NOT DIVORCED BUT GRADUATING FROM MARRIAGE

Shojiro Shindo and his wife Kimiko on
a trip to Nagasaki Prefecture in 2013

I learned a new word today - 'sotsukon'. It's a Japanese word that means 'graduation from marriage'. (Read the interview with Shojiro, 71. He and his wife Kimiko, 69, are happy with their 'sotsukon'. The Japan News)

When the children have grown and flown the family nest, longtime married couples go through a period of re-adjustment. It's make-or-break time for the relationship. The marriage either strengthens as the couple have more time for each other, or crumble as they constantly bicker and get on each other's nerves.

Blessed are couples that have remained loving, caring and committed to their marriage vows. Unfortunately, marital break-ups among older couples seem to be the norm these days. In the US, more than half of all gray divorces are to couples in first marriages. Indeed, 55 percent of gray divorces are between couples who’d been married for more than 20 years. (Washington Post)

Gray divorce on the rise in S.Korea

Gray divorces are on the rise, even in Asia. And it's usually the women who initiate the divorce. (AARP). As late as the 1980s, it was unthinkable for a woman to seek a divorce. How would she support herself? Besides, a divorce meant telling the world that her marriage was a failure. That would be such a loss of face.

Today, Asian women are no longer afraid to seek a divorce as they are able to fend for themselves financially. Society has also become more accepting of divorce.

For those who do not want to go through a messy and often expensive divorce, there is 'sotsukon'. This is not the same as 'estranged' which implies the couple living separately on unfriendly terms. In 'sotsukon', the couple lead separate lives but remain in touch, and still enjoy activities together.

'Sotsukon' is gaining popularity in Japan, and why not. It's the perfect compromise for couples who still have some affection for each other, but want to have the freedom to pursue their own interests and lifestyle.

Expect 'sotsukon' to catch on too in Malaysia and Singapore.

MORE OLDER COUPLES GETTING DIVORCED

Source: The Star

Divorce among older couples was virtually unheard of 50 years ago. Marriages were meant to last a lifetime. Even when death took away one partner, the other would remain faithful till death. Couples in those days stayed together because they took their marriage vows seriously, especially if they married in a place of worship and exchanged vows before God.

In reality and in these days of freer social interaction between the sexes, remaining faithful to one person for the rest of one's life seems to be strictly for the firm believer in fairy tales of the genre '... and they lived happily ever after'.

In South Korea, for example, longer life expectancy, gender equality and better financial support for divorcees have been cited as reasons behind the high rate of silver-haired divorces. The percentage of senior couples who had lived together for 20 years or longer before divorcing jumped from 7.6% in 1991 to 27.7% in 2011. (Click here to read more.)

Sure, there are couples who are blessed to have found their 'soul mate' to share the rest of their lives with. But for many middle-aged couples, they are more likely to find themselves stuck in an unhappy marriage, wondering what happened to that sweetheart they loved and married so many years ago.

Whether it's in the US, UK or South Korea, the divorce rate among older couples is on the rise. (Graphics from The Daily Mail)

It's the same story in Singapore. What is interesting is that the number of older divorcees re-marrying has risen.

This is especially true for women in their 50s and 60s who feel trapped in their marriage. Emboldened by the rising number of silver-haired divorces they read about, they no longer think twice about initiating divorce proceedings. They no longer feel pressured to keep up a pretense of a happy marriage. They no longer fear facing the future alone.

70 years together "in sickness and in health". Unfortunately such loving elderly couples are a rarity these days. (Read the touching full story at The Huffington Post)

Now better educated and able to support themselves financially, many divorcees are enjoying the single life again, or entering into new relationships. And with the children all grown and flown, there is even less reason for them to remain in the role of the long-suffering wife, especially if their husband has been unfaithful or abusive to them.

No longer considered a social stigma, divorce now means liberation for many women, and an opportunity to start afresh on their own. (Image from The Daily Mail)

To be fair, there are husbands who want to leave their wives too. Some women are no angels, and do cheat on their husbands. Others are gold-diggers or title-seekers. Still others are so insecure, they become overly jealous and possessive of their husband, while many are born naggers, constantly harping on their husbands' perceived faults. Such women can make marriage a living hell for their husband.

Many reasons for a divorce. For Dina Eastwood, it was her husband's infidelity, for Al Gore it was his wife's constant jealousy rage. 

Divorces are usually messy, ugly and expensive. The only winners are the lawyers. Regardless, women will proceed to file for divorce rather than endure more years of suffering mental and emotional anguish in an unhappy marriage. Often their decision has the support of their adult children who do not want to see their mother in misery.

(Click here to read a former Miss Malaysia's story of how she felt like a slave and a prisoner in her own home. She is filing for divorce from her husband who is on Forbes list of Malaysia's richest men.)

As long as neither party wants to give their marriage another chance, or if one partner is adamant about splitting, no amount of marriage counselling can help. When a marriage has irretrievably broken down due to irreconcilable differences, the best solution is a divorce. Couples who split amicably can choose to live separately without going through a divorce, as in the case of Kris and Bruce Jenner who have been married 22 years.

Here are some tips for a long-lasting marriage.

1. Appreciate your spouse and show it with little acts of love.
2. Communicate. Share your feelings, your views, your worries,
3. Continue to have sex and intimacy. Have weekly dates.
5. Never criticize or humiliate your spouse in front of others.
6. Have realistic expectations of each other.
7. Embrace your differences.
8. Have your own pursuits as well as shared ones.
9. Learn from each other.
10. Support each other in maintaining an active healthy lifestyle.

WHEN THE MISSUS SAYS 'NO, NOT TONIGHT, NOT EVER!"

When the children have flown the nest, one would think that's the best time for married couples to enjoy each other's company. Having the whole house to themselves means having the peace and privacy to rekindle the romance that's been relegated to the back-burner when the children were growing up.

However, for many couples, that old loving feeling is long gone only to be replaced by a deep sense of loneliness, of unfulfillment and even regret at the realization that perhaps their spouse is not that someone they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Physical intimacy is not just for the young.

The situation is made worse when one partner has sexual needs that cannot or will not be met by the other partner. This is the case with 'At Wit's End' who wrote to the 'Dear Thelma' column about his problem. At 74, he is still sexually active, but his 68-year old wife has absolutely no interest in any sexual or physical intimacy. He claims she looks upon sex as 'dirty' and only for the purpose of procreation.

So what is the solution? Even 'Dear Thelma' doesn't have an answer. Her advice - "You have little option except to live with the situation or get another woman!" She's hoping that readers have a better solution to offer. Click here to read the original letter published in The Sunday Star (23 Oct).

Here's another letter, this one from 'Lonely Divorcee', who is longing for a relationship but doesn't know where to find good men. Click here to read the original letter.

Loneliness affects many older adults, especially single women in their 50s and 60s.

These two letters highlight the loneliness many older people are facing, whether single or married. Some see themselves trapped in a loveless or sexless marriage, while others have difficulty finding a companion to share their sunset years with.

Would it be fair to say that wives who reject their husband's sexual needs have only themselves to blame if he seeks sexual gratification elsewhere? Some wives would turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to their husband's extra-marital affairs as long as he continues to provide for them. However, the number of wives now demanding a divorce is rising. Statistics show that gray divorce is on the increase, with 66% initiated by the wife.

"They were married and lived happily ever after" has become a myth. Today, when we look at young married couples, including our own adult children, we can only pray in our hearts that they will 'love and honour each other for as long as they shall live'.

We know the odds are heavily stacked against them to stay happily married for the rest of their lives.