A BLESSING TO BE A GRANDPARENT

Where the extended family used to live under one roof, today's nuclear family structure means there is no one to care for the children when both parents are out at work. So who do young married couples turn to to look after their little ones? Their parents, of course, especially if they are still active, in good health and, most important, retired.

To a couple with young children, nothing is more helpful than having supportive grandparents who are there to help as babysitters. Young mothers, in particular, can return to work after their maternity leave knowing that their little ones are in safe hands. To them, it is a far better option than leaving their children with a domestic helper or at a day-care centre.

From a young mother of two in 1973 to a grandmother of five in 2014. (Tap on pic to enlarge)

While most grandparents are ready to help out if they are able, there are some who feel they have paid their dues and done their duty as parents. It’s time their children did theirs.

Says one grandmother, 67, “No more changing diapers and dealing with toddler tantrums for me. At my age, it’s too stressful. Sure, if there’s an emergency, I’ll be there. I don’t mind playing with my grandchildren or visiting them, but hands-on babysitting? No thank you."

There are many who share the same sentiments.

On a family vacation in Phuket with Max, 6, and Reiya, 6 months. 

Photo taken in 2006.

On the other hand, there are doting grandparents who love nothing better than to help out with their grandchildren. They are also fortunate to have children who are very appreciative of their help, who do not take for granted their parents' help. When there is understanding on  both sides, grandparenting becomes a pleasure, not pressure. As grandparents, we should know when to offer our advice, and when to stay on the sidelines. Through trial and error, young parents will learn, just like we did when we were young parents ourselves, the best ways to bring up the children.

Max, 2, with my sister. Me and Max in 2018. He towers over everyone in the family.

I recall when my first grandchild was born on 28 August 2000, my younger daughter Belle was at the time helping her husband build his company. After three months maternity leave, she had to return to work. She had little choice but to approach me for help with the baby. Fortunately for her, it was the start of the year-end school holidays. I had two months to enjoy re-living my parenting days, this time as a brand new grandma.

I spent a lot of time (and patience) helping Reiya with her Kumon homework.

But it was a different story when the new school term began in January 2001. I had to start teaching again. My daughter and I didn't trust a maid or anyone else to look after four-month old Max. In the end, to my daughter's relief, I decided to take care of Max full time. The school principal was understanding enough when I requested to teach part-time. I asked for three hours of classes from 7.30am to 10.30am, Mondays to Fridays. My request was approved, and thus began my first year of grandparenting which would continue till today, albeit in a different capacity.

Allie, Max, Hana and baby Reiya. Photo taken in 2006.

My weekday routine for that whole year began with the alarm clock going off at 6.20am. I had to be in school by 7.25am in time for the first class. As soon as the bell rang for the first recess, I would rush over to my daughter's place so she could leave for work. On most days she would return home after 8pm. There were times when there was so much work in the office she would be back well after 10pm. By the time I was back in my own home and in my own bed, it would be close to midnight.

With Ryder in 2014 and in 2020. With him around, there is never a dull moment. 

I was often tired and stressed out from teaching in the morning and looking after Max the rest of the day. Changing Max's diapers, feeding him, bathing him and taking him out for walks in the stroller became the order of the day. In between I had to find time to mark assignments and prepare lesson plans. Whenever she could, my younger sister would drop by in the afternoon to help out. I remember looking forward to her visits. 

From little girls to big girls but always grandma's girls

In 2003 and 2004 my elder daughter Moon gave me two grand-daughters, Allie and Hana. As they were both born outside Malaysia, Allie in Canada and Hana in Singapore, I wasn't able to help take care of them. Moon had to quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom for Allie's first few years. When she had her second child, the family had settled in Singapore. She was fortunate to hire a very capable helper who doubled up as a nanny for both the girls. In 2006, my family welcomed baby Reiya, sister to Max. Reiya made me a happy grandma for the fourth time. In January 2014, Ryder joined the family as my youngest grandchild.

All the children are into sports. Max was a champion triathlete but has switched to muscle building. The girls are into running with Reiya into swimming as well. As for Ryder, he swims, cycles and does jiu jitsu. He excels in all three and more. 

