Is it time for Malaysia to introduce a Maintenance of Parents Act?

 

My previous article on family feuds and the breakdown of family relationships drew strong reactions from people I know and those I don’t know, from across the generations. I had obviously touched on a sensitive nerve that few want to acknowledge or do something about: The parents-children relationship. The general response was along the lines of, “It’s not that easy to forgive”; “They have never treated me well”; “I am happy to disown him”.

Which leads me to asking, “Is filial piety dead?”, or has it evolved into what we see today – a different way of how adult children express care and concern for their ageing parents, not very different from how they shower their young children with gifts and trips? How do elderly parents want their children to love, honour and respect them?

In the traditional family unit where generations lived under one roof, there was always someone around to look after the little children, and care for the elderly members. But this structure is fast disappearing, resulting in a kind of family diaspora, with the adult children moving out to seek better career prospects in other places.

Elderly parents are left on their own in an empty nest. Eventually one spouse passes away, and that’s when the big question comes up. What to do with the surviving ageing parent?

The duty of adult children to care for their elderly parents is a core value in all religions. Filial piety extends beyond death with the practice of ancestral worship. Today both virtues are on the decline. The Chinese government had to step in with threats of public shame, fines and imprisonment for those found guilty of neglecting their elderly parents. Isn’t there a better way than threats of punishment?

It’s no different across Asia. In India, the government passed the Senior Citizen Act, 2007, as an answer to the insecurities faced by older persons in the country. This law accords prime responsibility for the maintenance of parents on their children, grandchildren and even relatives.

In Singapore, the Maintenance of Parents Act (MPA) was introduced in 1995, making it a legal obligation for children to support their parents. Initially the Tribunal for MPA received hundreds of cases each year. After several amendments were introduced, the average of 170 cases between 2008 and 2010 fell to an average of about 30 cases in recent years.

This is a good sign that the MPA is effective as a deterrent to abandoning one’s elderly parents. Which begs the question – why is our government so hesitant about introducing a similar MPA? We cannot ignore the rising number of elderly parents ending up in old folks’ homes and shelters funded the government or by the community. More than 2,000 senior citizens were abandoned at hospitals nationwide from 2018 to 2022.

In 2021 alone, 752 senior citizens were abandoned at hospitals by their family members. In Malaysia, adult children are not legally bound to provide care and maintenance for their elderly parents. There are a myriad of reasons why an increasing number of adult children don’t or won’t take care of their frail parents.

These include:

• No extra room at home for their parents;

• No one is free to care for them at home;

• Their children come first, not their parents;

• They can’t afford to support their parents;

• Their parents are not easy to live with;

• Their parents had abused them

Looking at the situation from the adult children’s standpoint, there are genuine cases where the adult children themselves are caught in a financial bind, having to support their own children and care for their parents at the same time. Their financial situation forces them to choose. Invariably most couples in such situations would choose the young over the old.

Makes sense. One has a whole life ahead; the other has a limited time left. So, the elderly parent finds himself packed off to a welfare home. Says an operator of a care home, “We understand and empathise with the situation. But do visit them regularly so they don’t feel abandoned.

“What is not forgivable are adult children who are doing well financially, yet refuse to support or visit their parents. Eventually, when contact with the adult children is lost, there is no hope of a reconciliation.”

These adult children obviously do not have a close relationship with their parents. Possible reasons could include cases of child abuse, whether physical, emotional or sexual. We have read about such cases where parents abandon or abuse their young children. Years later, these children recall bitter memories of their abusive childhood. They now find it virtually impossible to forgive their parents and want to sever blood ties with them.

There are also cases where adult children refuse to continue supporting their parents who are addicted to drugs or to gambling and incur hefty debts for their children to take care of.

All these issues could potentially be resolved with the Maintenance of Parents Act, with a Tribunal to oversee the implementation and listen to every case brought to them.

The Tribunal would have legal powers to check the financial status of the adult son to see if he has the means to provide for his parent. If he has, the Tribunal can order him to pay for his parent’s monthly maintenance.

The Tribunal’s foremost role is to seek reconciliation for both parties, and to propose the best solution. The quantum of maintenance support will depend on what the adult children can afford taking into consideration their financial position and commitments. This is similar to the court granting alimony for child support in a divorce case.

So, why is there this hesitation in introducing the Maintenance of Parents Act? Not all cases brought before it guarantees a win for the parents.

In cases where the adult children can prove they were abused by their parent in their childhood, the Tribunal can dismiss the parent’s application for maintenance.

With an MPA, elderly parents who can no longer fend for themselves can have at least recourse to appeal to the Tribunal. Most parents would not want to be a burden to their children. They would rather eat less, make do with bare minimum than compel their children to care for them in their old age if the children are themselves struggling. Or if the financial support is grudgingly given.

It takes very little to make our parents feel loved and happy. A phone call to ask how they are doing, a small gift of their favourite snacks, spending quality time with them, a warm hug now and then – all these don’t cost much, but the joy they bring to our parents is priceless.

As parents ourselves, we need to ask ourselves whether we are good role models for our adult children. If our adult children and grandchildren seem lacking in respect for their elders, are we as much to blame? Have we pampered and mollycoddled them too much? Have we allowed them to get away with indiscipline and disrespect to their parents and grandparents? The home is the first place for learning, and parents are the children’s first teachers.

How we treat our elderly parents is how our children will treat us one day in our old age. They will learn from us.

