A DAILY STRUGGLE FOR THE CITY'S DESTITUTE ELDERLY

Hard times are here, and they get harder by the day. Jobs are scarce and money is even scarcer. For the elderly with no family and no financial support, it is a daily struggle to stay alive. Some have lost their contract jobs due to months of business shutdown. They are desperate to look for any kind of work but who would want to hire a senior citizen even if he was fit and capable?

Since 10 June when restrictions on movement were lifted under the RMCO, I have been spending time with the homeless and destitute elderly in downtown areas like Pasar Seni, Bukit Bintang-Imbi, and Pudu. Their numbers are increasing each day and the queues for handouts keep getting longer.

Is it possible for an elderly to live without a roof over their heads and without a dime in their pockets? Yes, and this is how they do it. Not that they want to, but many have no choice due to various circumstances beyond their control. For some, their plight is of their own making.

Some have families but shame stops them from returning to their homes. Others choose the streets over welfare shelters as they want to retain their freedom and independence.

The street elderly are mostly men. It is not safe for women to be out on the streets at night. So they share rooms in the nearby budget hotels and shophouses. With their meagre savings fast dwindling, they are aware they may have to move into welfare homes soon. Some have family homes to return to but they prefer to stay out the whole day returning just to sleep. They do not want to be an additional burden to their adult children who have their own financial commitments to take care of.

Take a walk in the downtown inner city areas any time of day. You will see the homeless sleeping at bus-stops or on cardboard pieces spread out along the five-foot ways of shuttered shops. Some have set up home under flyovers or overhead bridges. Some beg for alms, others search the trash bins for recyclables they can sell for a pittance.

Those who have been on the streets long enough know where to go for free breakfast, lunch and dinner. On weekdays Kechara Soup Kitchen (KSK) gives out vegetarian meals and bottles of drinking water. Samaritans like Ee Lynn and her friends have pooled their money to provide 100 food packages for their weekly food distribution downtown. There are other groups providing sustenance too. Food is not so much a problem as money.

Inset: vegetarian rice with taufu. Food donated by Ee Lynn and friends.

The hungry are grateful for these free meals and handouts which often include face masks, medicated oil and panadol. They eat sitting on the pavement, next to piles of stinky uncleared garbage with flies hovering around. At night the mosquitoes take over.

While some have marked out their territorial space along the pavements with their belongings, others are more itinerant, dragging their trolley bag of clothes and essentials from place to place. There is safety in numbers so it is common to find them congregating in groups. The solitary homeless elderly is rare.

Taking daily baths is a luxury. They wash their clothes with pails of water sourced from restaurants nearby, and leave their laundry to dry on bushes or makeshift lines. The street corners and back lanes are their urinals. Hence the overwhelming stench of pee that assails the nostrils.

Many community kitchens and NGOs providing free meals before Covid-19 have remained closed. When I heard that Kechara Soup Kitchen (KSK) was open for food takeaway, I dropped by on 15 July with my daughter Belle and my grandson to see how we could help. Ryder, 6, was so touched by what he saw that when he went home, he took out some money from his piggy bank and returned a few days later to give his 'ang-pow' to a 78-year old aunty who collects recyclables to sell. She earns less than Rm3 a day.

I had kept in touch with Justin Cheah, KSK program director, since my first Saturday night food distribution with KSK in 2010. I had written about it in my blog article (The kitchen that feeds all who come). Our chat that morning led to one thing and another, and concluded with SeniorsAloud stepping in to sponsor 436 food packages for the upcoming Saturday night food distribution.

Photo credit: Vivian/KSK

On Saturday, 1 August, a total of 41 volunteers, including myself, Belle and her friends Marie-Anne and Michelle, turned up at KSK at 8.30pm for a briefing before setting out with the boxes of food. The packing had been done earlier that afternoon at 3pm. Each food package consisted of vegetarian rice, sandwich, biscuits, banana and drinking water.

We were divided into groups, each with a group leader. There were seven areas in total: Pudu Market, Chow Kit, Anjung Singgah, Sentul, Brickfields, Petaling Street and Dang Wangi. These were areas where we would find homeless elderly. Our group led by Justin was given Pudu Market. All very well organised, I must say.

