WHEN ADULT CHILDREN ABUSE THEIR ELDERLY PARENTS

How many of us are guilty of elder abuse? If the truth be told, all of us would admit to some degree of guilt. We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers in nursing homes physically abusing the elderly residents in their care.

We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people. We would never do anything like that to hurt the very people we are supposed to look after and care for.

But elder abuse is not just physical. It encompasses financial and psychological abuse as well. Guess who are guilty of such abuse? Who are the usual suspects? The answer - adult children.

When adult children exploit their elderly parents for their own financial gains, that's abuse too. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names.

For whatever reasons, these children can't wait to inherit from their parents. That would take too long. I know of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties.

Perhaps the most common abuse is emotional and psychological. Most of the time we are not even aware that we have hurt the feelings of our elderly parents. In moments of stress, anger or frustration , we lose our patience with them. We chide them, belittle them, even threaten them with the possibility of packing them off to an old folks home.

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

Last Sunday, we celebrated Father's Day. It is a timely reminder that while we celebrate with joy Father's Day and Mother's Day, we should also remember to honor our parents in their old age, and treat them with respect and dignity.

Filial Piety is becoming rare these days. Countries such as Singapore and India have implemented the Maintenance of Parents Act whereby parents can report their adult children to a tribunal for failure to provide financial support and care. When adult children face problems in their business or marriage, it is easy to take out their frustrations on their elderly parents who are vulnerable and unable to stand up for themselves. Life becomes unbearable for their elderly parents. It is no wonder many say they prefer to die than suffer at the hands of their own children.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social disease, not if we raise our children to respect our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents.

Footnote: This is an updated version of an earlier article posted in June 2014.

LET'S PUT AN END TO ELDER ABUSE!

How many of us are guilty of elder abuse? If the truth be told, all of us would admit to some degree of guilt. We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers in nursing homes physically abusing the elderly residents in their care.

We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people. We would never do anything like that to hurt the very people we are supposed to look after and care for.

But elder abuse is not just physical. It encompasses financial and psychological abuse as well. Guess who are guilty of such abuse? Who are the usual suspects? The answer - the adult children.

When adult children exploit their elderly parents for their own financial gains, that's abuse too. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names.

For whatever reasons, these children can't wait to inherit from their parents. That would take too long. I know of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties.

Perhaps the most common abuse is emotional/psychological. Most of the time we are not even aware that we have hurt the feelings of the elderly. In moments of stress, anger or frustration , we lose our patience with them. We chide them, belittle them, even threaten them with the possibility of packing them off to an old folks home.

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

Last Sunday, 15 June, we celebrated Father's Day. It was also Elder Abuse Awareness Day - a timely reminder that while we celebrate with joy Father's Day, we should also remember to honor our parents in their old age, and treat them with respect and dignity.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social disease, not if we raise our children to respect our elders.

WHEN ADULT CHILDREN ABUSE AND EXPLOIT THEIR PARENTS

Headlines like the one above makes one wonder how children are brought up these days. Are they taught the right values at home and in school? Are their parents leading by good example?

In many countries parent or elder abuse is on the rise. In Singapore, the number of reported cases of abusive adult children has gone up from 160 to 240 a year over the past three years. One can assume hundreds more cases go unreported.

There is the Maintenance of Parents Act (1995) and a Tribunal that hears such cases. However, many parents are reluctant to report the abuse for the following reasons:

• they don't want to see their children sent to jail
• they don't want the social stigma attached to it
• they are unaware of their rights and that they can get help
• they don't know where to get help
• they depend on their children for financial support and shelter
• it reflects badly on their own parenting.

So these abused parents, mostly in their 70s and 80s, continue to suffer in silence. This is certainly not the way they should be living their remaining years. As long as they don't report the abuse, nothing can be done to help them.

These abuses can be verbal, physical, financial or psychological, and may include any of the following:

• scolded or beaten for being slow, forgetful, or for making mistakes
• harassed for money to pay their children's loans or debts
• chased out of the family home because there is no room for them
• ignored, neglected, even shamed in front of others
• constantly told they are 'useless' and 'should die quickly'
• subjected to numerous restrictions that limit their freedom

The key lies in building a strong bond between parents and children, and nurturing this bond through the years. Children who are neglected or abused, are more likely to grow into adults who are abusive towards their parents. 

Certainly there are other factors that come into play. Adult children who are struggling with their own problems may vent their frustrations on their parents. These problems range from heavy debts to drug addiction. But this is no excuse for them to take it out on their elderly parents.

There are also highly educated, successful adult children who are ashamed of their illiterate parents. They have no qualms or guilt about confining their parents to a room at the back of the house with strict orders not to come out when there are visitors or guests in the house. 

To quote a media statement issued by Karpal Singh of the Democratic Action Party (DAP) dated 12/3/07, "... it is the duty of adult children to maintain their parents in old age for the simple reason their parents provided for them up to adulthood. The Government should give first priority to the enactment of the Maintenance of Parents Act as soon as possible."

Mr Lum Kin Tuck, former president of the National Council of Senior Citizens’ Organisations Malaysia (NACSCOM) has also called on the government to set in place a systematic safety net for the elderly. 

Cases of abandoned parents are also on the rise. The 2010 census conducted by Malaysia’s Department of Statistics shows that 675,000 citizens aged 60 and above have been abandoned and do not receive financial support from their children. This means that one in three senior citizens have been deserted by their children.

A sight that is becoming common in many Asian
countries where filial piety was once regarded as
the most important of all virtues. Read more...

It is only in the last couple of years that the government has made some effort to address the plight of abused and abandoned parents. It is not enough, and more importantly, not sustained. The only recourse left to abused parents is to seek help from relatives and friends, and NGOs that are sympathetic to their case.

Here are some things parents can do to reduce the risks of ending up abused or abandoned by their adult children:

• continue to build your nest egg and make sure you are not financially dependent on your children when you reach old age
• look after your health so that you remain physically active and independent as long as you can, right into your 70s and 80s.
• protect your property. Do not hand over the deeds of your house prematurely. You need to ensure a roof over your head at all times.
• have a network of friends you can count on to support you through the difficult times
• seek professional help or counselling especially if you feel suicidal
• know you are not alone in this. Join a support group. 

Click here to know more about elder abuse.