Children grow up so fast. Max celebrated his 20th birthday on 28 August 2020. At 6 feet plus, he towers over everyone in the family. Allie is 17, Hana 16 and Reiya 14, all pretty teenagers. Then there is Ryder, 6, the little rascal and the livewire of the family. He still has a long way to go to catch up with his older siblings. But he is a sprinter as far as IQ goes. Very smart for his age.

The cousins - all share a love of art.

Looking back on those years of babysitting, I can honestly say I wouldn't trade a single day of it for anything. Of course, now that all my grandchildren are grown, I care for them in a different way. Max has just completed his first year in a university in Cologne, studying for a degree in International Business majoring in Digital Management. Allie is doing her A-levels at a boarding school in the UK. Now it's a different kind of bonding altogether. I make it a point to attend their school functions whenever I can, support them in whatever they do, and offer advice if needed. I have to remember not to compare my era of growing up with theirs. Times have changed.

Max looking after his two younger siblings. Ryder adores his big bro and looks up to him. 

There will come a time when all my grandchildren will prefer to hang out with their friends than with their grandma. Indeed, it is already the case now. l miss hearing the pitter-patter of little feet, of hearing my grandchildren squeal with delight and run to hug me when they see me at the front door. I miss their excited cries of "Grandma is here!" That's the sweetest music to my ears. My grandchildren are truly my joy and my blessings.

As for the question - "Are grandparents being taken for granted as child-minders?" Put another way, are grandparents being taken advantage of to care for the grandchildren? I can't answer for other grandparents. For me, my answer is obvious. It makes me feel good to know I played an important part in my grandchildren's growing up years. My two daughters have shown their appreciation many times over, in a thousand and one ways.

I am now in my 70s. God willing, I will see all my grandchildren graduate, and be around still to see them start their own family. With long life and good health, I will be around to play with my great grandchildren. 

PS: I love all my grandchildren dearly and equally. But each one wants to think he/she is my favourite. 😀 

ARE GRANDPARENTS BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED AS CHILD-MINDERS?

It's been a long while since I wrote about grandparenting ("Grandparenting - Pleasure or Pressure?"). Given the changing role of women in the last two to three decades, it is inevitable that the role of grandparents will also undergo change. The switch from full time mothers to full time career women has left grandparents increasingly taking on the role of child-minder and ersatz parents.

On a family vacation in Phuket with Max, 6, and Reiya, 6 months. Photo taken in 2006.

Where the extended family used to live under one roof, today's nuclear family structure means there is no one to care for the children when both parents are out at work. So who do young married couples turn to to look after their little ones? Their parents, of course, especially if they are still active, in good health and, most important, retired.

I recall when my first grandchild was born on 28 August 2000, my younger daughter was at the time helping her husband build his company. After three months maternity leave, she had to return to work. She had no choice but to approach me for help with the baby. Fortunately for her, it was the start of the Nov-Dec school holidays. I had two months to enjoy re-living my parenting days, this time as a brand new grandma.

My four grandchildren taken in 2006. 

But it was a different story when the new school term began in January 2001. I had to start teaching again. My daughter and I didn't trust a maid or anyone else to look after four-month old Max. In the end, to my daughter's relief, I decided to take care of Max full time. The school principal was understanding enough when I requested to teach part-time. I asked for three hours of classes from 7.30am to 10.30am, Mondays to Fridays. My request was approved, and thus began my first year of grandparenting which would continue till today, albeit in a different capacity.

For Reiya, Max is the best big brother a sister could ask for, very caring and loving. Of course, like most siblings they do bicker every now and then. Picture taken in October 2012.

My weekday routine for that whole year began with the alarm clock going off at 6.20am. I had to be in school by 7.25am in time for the first class. As soon as the bell rang for the first recess, I would hurry over to my daughter's place so she could leave for work. On most days she would return home with her husband after 8pm. There were times when there was so much work in the office she would be back well after 10pm. By the time I was back in my own home and in my own bed, it would be close to midnight.

Max today, a towering 6-footer and still growing. He is among the
top triathletes in his age group, regularly competing in regional triathlons.