The night scene was quite different from the daytime one. The elderly we met seemed tougher and more acclimatised to rugged living. Some were happy to chat and share their stories, others were more reticent. Some were asleep so we quietly left the food beside them. We finished distributing all the packages by midnight.

I have been visiting the elderly downtown several times a week now. I know many of them by name and they are always eager to chat. A sign of boredom? Perhaps. They have nothing to do the whole day.

This is what I have learned about them:

• The street elderly are very resilient and stoic. They have learned to accept and live with the vagaries of life. 
• They have developed a strong immune system built over years of tough living on the streets.
• Some of these street elderly are abandoned by their families. Many are single and have lost touch with their siblings.
• They have a sense of pride. They want to work and support themselves. They do not want to depend on handouts.

Recommendations:

• Introduce legislation that supports filial piety, similar to the Maintenance of Parents Act in India, China and Singapore.
• Set up more old folks homes and welfare shelters for the elderly and ensure they are properly and efficiently managed.
• Have better coordination of food donation and distribution services to prevent wastage.
• Establish a skills-based training centre for older people to enable them to be self-supporting.
• Remove ageism in employment. Older people in their 50s and 60s are still capable of contributing to the economy.
• Introduce programmes and activities that strengthen family bonding and intergenerational understanding.
• Promote an active lifestyle so that every citizen will age well. Our health and well-being is our responsibility. Start early. Start young.

(Note: Unless otherwise acknowledged, all photos are the property of SeniorsAloud. Permission is required to use any of the photos featured here.)

IS QING MING A DYING TRADITION?

I grew up barely knowing my father. I only saw him during weekends. But every year when Qing Ming comes around, I am reminded of him. I was nine when he passed away. For many years after his demise, I dutifully joined the family to pay our respects at his graveside during Qing Ming. But when I left to further my studies, and especially after I moved to KL in 1971, those annual visits became fewer and fewer, and eventually they ceased altogether. (Photo source: Straits Times)

My father's grave is still there in the Chinese cemetary outside the small town of Bakri on the outskirts of Muar. It is marked by a tombstone with his portrait and name in Chinese characters on it. My brother Henry and his wife have faithfully continued with the visits during Qing Ming, and I plan to join them on their next visit. My other siblings have converted to Christianity and they prefer to remember Father in their own way.

This year Qing Ming falls on 5 April. Thousands of Chinese Malaysians and Singaporeans who practise ancestral worship will observe this day by making the annual visit to the burial grounds of their dearly-departed kin. It is a mark of filial piety to pay their respects to their ancestors with prayers and offerings of food. Family members also take the opportunity to spruce up the burial area. This explains why Qing Ming is also referred to as "Tombsweeping Day".

Perhaps most fascinating of the Qing Ming rituals is the burning of papier mache offerings. Over the years, these paper mache offerings have changed in keeping with the trends. I recall decades ago witnessing the burning of this huge paper replica of a mansion. The patriach of a family supermarket in my neighbourhood had passed away at a ripe old age. His children wanted to make sure their father would live in luxury in his after life.

A papier mache mansion all ready to be burnt as an offering to the deceased.

At the time as I was watching the 'mansion' make its way up in smoke to the other world, I thought about my father. He was in his late 30s when he passed away in 1957. I remember my grandma made sure we burnt offerings of paper money - lots of it, in silver and gold, also replicas of his favorite clothes, food and his reading glasses. She wanted to make sure my dad would be comfortable and would always have money to spend in the other world. He was her only son.

Today, being well-provided for takes on a new definition. It is no longer about sending necessities to the beloved deceased. The trend now is to go for paper replicas of luxury items like an iPad, LV bags, jade and gold jewelry, a BMW, and even a yacht! Apparently the rituals at some burial sites have taken on a modern flavour, with dancing girls as shown in the image below forwarded by a friend.

I was in Chinatown, Petaling Street a few weeks ago hoping to find that little shop which used to make paper offerings for Qing Ming. It was no longer there. In fact, it had closed down many years ago. Not surprising. Making paper offerings for the departed is a dying craft, literally.

