the level of care you require.

Will our retirement savings cover the above contingencies?

EPF has come out with the three-tier Retirement Income Adequacy (RIA) Framework set to launch in January 2026: Basic savings of RM390,000, covering essential retirement needs; adequate savings of RM650,000, providing a reasonable standard of living during retirement; and enhanced savings of RM1.3m, supporting greater financial security and independence for a higher quality of life.

We could use the above RIA as a guide. The current existing Basic savings is RM240,000 at age 55. Note the huge increase to keep pace with rising inflation and the current retirement age of 60 in Malaysia.

Saving early and making it a lifelong habit is key to having sufficient retirement funds to live on when you stop working after 60. If you are good at value investment or have a reliable financial advisor, you can make your money grow.

To the average worker, who contributes to EPF, nothing can beat seeing your savings grow exponentially through compound interest. Baby boomers who started contributing when they received their first salary would probably have adequate savings to live comfortably.

With longer life span, retirees need sufficient savings to tide them over the next 10-20 years upon retirement. Never too late to start developing healthy lifestyle habits to avoid non-communicable diseases that are common among older adults.

Long term care can swallow up all our savings. Let’s be responsible for our health rather than rely on the government or our children to take care of us. Be prudent in our spending and stay debt-free.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of the Star on 12 March 2025. The online edition can be accessed HERE.

VALENTINE'S DAY...IS LOVE ALL AROUND?

Everyday is Valentine’s Day for Mr and Mrs Jagjeet Singh, married for 61 years. — MRS J

It’s Valentine’s Day today. Brisk business for florists, restaurants and hotels as young couples out-do themselves to express their love for each other. From over-priced roses and chocolates to romantic candlelight dinners and the umpteenth honeymoon trip. Love is certainly in the air and all around.

However, for most long-time married couples, the day would likely be just another day. Husbands would think thrice about spending money on gifts for their wives. Wives would probably wish their spouse could be a bit more romantic. Asian husbands are known to be pragmatic, not romantic. To them, a simple satisfying meal at a seafood restaurant, or a movie outing should suffice. A bottle of Chanel No 5? A bouquet of red roses? A new watch? Nah! Wives can dream on.

After all, Valentine’s Day, like birthdays, comes every year. Makes more sense to celebrate silver or golden wedding anniversaries. They come around only once in decades. Such milestones deserve a grand celebration with family and friends. Not Valentine’s Day.

The changing face of love

When a couple has spent more than half a lifetime together, they know practically everything about each other. It’s almost like they can read each other’s mind, down to completing each other’s unfinished sentences. They are so comfortable with each other that they no longer see the need to delight or surprise with little romantic gestures on Valentine’s Day. To such couples, every day is Valentine’s Day, celebrated in a thousand and one simple ways like holding hands when crossing the road, taking turns to cook meals, sharing the household chores, looking after each other when one is sick.

For baby boomer couples now in their 70s, the giddiness of romance has long left their marriage, to be replaced by quiet acceptance or tolerance of each other. Years of familiarity breeds ease and comfort in each other’s company.

On the flip side, while many older couples remain together, there is no love lost between husband and wife, and it is plain for all to see. There is little or no communication, even less physical touch. It is like two strangers living under the same roof out of convenience. For these couples, the last spark of love has long died; the dying embers refuse to be reignited. Divorce is messy and expensive. The best option is to let things be as they have been for so many years. No point rocking the marital boat and plunging into deep waters. Just avoid getting into each other’s hair as far as possible. It all boils down to incompatibility. Perhaps they were not meant for each other in the first place. For them, Valentine’s Day holds no meaning or significance. It’s just another day to be struck off on the calendar.

Many single seniors are happy singles, especially those who went through an unhappy marriage and are divorced. They are living life free from marital woes and stress.

What about senior singles? Do they dread Valentine’s Day? Is it a reminder of their status quo? When they see their married friends happily celebrating with their spouse, do they feel envious? For the widowed, is it a day of loneliness and loss?

Take heart, senior singles. Unless you are married to someone wonderful, it’s better to remain single. Loving, caring husbands are a dying breed. So are loving, caring wives. And if the right one doesn’t show up within your peripheral vision or on your door-step, it’s not the end of the world. Indeed, some married women secretly envy their carefree single girl friends who go where they want, and with whom they like. They answer to no one. Today the single older woman is bold and uncompromising. They are not afraid to live life according to their own rules.

