RESOLVING FAMILY FEUDS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

Two months ago, I wrote about what constitutes a good death. It is knowing that everything has been taken care of, with friends and loved ones in the family gathered around the bedside for the final farewell.

But of late, I have attended funerals where the next-of-kin is not present. Reason? A long-standing family feud with both sides refusing to make amends.

When one side is willing to forgive and move on, but the other side remains adamant, the family conflict remains unresolved. It takes two to come together, to forgive and to move on.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. But it is arguably the most important and the most challenging to attain.

What presents as a loving family at festivals and celebrations may actually mask internal strife and disharmony. Family portraits often hide the family conflicts behind the smiles that we see.

At one’s final hours, it doesn’t matter who is wrong, who is right. Usually, it is the children who refuse to forgive.

“He was not a good father,” one adult son tells me. This is not the time to carry grudges. And certainly, for the elderly, they want to make peace before they die. As long as one side refuses to forgive, the bitterness will continue, and later turn into regret when the children realise it is too late to make amends.

This is often the main explanation for the rise in the number of abandoned elderly in hospitals, nursing homes and aged care centers. Nationwide, 2,144 cases of abandonment in hospitals were reported between 2018 and 2022. Hospital KL reported a 50% rise in cases of abandonment of elderly patients, with 358 such cases in 2023. Adult children never returned for their parents when they were discharged. These parents, with nowhere to go, ended up in welfare homes, or worse, on the streets.

While much has been said about the importance of good health and financial security in ageing, there is less mention about ensuring a harmonious family relationship to age well. — Pexels

Safeguarding seniors

I spent three months interviewing and chatting with homeless elderly for a documentary. Their favourite gathering point in the city was at the square near Pasar Seni. There they would wait patiently for the distribution of free food packages by NGOs and civic society groups. The stories they shared were similar – they were abandoned by their children. They had lost contact with their family over the years.

Some said they were better off on the streets than with their children who had mistreated them.

Elder abuse is not only financial or physical. It also covers psychological abuse which is most hurtful and painful. Being belittled and scolded daily, and treated like a persona non grata at home is enough to drive an elderly parent to depression and suicidal tendencies, egged on by their children’s taunts of ‘better go and die quickly’.

This goes beyond lack of filial piety – it is cruel, and a violation of human rights. It’s hard to imagine elderly parents facing such inhumane treatment from their children. Family ties should never be broken. Physical distance should not be an excuse to stay away. With digital technology, families can continue to meet up via whatsapp, video calls or Zoom.

When contact is lost for whatever reason, an elderly parent living alone can pass away with no one knowing about it till days or weeks later. The Japanese call this Kodokushi or “lonely death”, with their bodies not discovered till long after. Such cases have been reported in the media.

Bitterness and revenge are like toxins. Harbouring such negative emotions for years will poison our body, our minds like a cancer. They deprive us of the joy of living and being part of a loving family.

We may not be able to forget what we see as an injustice done to us, but we can certainly learn to forgive. No action or incident is so unforgivable that would make a father disown his son, or vice versa. Here are some things elderly parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• Continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age

• Look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s, 80s and beyond.

• Protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.

• Have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times

• Seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal

• Know you are not alone in this. Join a support group.

• Be a responsible, caring parent so that your children have no reason to turn against you

Family relationships also include those between husband and wife, among siblings and with in-laws. A breakdown in spousal relationship can deteriorate to the point of a total loss of communication, with reconciliation almost impossible. When that happens, only two options remain – either a divorce or separation.

It can happen – two persons who had once loved each other and had children together now no longer share that bond. They now exhibit animosity towards each other. Yet they refuse to get a divorce to avoid legal hassles and scandal of a failed marriage or of a third party involved. They would rather spend years living under the same roof, keeping up false pretense with friends and relatives. They would rather suffer unhappiness at home than admit their marriage had failed. What a sheer waste of years spent living together in a loveless relationship.

Living in peace

Times have changed. Most women in an unhappy marriage have no qualms about seeking a divorce. The same for men too. Few among family and friends would raise an eyebrow to hear of a marriage gone bust, or of a family member getting married the second time around.

As for sibling disputes, these often arise out of rivalry, jealousy or issues over inheritance. When parents show clear favouritism for one child, it can cause resentment from the other children. This can widen into a gap that is hard to bridge in later years. Blood is not always thicker than water, and sibling rivalry can end in acrimonious law suits pitting sibling against sibling.

It’s the same with in-laws who cause friction between the two sides of the family. Marriages of couples from different ethnic, religious or social-economic background have a better chance of success if they have the blessings from both sides of the family. It is best for in-laws not to interfere or take sides when the couple has an argument, unless approached for advice or counsel.

No one can predict the future. Will we fall victim to elder abuse as we age? Not if we guard against this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children with love and inculcate in them respect for our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

We can learn to be slow to take offence, slow to judge others, slow to react without thinking. Words may hurt, actions may cause friction, but if we can adopt the Zen way of letting go anything that upsets us and learn to apologise if we are in the wrong, to forgive if we are wronged, we can live life at peace with ourselves and with everyone in the family. That certainly is worth aiming for, isn’t it?

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star in 'Grey Matters' column on Wed 2 July 2025. It can be accessed at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2025/07/02/resolving-family-feuds-before-it039s-too-late?