With the younger generation losing interest in the old ways, Chinese traditions and customs will soon disappear into the history books. There might come a day when Qing Ming will no longer be observed if Chinese parents of today do not pass it down to their children.

In land scarce Singapore, for example, land has become such a premium that the government has taken back cemetary land for redevelopment. Graves have been exhumed and the affected families notified well in advance. Today only the Choa Chu Kang cemetary is left. Columbariums will soon meet a similar fate as more families opt for the ashes of their dearly beloved to be scattered at sea or in flower beds as in green burials. Graveyards as we know them will be a thing of the past.

Whether that is a sad thing or not is debatable, I suppose. The dead must give way to the living, and the living find new ways to remember the dead, as in converting ashes to wearables e.g. rings, pendants or decorative items. Life must go on. But the memory of loved ones who have left us will remain in our hearts.

IS FILIAL PIETY NO LONGER VALUED AND TAUGHT?

The Chinese character is made up of the
characters for 'old' and 'children'.

After writing about amazing super seniors in the previous blog post, it is depressing to have to highlight the plight of seniors who are frail and decrepit, and left to live in squalor and neglect.

This picture (see below) on the front page of yesterday's The Star paper is a strong reminder of our filial responsibility. Fortunately, the sad story ended on a happy note when the five abandoned senior citizens were taken to the hospital and given food, medical treatment and counselling. An old folks home has offered to take them in.

This is not an isolated case. I have visited old folks home where many of the residents have been left there to await their final days. One such home is the Tong Sim Old Folks Home in Old Airport Road. It is a pathetic scene that greets visitors. The more able seniors care for those less able as there is no paid staff to look after them, only volunteers.

Front page of The Star, 13 Jan 2013. Click here to read the article.

A day later - good news for the abandoned senior citizens. Click here to read more.

The 2010 population census shows that Malaysia has 2.3 million senior citizens aged 60 and above. Of this number, about 675,000 or nearly 30% have been abandoned by their children and are now living in welfare homes or left in hospitals. With this demographics (those aged 60 and above) projected to reach 4.9 million or 15% of the population in 2030, we certainly won't be hearing the last of such tragic stories.

From The Star, 14 Jan 2014. Click here to read the original article.

For several years now, there has been debate over whether to introduce a Maintenance of Parents Act similar to the Act that has already been enforced with some success in several countries including Singapore. Each time the proposal comes up, it is shot down by advocacy groups as 'not the way forward'.

What is the way forward then? As it is, it is shameful for adult children to have to be reminded of their filial duty. Their parents looked after them when they were children, now it is their turn to look after their parents. That is the circle of life, and has always been since time immemorial.

Abandoning parents in their old age because they have not been 'good' parents sounds like a vengeful tit-for-tat, and speaks volumes about the kind of individuals these adult children are. If they cannot forgive their parents for whatever wrongdoings their parents may have committed, they will ultimately be consumed by this bitterness that will fester in them like a cancer.

Capital fm 88.9's Joanna Kam interviews Lily Fu of Seniorsaloud and Chai Sen Tyng of the Institute of Gerontology, UPM for their views on the Maintenance of Parents Act. (July 2013). Click here for what Lily shared. 

With the number of abandoned parents continuing to rise, it is clear that we urgently need a Maintenance of Parents Act to protect those who are left alone to fend for themselves in their old age.
At the same time, young parents can learn from these sad cases the importance of bonding with their children, and inculcating in them the right values. They themselves should also set the right example for their children to emulate. Otherwise, they might just end up being abandoned by their children one fine day.

On a personal note, my 87-year old mother is in a special home for the elderly who have dementia. You can read more about the home here. When I first registered her, I had to sign a contract. One of the many clauses was the pledge to visit her regularly. I was also required to provide the contact details of another family member. I am not sure if this is standard procedure and implemented in all homes for the elderly. If it is not, then it should be to safe-guard parents against neglect or abandonment by their children.

Something for us to act on and share in these images below.