Seeking love out

For senior singles, they have a choice – to remain single, or be open to marriage. But where and how does one find a lifelong partner? Online dating sites? Social hangouts? Activity groups for seniors? Matchmaking agencies?

Back in the 1930s and 40s, arranged marriages were common. Social norms were strict especially for girls. They had little say in the choice of a life partner. Should they lose their husband, they were expected to remain widows for the rest of their lives.

Single parents - my mom and me, with my two little girls in cc 1973. 

This was the case with my mother. She never remarried, and remained a widow for 68 years till she passed away at age 94. It would be rare for a young widow these days to remain single and faithful to the memory of her dearly departed husband. We are all social beings. We need friends, we need companionship. Loneliness in our later years is a slippery road to depression, and that is something to avoid at all costs.

It takes a lot of hard work to nurture a relationship, a lot of give and take to reach that stage where one simply can’t live without the other. They complete each other. Each is the other half, and they fit perfectly together. Many young couples don’t have the patience to work at it. Gone are the days when wedding vows were taken seriously and couples remained married “till death do us part”. Second marriages were almost unheard of, as were divorces. Indeed, to ask for a divorce would be like asking to be ostracized socially.t

We are living in modern times. There is no social stigma attached to remaining single, divorced or separated. Idle tongues do not wag as much now at single older women and men going on dates to celebrate Valentine’s Day. It is liberating to know that society has become more accepting of divorcees and of second marriages. Gossip mongers will have little ammunition to hurt anyone. It is none of their business who their single senior friends go out with, or if the latter decide to get a divorce or marry again. I say this because there are older men and women who deprive themselves of a chance to be happy again in a new relationship, for fear of others talking about them behind their backs. Live life for yourself, not for others.

For longtime married couples that have lost that loving feeling, but do not want a divorce for whatever reasons, there is one solution that is gaining popularity in Japan. It is ‘Sotsukon’. It’s the perfect compromise for couples who still have some affection for each other, but want to have the freedom to pursue their own interests. The arrangement is akin to living together as housemates, with each partner enjoying independence and freedom to make new friends and enjoy a new lifestyle. Both parties may not want to go through a divorce especially if no third party is involved. For these couples Sotsukon makes sense - still together as a couple but living apart. This is not the same as being estranged. They remain friends and still care for each other as in a platonic relationship.

Such arrangement is already in common practice here among older seniors who have no desire to marry or remarry, but are fine with having a constant companion or partner.

Whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed, we should be celebrating love every day, in the little things we do, not necessarily in gifts for the people we love. Love doesn’t have to cost a cent. Love can be a genuine smile, a warm hug or an affectionate kiss. Or a good deed for someone we don’t know but who needs our help.

Spread a little love today, and every day. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on 12 Feb 2025. The online version can be acessed at this LINK.

DON'T GET LOST IN TECHNOLOGY

Instructors who conduct courses for seniors must bear in mind that older people learn differently from younger people. - LILY FU

Older seniors in their 70s and above are finding themselves lagging behind in a world that is increasingly becoming unfamiliar to them – the world of technology. Doing things the old way has almost been completely replaced with going online for transactions, services and communication.

The ubiquitous mobile phone has become our office, our link to family and friends, our instant access to knowledge, entertainment and more. We can’t leave home without our phones. We suffer panic, a near heart attack if we have misplaced our phone, or if it’s stolen.

It’s amazing how many apps we have on our mobile phones. There are apps for 1001 uses, from booking a ride to checking our EPF account. My daughter insisted that I installed a certain app that allows her to track my movements. For my safety, she tells me. She knew which places I visited when I was in Luang Prabang, Laos and what time I came safely home after a night out. It would be impossible to hide any secret rendezvous from her! The marvels of technology.

Most banks have stopped issuing savings account books. Account holders have no choice but to switch to online transactions. Parking has become cashless. For those taking public transport, you can only board if you have a RapidKL card or MyKad. Cash is not accepted. The reign of cash as king is in its final days, to be replaced by digital debit cards as ewallets.

Except for home deliveries and courier services, our email address is now more important than our domicile address. Our mobile phone number takes precedence over our landline phone number. How many of us still have a fixed phone line at home anyway?

No escape

Older adults learning to navigate online apps e.g. Waze, Google Drive on their mobile phone and desktop 

Whether we like it or not, want it or not, there is no escape from the technology around us. If we want to fit in, we have to adapt, to learn and to use what we have learned. Those who don’t will get left behind in the digital era.

