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| There is little point in harping on things that can’t be changed. Seniors should learn to accept whatever unfortunate circumstances they are dealt with and make the best of the situation. — Magnific |
Ask young people in their 20s what they think of old people. You can bet they will come up with a long list of adjectives, mostly negative.
“Cranky, senile, grouchy, grumpy, loud, naggy, long-winded, stubborn, bossy, irritating, preachy, argumentative ...” – you get the picture. Of course, not all old people are painted this way. But this is generally how old people are perceived by the young. It depends very much on the elderly people they come into contact with or see in public places.
I have to say I do agree with them to some extent. By virtue of my community work, I meet elderly people every day at senior group activities, on public transport and at the aged care homes I visit.
How did old people get to be so cantankerous? Why do old people always complain? Why do they always insist they are right, that everyone, especially the young, should listen to them? They love to remind the young they have been there, done that, seen that. Bragging. How did they become such poor company to be with? I have asked myself the same questions too. Am I like that? At least sometimes?
We will all grow old one day, perhaps we should try to understand why old people are the way they are. Maybe we can learn what not to do, what not to be when our time comes. We can learn to age gracefully with dignity, and be loved and respected by all.
Empathy first
Let’s start by putting ourselves in the shoes of an 80-year-old man. He has limited funds and no source of steady income, so he complains about soaring prices. He recalls the old days when a cup of kopitiam coffee cost only 40sen. Now it’s RM3.60 or more at the mamak stall. More if he has a cup at a café.
There was a time when he could travel and enjoy an active social life. These days he is mostly at home alone, unable to venture out because he no longer drives and there’s no one free to take him out. His perennially busy adult children have little time for him.
Once upon a time he lived to eat. Now he eats to live. His diet is restricted to low-fat, no sugar and bland soft foods. No more of his favourite hawker food, no more culinary indulgences, all because he has a host of health problems to deal with that doesn’t allow him to eat whatever he fancies. Dental issues further limit his enjoyment of food. He shuffles in pain with every step he takes because of his weak knees and osteoporosis.
His hobbies no longer interest him. He has given up reading because of poor vision. He has little interest in watching TV as the programmes don’t appeal to him. His hearing is no longer what it used to be. He can’t explore the rich diversity of information on the Internet as he is computer-illiterate. He refuses to learn as he feels he is past the age of learning. He considers any new learning as useless to him at his age. Thus, he remains unteachable.
As a young man, he was blessed with good health and vitality. Now the passage of time has reduced him to a frail shadow of his former self, with all the accompanying aches and pain of old age. Few friends drop by to see him, as they are in the same boat as he is. He sits in his arm-chair or lies in bed the whole day long with only his memories of the good old days to keep him company.
It is no wonder such old people are bitter and grouchy. They have all the time in the world to gripe about everything under the sun, from high prices to corruption among politicians and uncaring children.
What a horrible way to grow old! We can’t stop growing old, but we can certainly choose how we want to grow old.
Choose wisely
We can choose to grow old complaining about things from A to Z. Or we can choose to focus our attention on the things that make us happy, like our grandchildren, like being able to look back at happy times with nostalgia, and not compare them with the present.
There is little point in harping on things that can’t be changed. We should learn to accept whatever unfortunate circumstances we are dealt with and make the best of the situation. Let’s embrace our twilight years with joie de vivre (the joy of living) and fill each day with love and gratitude, not bitterness or regret.
If we want our children and grandchildren to spend time with us, if we want friends to visit or invite us out, then we should ensure we are good company to be with. If we are always feeling sorry for ourselves, always complaining and comparing now and then, we become boring company that others want to avoid.
Let’s keep our personal stories to ourselves. Not everyone is keen to know about the highs and lows of our lives. Old people just love to go on and on, ignoring the look of boredom and feigned interest in their listeners.
What a horrible way to grow old!
It is the same with old women too. They still complain but much less than their husband. The big difference is they have many things to keep them busy like helping with the grandchildren, doing community work or taking up some short courses. They are too busy to waste time on wallowing in self-pity and regret.
Which begs the question – why do some men and women age better than others? What do they do that is different?
The answer lies in their attitude to life, to old age, how they deal with the downside of old age. They continue to take care of their health, physically and mentally. They think positive. They bring up the past only if it’s relevant and asked for. They don’t waste time on regrets and wishful thinking on what could have been. They face ageing with positivity. They are passionate about life, about the purpose of their being, about what and how they can contribute towards making their family and community happy.
Living with purpose
When we have a purpose or goal in our lives, it becomes the driving force for us to want to age well so that we can achieve it. That goal doesn’t have to be big. Size is immaterial. Dedication is what matters. That goal could be as simple as working to be a better grandparent, a better neighbour, a better friend. When we make others happy, we are making ourselves happy too.
It’s also about making an early start to being active, and maintaining it through the years. A daily regime of exercise strengthens our immune system and protects our body against frailty. That elusive fountain of youth is actually right within every one of us. But we need to work at it, take better care of ourselves in mind, body and spirit. When we enjoy good health, a happy family life and close friendships, we have nothing much to complain about. Life is good because we have worked to ensure that it is so. Laying the foundation early in our working life will result in a stress-free contented retirement. We become pleasant company to be with, for the young and not-so-young. That is how it should be, to grow old gracefully and with dignity.
Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.
(The above article was first published in The Star on Wed 3 June 2926.)