I was often tired and stressed out from teaching in the morning and looking after Max the rest of the day. Changing Max's diapers, feeding him, bathing him and taking him out for walks in the stroller became the order of the day. In between I had to find time to mark assignments and prepare lesson plans. Whenever she could, my younger sister would drop by in the afternoon to help out. I remember looking forward to her visits. They were the highlight of each day.

A 2011 picture of my other two grandchildren, sisters Hana and Allie. 
They are now 12 and 13.

In 2003 and 2004 my elder daughter gave me two grand-daughters, Allie and Hana. As they were both born outside Malaysia, I wasn't able to help take care of them. My daughter had to quit her job to be a stay-at-home mom for Allie's first few years. When she had her second child, the family had settled in Singapore. She was fortunate to hire a very capable maid who doubled up as a nanny for both the girls. In 2006, my family welcomed baby Reiya, sister to Max. Reiya made me a happy grandma for the fourth time.

Allie and I enjoy playing the ukulele

Looking back on those years of babysitting, I can honestly say I wouldn't trade a single day of it for anything. Of course, now that my grandchildren are of school-going age, my time with them is spent mostly on fun stuff. It's a different kind of bonding altogether. I make it a point to attend their school functions, to support them in competitions and to help with their homework. I make sure I am available to babysit should the need arise.

Feeding Ryder. Photo taken in 2015.

Children grow up so fast. Max celebrated his 16th birthday two days ago on 28 August. At 6 feet, he towers over everyone in the family. Allie is 13 and Hana will no longer enjoy children's privileges when she turns 12 next month in October. Now 10+, Reiya has another year and a half to enjoy her pre-teen status. Then there is Ryder, who is two and a half years old. He still has a long way to go to catch up with his older siblings. But he is a sprinter as far as IQ goes. Very smart for his age.

There will come a time when all my grandchildren will prefer to hang out with their friends than with their grandma. Indeed, it is already the case now. I will miss hearing the pitter-patter of little feet, of hearing my grandchildren squeal with delight and run to hug me when they see me at the front door. I will miss their excited cries of "Grandma is here!" It's the sweetest music to my ears.

So back to the question - "Are grandparents being taken for granted as child-minders?" Put another way, are grandparents being exploited to care for the grandchildren? I can't answer for other grandparents. For me, my answer is obvious. It makes me feel good to know I had an important part to play in my grandchildren's growing up years. My two daughters have shown their appreciation many times over, in a thousand and one ways.

Allie, Ryder, Reiya, me and Hana. Max was away at boarding school. Photo taken late 2015.

Would I do it all over again if either of my daughters decided to have another child? In a heart beat. I would be in my 70s. I might not be able to run after my sixth grandchild like I used to with Max. But I would have enough love to give in equal amounts to each and every one of my grandchildren. They are truly my joy and my blessings.

(This article is an update of an earlier one posted in 2012.)

RETIRED HUSBANDS - A PAIN OR A GAIN?

The book is available on amazon.com.

(In the article below, Linda Lim takes a frank look at what makes retirement tick. Guys, if your retirement isn't turning out exactly the way you have envisioned it, Linda tells you why.) 

Retired husbands - pain or gain?    by Linda Lim

                     

Working people on the verge of retirement look forward to their last day of work. After working for 30 over years, there is nothing more pleasurable then calling it a day, not worry about getting up early to go to work, meeting deadlines or projects to complete and producing results. They drool when they think about freedom from work, their much needed rest and needless to say enjoy their gratuity or pension, like going for holidays and pursuing their hobbies. In short, doing things they never had the time or money to do so when they were working. 

But alas, retirement is not all bliss as some newly retired husbands discover. A friend of mine who retired early as she had to take care of her children when they were young now finds that her newly retired hubby is a pain. He demands that his wife be at his side at all times and is annoyed when she has her own programme. To start with, he questions her on her daily activities.

“What!? Coffee morning again? Why do the luncheons with your friends have to stretch to tea-time.? Are you going shopping again? What do you need to buy? You have everything already. What is this activity call line dancing that takes two hours of your time?”