An edited copy of this blog article was published in The Star on 16 January, 2014

WHEN ADULT CHILDREN ABUSE AND EXPLOIT THEIR PARENTS

Headlines like the one above makes one wonder how children are brought up these days. Are they taught the right values at home and in school? Are their parents leading by good example?

In many countries parent or elder abuse is on the rise. In Singapore, the number of reported cases of abusive adult children has gone up from 160 to 240 a year over the past three years. One can assume hundreds more cases go unreported.

There is the Maintenance of Parents Act (1995) and a Tribunal that hears such cases. However, many parents are reluctant to report the abuse for the following reasons:

• they don't want to see their children sent to jail
• they don't want the social stigma attached to it
• they are unaware of their rights and that they can get help
• they don't know where to get help
• they depend on their children for financial support and shelter
• it reflects badly on their own parenting.

So these abused parents, mostly in their 70s and 80s, continue to suffer in silence. This is certainly not the way they should be living their remaining years. As long as they don't report the abuse, nothing can be done to help them.

These abuses can be verbal, physical, financial or psychological, and may include any of the following:

• scolded or beaten for being slow, forgetful, or for making mistakes
• harassed for money to pay their children's loans or debts
• chased out of the family home because there is no room for them
• ignored, neglected, even shamed in front of others
• constantly told they are 'useless' and 'should die quickly'
• subjected to numerous restrictions that limit their freedom

The key lies in building a strong bond between parents and children, and nurturing this bond through the years. Children who are neglected or abused, are more likely to grow into adults who are abusive towards their parents. 

Certainly there are other factors that come into play. Adult children who are struggling with their own problems may vent their frustrations on their parents. These problems range from heavy debts to drug addiction. But this is no excuse for them to take it out on their elderly parents.

There are also highly educated, successful adult children who are ashamed of their illiterate parents. They have no qualms or guilt about confining their parents to a room at the back of the house with strict orders not to come out when there are visitors or guests in the house. 

To quote a media statement issued by Karpal Singh of the Democratic Action Party (DAP) dated 12/3/07, "... it is the duty of adult children to maintain their parents in old age for the simple reason their parents provided for them up to adulthood. The Government should give first priority to the enactment of the Maintenance of Parents Act as soon as possible."

Mr Lum Kin Tuck, former president of the National Council of Senior Citizens’ Organisations Malaysia (NACSCOM) has also called on the government to set in place a systematic safety net for the elderly. 

Cases of abandoned parents are also on the rise. The 2010 census conducted by Malaysia’s Department of Statistics shows that 675,000 citizens aged 60 and above have been abandoned and do not receive financial support from their children. This means that one in three senior citizens have been deserted by their children.

A sight that is becoming common in many Asian
countries where filial piety was once regarded as
the most important of all virtues. Read more...

It is only in the last couple of years that the government has made some effort to address the plight of abused and abandoned parents. It is not enough, and more importantly, not sustained. The only recourse left to abused parents is to seek help from relatives and friends, and NGOs that are sympathetic to their case.

Here are some things parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age
• look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s and 80s.
• protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.
• have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times
• seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal
• know you are not alone in this. Join a support group. 

Click here to know more about elder abuse.

OLD, LONELY AND FORGOTTEN

Last Wednesday (10 July), I was a guest on Capital fm88.9 Morning Show. I had been invited to give my views on recent headline news about adult children abandoning their elderly parents. This interest was prompted by the new “Elderly Rights Law” introduced in China last month to deal with the growing problem of lonely elderly people who are neglected by their adult children. With the enforcement of the law, it is now mandatory for adult children to visit their elderly parents.

A similar law, the Maintenance of Parents Act, exists in countries like Singapore, India and the Philippines. In Singapore, for example, parents may seek legal assistance from the Tribunal for Maintenance of Parents to compel their adult children to provide financial support.

A law requiring children to visit their elderly parents is difficult to enforce. How many visits are children required to make? Who would regulate these visits? What if the children have settled overseas? There is also the question of 'quality' of visits over quantity. Would parents be happy to receive visits from children who are there only because it is an offence, a crime not to do so? Such visits would certainly lack warmth and real bonding.