What examples are we giving them? No matter how badly our parents may have treated us in the past, we can’t stand by and do nothing for them in their time of need. This is not a game of tit-for-tat or revenge. Their blood runs in our veins.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

(The above article was first published in the Star on Wed 30 July 2025. The online edition can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/08/02/is-it-time-for-malaysia-to-introduce-a-maintenance-of-parents-act)

RESOLVING FAMILY FEUDS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

Two months ago, I wrote about what constitutes a good death. It is knowing that everything has been taken care of, with friends and loved ones in the family gathered around the bedside for the final farewell.

But of late, I have attended funerals where the next-of-kin is not present. Reason? A long-standing family feud with both sides refusing to make amends.

When one side is willing to forgive and move on, but the other side remains adamant, the family conflict remains unresolved. It takes two to come together, to forgive and to move on.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. But it is arguably the most important and the most challenging to attain.

What presents as a loving family at festivals and celebrations may actually mask internal strife and disharmony. Family portraits often hide the family conflicts behind the smiles that we see.

At one’s final hours, it doesn’t matter who is wrong, who is right. Usually, it is the children who refuse to forgive.

“He was not a good father,” one adult son tells me. This is not the time to carry grudges. And certainly, for the elderly, they want to make peace before they die. As long as one side refuses to forgive, the bitterness will continue, and later turn into regret when the children realise it is too late to make amends.

This is often the main explanation for the rise in the number of abandoned elderly in hospitals, nursing homes and aged care centers. Nationwide, 2,144 cases of abandonment in hospitals were reported between 2018 and 2022. Hospital KL reported a 50% rise in cases of abandonment of elderly patients, with 358 such cases in 2023. Adult children never returned for their parents when they were discharged. These parents, with nowhere to go, ended up in welfare homes, or worse, on the streets.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. — Pexels

Safeguarding seniors

I spent three months interviewing and chatting with homeless elderly for a documentary. Their favourite gathering point in the city was at the square near Pasar Seni. There they would wait patiently for the distribution of free food packages by NGOs and civic society groups. The stories they shared were similar – they were abandoned by their children. They had lost contact with their family over the years.

Some said they were better off on the streets than with their children who had mistreated them.

Elder abuse is not only financial or physical. It also covers psychological abuse which is most hurtful and painful. Being belittled and scolded daily, and treated like a persona non grata at home is enough to drive an elderly parent to depression and suicidal tendencies, egged on by their children’s taunts of ‘better go and die quickly’.

This goes beyond lack of filial piety – it is cruel, and a violation of human rights. It’s hard to imagine elderly parents facing such inhumane treatment from their children. Family ties should never be broken. Physical distance should not be an excuse to stay away. With digital technology, families can continue to meet up via whatsapp, video calls or Zoom.

When contact is lost for whatever reason, an elderly parent living alone can pass away with no one knowing about it till days or weeks later. The Japanese call this Kodokushi or “lonely death”, with their bodies not discovered till long after. Such cases have been reported in the media.

Bitterness and revenge are like toxins. Harbouring such negative emotions for years will poison our body, our minds like a cancer. They deprive us of the joy of living and being part of a loving family.

We may not be able to forget what we see as an injustice done to us, but we can certainly learn to forgive. No action or incident is so unforgivable that would make a father disown his son, or vice versa. Here are some things elderly parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• Continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age

• Look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s, 80s and beyond.

• Protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.

• Have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times

• Seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal

• Know you are not alone in this. Join a support group.

• Be a responsible, caring parent so that your children have no reason to turn against you

Family relationships also include those between husband and wife, among siblings and with in-laws. A breakdown in spousal relationship can deteriorate to the point of a total loss of communication, with reconciliation almost impossible. When that happens, only two options remain – either a divorce or separation.

It can happen – two persons who had once loved each other and had children together now no longer share that bond. They now exhibit animosity towards each other. Yet they refuse to get a divorce to avoid legal hassles and scandal of a failed marriage or of a third party involved. They would rather spend years living under the same roof, keeping up false pretense with friends and relatives. They would rather suffer unhappiness at home than admit their marriage had failed. What a sheer waste of years spent living together in a loveless relationship.

Living in peace

Times have changed. Most women in an unhappy marriage have no qualms about seeking a divorce. The same for men too. Few among family and friends would raise an eyebrow to hear of a marriage gone bust, or of a family member getting married the second time around.

As for sibling disputes, these often arise out of rivalry, jealousy or issues over inheritance. When parents show clear favouritism for one child, it can cause resentment from the other children. This can widen into a gap that is hard to bridge in later years. Blood is not always thicker than water, and sibling rivalry can end in acrimonious law suits pitting sibling against sibling.

It’s the same with in-laws who cause friction between the two sides of the family. Marriages of couples from different ethnic, religious or social-economic background have a better chance of success if they have the blessings from both sides of the family. It is best for in-laws not to interfere or take sides when the couple has an argument, unless approached for advice or counsel.

No one can predict the future. Will we fall victim to elder abuse as we age? Not if we guard against this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children with love and inculcate in them respect for our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

We can learn to be slow to take offence, slow to judge others, slow to react without thinking. Words may hurt, actions may cause friction, but if we can adopt the Zen way of letting go anything that upsets us and learn to apologise if we are in the wrong, to forgive if we are wronged, we can live life at peace with ourselves and with everyone in the family. That certainly is worth aiming for, isn’t it?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star in 'Grey Matters' column on Wed 2 July 2025. It can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/07/02/resolving-family-feuds-before-it039s-too-late?