Manicure, pedicure, volunteer work at the handicap center, sewing sessions - all these words are foreign to him. The husband who once thought that retirement was bliss began to have second thoughts. Many of the friends he has are still working. His older friends who are retirees have their own activities. His adult children have no time for him. He turns to his wife for constant companionship only to find that she has activities of her own that do not include him.

The wives of today refuse to be tied down to housework. They have fun-filled activities that stimulate their minds and in so doing they have a bigger circle of friends. But the newly retired husband clings to his wife.  He becomes a pain. Soon he gets tired of reading. There is a limit to the television programmes that he can watch and then he becomes a nag. He is envious that his wife is more sociable than he is.

Another friend told me that her newly retired hubby decided to do spring cleaning and in so doing, cleared the storeroom of things that she needed. He meant well but angered her as he had disposed of things that she had cherished.

Yet another newly retired husband became a hypochondriac. From a healthy senior he started to develop imaginary aches, pains and headaches and demanded constant attention and unnecessary visits to the doctor. He became unkempt and was always seen in his faded tee shirt and shorts. As he had nothing to do, he started to find fault with family members and neighbours. He complained incessantly about life in general. Truth be told, he aged by leaps and bounds.

I remember this senior colleague of mine who used to mark on his calendar the retirement date and tell me what his activities would be like. He was going to paint his fence, repair some faulty appliances, polish his car till it looked like new and in his own words, just relax.

Two months later, this same enthusiastic retiree was looking for part-time jobs. Retirement, he sheepishly confessed, was not his cup of tea! He was bored to tears, and was a nuisance to his wife and family. Today he is doing part-time lecturing at a private college. He is enjoying himself, deeply immersed in his new found job. The pay packet though small is not an issue. He is gainfully employed and happily occupied.

But there are two sides of the coin.

Photo: Straits Times

My neighbour on his retirement has embarked on his hobby - gardening. After six months of retirement he has a manicured garden to show off, the envy of his neighbours. He grows passion fruits, bananas and papayas, and also herbal plants. The best part is when he reaps the harvests we all get a share of it. His organic fruits and vegetables are indeed a delight. It is such a joy to see him tend to the garden daily. He looks healthy. His eyes sparkle when he tells us about his plants.

My uncle too has taken to retirement kindly. He has his own activities and respects the activities which his wife has and they meet up for dinner. His day starts with golfing with his friends bright and early in the morning. He and his friends often lay a wager and the losers pay for breakfast. Nothing elaborate, just a cup of coffee and maybe a packet of nasi lemak or some cakes. Over breakfast they sit and yarn about politics, their health, and a post-mortem on their golf game. 

Photo from grandparentingwithapurpose.com

By 11 am he is back home to read the papers. Sometimes he has lunch with his cronies and then he goes on the computer or watches television. If the weather is favourable he goes for an evening walk, this time with another set of friends. When he and his wife are not off on a holiday, they are grandparents on call. When their adult children need them to baby sit they are there to lend a helping hand. During long school holiday breaks they take the grandchildren to their home and give their children a break. It is evident that my uncle really enjoys his new found retirement.

Yet another newly retired husband is my cousin’s other half. He converted his garage into his work- room. He bought a DIY set and now he churns out useful things. I was presented with a footstool to put up my legs when I watch TV – a much appreciated handmade gift of love. His children too get lovely gifts. The other day, his daughter-in-law proudly showed off the wooden trolley that he had made. He is now going to make for his wife a spice rack.

Yes, these retirees are certainly really a gain.

And so retired husbands, which one are you - a pain or a gain? Don’t know the answer? Ask your wife.

A MAGAZINE TO CALL OUR OWN

Magazines from A - Z, but none for seniors and retirees

Step into the magazine section of any local bookstore, and you will find a wide assortment of magazines catering to women, men, parents, teenagers and children but NONE to grandparents. Photography, fashion, fishing, motor racing, health, computers, landscaping, travel, finance, lifestyle, even cosmetic surgery – you name it, and you’ll find not one, but whole shelves of magazines devoted to the topic. Yet, not a single magazine covering retirement.