Source: The Star July 6

The traditional family structure has changed. Adult children move out of the family home as soon as they are financially independent, leaving their parents to age on their own or in a retirement home. With more young people working in other cities or countries, it has become a norm for them to see their parents only during festive occasions. Burdened with multiple loans to pay off and with the high cost of living, young families are already struggling to take care of their little ones, let alone their elderly parents.

Abandoned old folks waiting out their final years. Where are their family members?

While we can understand why some adult children fail to visit their parents regularly or do not provide adequate financial support for them, we cannot condone the act of abandoning their parents. That is absolutely despicable and unforgivable. For many elderly parents, often all they want is just to be remembered with an occasional visit or phone call. Is that too much to ask? Is it any wonder that depression and thoughts of suicide is on the rise among senior citizens living in the cities.

Source: Department of Statistics, Singapore

Worldwide, a rise in the ageing population and a decline in fertility means fewer working people to support an ever growing number of elderly people. In Singapore, the number of elderly citizens will triple to 900,000 by 2030. Malaysia will become an aging nation by 2030 when the population above 60 years is expected to reach 15 per cent or 4.9 million. In China, there were more than 178 million people aged 60 years or older in 2010. By 2030, that figure will double.

With 2030 only 16 years away, financial support and care of elderly parents will continue to be a huge challenge for adult children and for the government.

My advice? Take care of yourself, your health, your money. Save enough for your sunset years. Adopt an active lifestyle so that hefty medical expenses don't swallow up your savings. Don't expect your children to take care of you in your old age. They may not be able to, even if they want to. Filial piety is dying, no thanks to the harsh realities of living in a rapidly changing world that has no place for the elderly.

OLD AND ABANDONED BY THEIR CHILDREN

I came across the above in the New Straits Times a while back. It got me thinking. If it costs RM317,000 to raise a child from the day he was born to the day he celebrates his 17th birthday, how much would it cost to care for an elderly parent, say, from the age of 70 to 87?

I doubt any study has been done on this here. From what I've heard, most financial planners don't even advise their clients to allocate a certain sum to cover the cost of looking after their elderly parents, or paying for their healthcare and medical expenses. Bear in mind the aged have no health or medical insurance.

The bookend generations - the very young and the very old - have much in common. Both are dependent on others to help them, so their needs are quite similar. Except for a few items, the above list of costs incurred in raising a child applies to caring for an aged parent too. At least we now have an idea of how much it will cost us to look after our parents.

The cost can easily double or triple if our parents require special nursing care. What happens when adult children can no longer afford to care for their parents?

According to a recent report in The Star, up to June this year, 157 patients above 60 were abandoned by their families at hospital. A total of 205 senior citizens were abandoned last year. 95% of those abandoned came from poor families. Statistics from the Fourth Malaysian Population and Family Survey conducted in 2004 by the National Population and Family Development Board show that about 675,000 elderly parents did not receive financial support from their children.

Isn't this shocking? But that's the reality of life. The family institution of past generations has disintegrated, no thanks to changing family dynamics and to an erosion of family values. While there are kind people who would adopt abandoned babies, who would want to 'adopt' abandoned old people? Babies are so much cuter and have their whole lives ahead of them. Old people are all wrinkled and nearing the end of their lives.

The Tong Sim Senior Citizens Home has been receiving generous donations of provisions since The Star (8 Oct) featured it in their cover story. What the home needs now is not food supplies but household items like washing detergent, garbage bags, adult diapers and toilet rolls.

I visited the Tong Sim Senior Citizens Home yesterday. I was there to deliver provisions purchased with proceeds from past seminars organized by Seniorsaloud. It is heart-breaking to see so many elderly folks who are there because they have nowhere else to go. It is through the kindness of Mr Cheong Loy that they have a roof over their head, albeit on the upper floor of Mr Cheong's funeral parlour.

As parents we don't want to be a burden to our adult children. The latter have their own young family to take care of. Unless we are blessed with good fortune, we need to continue working as long as we can, save as much as we can, and look after our health. That's our responsibility.

Remember, we may still be active and independent now, but a day will come when we too will be our parents' age. When we reach our 70s and can no longer work to support ourselves, who will look after us? Aside from financial support, we need assistance with ADL (activities of daily living). We can't take filial piety for granted, especially if we haven't laid the foundation for bonding with our children when they were growing up.