Unfortunately, there are older adults who have a phobia about learning new skills. Once they reach 60, they think their brains have also reached retirement age. They feel they are too old to learn new skills.

I recall in the late 1990s when teachers were told they had to start using the computer to teach, some of my colleagues in the high school where I was teaching opted for early retirement! They didn’t want to be stressed out learning this new technology. Others took up the challenge and eventually were able to teach confidently using the computer and the projector instead of depending solely on the textbook and blackboard.

Goes to show older adults can learn new skills if they want to, if they have to.

Then there are those who think they have no need for such new learning. They can do without the internet. They don’t need to learn how to use apps. If they have to do any online transactions, they can always get their adult children to do so for them. Fine, to each his own. But just know that it is practically impossible to avoid the use of digital devices and technology. It’s not just apps but also kiosks. There are now kiosks that dispense hot meals and kiosks where we can renew our driving license, or pay our utility bills. Many restaurants are now using QR-code for food orders instead of the printed menu.

The dilemma is this: Who is there to help teach elderly Malaysians basic digital literacy? Who is there to guide them on how to install and use an e-hailing app, buy tickets online or use Waze? There is as yet no educational institute specifically set up for older adults where they can enroll for courses to be digitally empowered, to navigate apps with confidence and access social media platforms.

The closest we have to an institute dedicated to lifelong learning for older adults is University of the Third Age (U3A) Malaysia. It offers a wide range of online and onsite short courses, including computer skills and digital skills for Malaysians aged 50 and above. It is based at MyAgeing – the National Research Institute on Ageing at Universiti Putra Malaysia. It provides an avenue for older adults to pick up new skills without worrying about exams or tests. They learn because they want to, because they now have the time and opportunity to do so.

There is no such thing as being too old to learn something. When an opportunity to learn something new and useful is made available to us, we should seize it. Where there is a will, there is always a way. We have to adopt a positive attitude towards learning. We shouldn’t let the fear of failing or the lack of confidence be our excuse for not learning.

There are many examples of successful learning especially when there is strong motivation to do so. The need to remain in touch with family and friends is a powerful incentive. This is evident in how quickly older adults have embraced Whatsapp and Zoom, for example. Facebook is now dominated by older users, resulting in younger people migrating to Instagram and Tik Tok!

A different classroom

Trainer Osama demonstrating how to convert an image to pdf. It is important to take into account that older adults learn differently from young adults. 

Instructors who conduct courses for seniors must bear in mind that older people learn differently from younger people. Hence, they need to be familiar with “geragogy’” – the theory of how older people learn. For instance, instructors should teach at a slower pace, use bigger font size for text and show some respect for their “senior” students.

It is easy for older learners to forget how to use applications after a lapse of time. There is no point learning something and not applying or practicing it. How often have we heard older adults say they can’t remember their account password, how to check their email or download and install an app. Learn smart – it’s near impossible to learn everything, so be selective. Limit your learning to what is useful to you, so you won’t forget it.

The benefits of empowering older adults with digital tools are enormous. Aside from the convenience of carrying out tasks online and engaging socially online, seniors who run home-based businesses can make use of apps to promote their products or services and have the know-how to reach a wider market.

We are never too old to pick up new skills. All it takes is a change of mindset and attitude. The world is our oyster if we let it be. We may struggle with new learning, but if we are motivated enough, we can do it. Nothing beats motivation when it is something enforced or made compulsory.

With an empty nest at home and time on their hands, the retirement years offer a wonderful opportunity for retirees to acquire new knowledge and prevent the brain from getting rusty.

Learning new things helps us to grow old gracefully, keeps us alert and updated on the latest technologies. Group learning also promotes social interaction and makes our days more enjoyable and meaningful.

Use it, or lose it – that applies to our brains as well. If we continue to use our brain, we are exercising it, stimulating it to think, to analyse, to reason, to stay mentally sharp. Learning new things throughout our lifetime can help reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Our memory improves when we challenge it with learning new skills. Learning something new also boosts self-esteem. When we learn a new skill, we feel a sense of achievement and pride. When we add a new qualification to our name, we earn respect from others. More doors are open to us for employment.

So make this day the start of new learning. Embrace technology for it is here to stay.

(Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.)

The print version of the article can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/01/16/starsilver-dont-get-lost-in-technology/