GRAND - the magazine for grandparents



Magazines for the 50+: AARP and Retirement Lifestyles

Magazines aside, to my knowledge, none of the English dailies have come out with a supplement on retirement. The same goes for government publications targeted at pensioners and retirees - I've yet to see one.

Nothing like free magazines for seniors! Today's Senior and Northwest Retirement




No shortage of topics that interest retirees - CARP and RETIREE

What does this say about senior citizens in this country? Are we not important or large enough a group to interest publishers? Is a magazine for seniors not commercially viable? Publishers should take note that there is a huge untapped market in the 50+ age group.

How about special pull-outs in the dailies for retirees?

Singapore is a small island nation, but the government-backed Council for Third Age has published several booklets with useful information for those 50+. There are at least two magazines specifically aimed at the 45+ age group.

Singapore magazines for the 50+ : PRIME and SILVER LINING

I say it's about time we seniors had a magazine to call our own. The problem is how to get publishers interested. Any takers?

GRANDPARENTING - A PLEASURE OR PRESSURE?

To a family with young children, nothing is more helpful than having supportive grandparents who are there to help as babysitters and care-givers. Young mothers, in particular, have the option of returning to work knowing that their little ones are in safe hands. Those who can’t afford to leave their children with a babysitter or at a day-care centre can always turn to their parents.

While most grandparents are ready to help out if they are able, there are some who feel they have paid their dues and done their duty as parents. It’s time their children did theirs. Says one grandmother, 62, “No more changing diapers and dealing with toddler tantrums for me. At my age, it’s too stressful. Sure, if there’s an emergency, I’ll be there. I don’t mind playing with my grandchildren or visiting them, but hands-on babysitting? No thank you."

There are many who share the same sentiments.

“My children and grandchildren don’t show me enough respect. They take me for granted, and can be quite rude to me at times. They don’t treat me as part of the family.”

“My husband and I have eight grandchildren from our three children. Babysitting for all our children leaves us with little time for our own activities.”

“I have to pay for my own transport whenever I go over to my daughter-in-law’s house to babysit the children. A small allowance would be most welcomed since I babysit for her on a regular basis.”

“Our son leaves his 2 year-old and 4 year-old at our house before he goes to work. By the time he picks up the children after work at 7.00pm, my husband and I are exhausted. Sometimes when my son has a lot of work at the office, he comes as late as 9.00pm.”

“My husband is 72, and I’m 68. Physically, we can’t keep up with our boisterous grandsons. Besides, I have high blood pressure.”

“My daughter and I don’t see eye-to-eye on how to bring up the children, especially when it comes to discipline, food and education. This has caused some tension in our relationship.”

On the other hand, there are doting grandparents who do a great job minding their grandchildren. They are also fortunate to have children who are very appreciative of their help. When both sides adopt an open and trusting relationship with reasonable compromising, they create the ideal home environment for the little ones.

Bulbir, 67, and grandson, Ajit, 2

With young parents busy at work, grandfather of five, Bulbir Singh, 67, believes that grandparents should get involved in nurturing their grandchildren. They should take on the responsibility of teaching their grandchildren about God, about values and ethics that will stand them in good stead all their lives.

“If we don't, who else can and will? We should make whatever time we have with the children count. Spend quality time with them, like reading to them, playing with them, or assisting them with their home work. And when you teach, do it with love and concern.”

I consider myself a hands-on grandma. I enjoy being with my grandchildren, Max, 8, Allie, 5, Hana, 4 and Reiya, 2. They are a source of joy, fun and laughter for me. Children grow up so fast. Before you know it, they are preteens. When they start having their own friends and activities, they won’t have as much time to spend with us. That’s why I value each moment I have with them now. My grandchildren keep me feeling young with their unconditional love and boundless energy.

Dr Benjamin Spock, world renowned pediatrician and best-selling author of Baby and Child Care, tells grandparents to take note. No matter how convinced you are that your way is the best, it should be understood that, ultimately, the responsibility and the right to make decisions belong solely to the parents.

As grandparents, we should know when to offer our advice, and when to stay on the sidelines. Through trial and error, young parents will learn, just like we did when we were young parents ourselves, the best ways to bring up the children.

Mandela celebrating his 90th birthday with his grandchildren