Time to take stock of our future, so as to be better prepared for a smooth and pleasant journey into the sunset years.

ARE WE FILIAL SONS AND DAUGHTERS?

A checklist of 24 things to do for filial sons and daughters. What is your score?

While the Confucian virtue of filial piety is not quite buried along with our ancestors from China, it is at risk of becoming as antiquated as foot-binding for young Chinese ladies from good families.

The Straits Times today published an article that calls for a shoring up of filial piety in China. With the Chinese diaspora extending to all four corners of the world, the article may as well have been targeted at Chinese sons and daughters in Singapore and Malaysia.

Are we baby boomers the last line of defence left to uphold and preserve filial piety? If our adult children and grandchildren seem lacking in respect for their elders, are we as much to blame as the changing times and hence, changing values? Have we pampered and mollycoddled them too much? Have we allowed them to get away with indiscipline and disrespect to their parents and grandparents?

When was the last time we held our elderly parents' hands?

What about us? Are we exemplary models for the younger generations to emulate? Can we look at ourselves in the mirror and honestly say that we have looked after our elderly parents well, and given them our love and respect?

When was the last time we hugged our parents or held their hands? They don't need gifts of money, hampers of food or bouquets of flowers. All they want is the reassurance that they have not been forsaken and forgotten by their family members.

I ask myself all these questions too, and I have gone through the checklist above. While my friends and family would consider me a good daughter, I must confess there is plenty of room for improvement.

The time for us to start is right now, before the sands of time run out for our elderly parents, and it's too late for regrets.

How we treat our elderly parents is how our children will treat us one day in our old age. They will learn from us. What examples are we giving them?

WAITING IN VAIN FOR VISITORS DURING CHINESE NEW YEAR

You might have seen this Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development ad in the papers over the Chinese New Year. Sure, it's just an ad but it made me think. CNY or any festivals for that matter is a time for family reunion and celebration. Unfortunately, this tradition of family get-togethers to welcome the new year is fast fading into oblivion.

These days many young Chinese see the festive holidays as an opportunity to relax at home, meet up with friends, or go off on a holiday. Those who can afford it will opt for trips abroad to China, Hong Kong, Korea or Taiwan. To them, it's such a waste of holidays and also boring to sit around in their parents' home in some small town, watching TV all day long. If not for the festive decorations and the sounds of firecrackers and lion dances, CNY would be just like any other day.

Jams like this one are common during CNY and other festivals. How many people are returning
to their hometowns, and how many are off to a holiday resort?

With each passing year, fewer adult children are making the effort to 'balik kampung' to visit their elderly parents for the CNY. The thought of getting stuck in horrendous traffic jams is enough to put them off making the trip. So elderly parents wait at home for their children who may or may not show up.

Waiting for visitors (The Sun)

At old folks home, the story is the same. The elderly sit around waiting and wondering if their children will remember to visit them this year. For many, the only visits they get are from various corporations and NGOs. These kind strangers stay for a while till all the photos have been taken and gifts distributed, then they leave, pleased with their good deed and satisfied that they have achieved their CSR objectives for the year.

It is sad that the elderly are often the hapless victims of a society that is slowly losing touch with family traditions and values. But then again, they have to accept some responsibility too. Family cohesion has to be nurtured over the years, starting when the children are still young and eager to learn. It takes effort, patience and persistence to instil family values. And above all, it takes a whole lot of love, not just implicit, but openly expressed and demonstrated through little acts of caring and sharing throughout the children's growing up years. Once firmly established, family bonds are difficult to sever, and adult children will never dream of abandoning their elderly parents.

So young parents, take note. Don't wait till you are in your sunset years and then wonder why you don't see much of your adult children anymore. Perhaps you didn't see much of them when they were growing up, when you were too busy pursuing a career or building a business. When we are strangers to our children, how can we expect care and concern from them in our old age? The two generations are family in name only. When that happens, we have only ourselves to blame.

Tossing the traditional CNY dish of yee sang (raw fish salad) at a family get-together.