Why fading family traditions start right at home

When one generation fails to pass these to the next generation, when parents fail to teach their children, that’s how traditions fade into obscurity. —Freepik

Around this time of year, questions about whether I’ll be returning to my hometown for Cheng Beng inevitably start coming up.

“No” is my stock answer.

You see, I hardly knew my father except for a few memories of him during my primary school days. He passed away at age 37 from an illness. I was only nine then. I do recall visiting his grave a couple of times and helping to sweep away the piles of dry leaves and weeds that had accumulated over the preceding 11 months. I remember standing in front of the grave with joss sticks in my hands, listening to the elders praying aloud in Hokkien. Not all my siblings and relatives could be there. My paternal grandmother was unable to make the trip to the cemetery due to her age. It would mean travelling out of town and walking up a hill under the blazing sun.

As the years passed, I was told only a handful of family members would observe this annual ritual of visiting my father’s grave to pay their respects. Too troublesome, they complain as they have moved to other towns or settled overseas.

It is the same story I hear from my friends.

The number of family members visiting the cemeteries to pray to their dearly departed and do some “tomb-sweeping” has dwindled due to various reasons, mainly inconvenience and apathy.

The younger generation show little interest in such observances. To them, their grandparents and great grandparents are total strangers. They feel no attachment, no interest. The only time they get to know something about them is through the stories and anecdotes their parents occasionally share.

It was different for my mother. She passed away at age 95 in 2021. She was cremated and her ashes scattered in the sea. We preserve the memory of both my parents in a plaque posted on a remembrance wall in a Buddhist temple in Petaling Jaya.

Every year during Cheng Beng, only my brother, his wife and I pay our respects at the temple. Eventually when the three of us are gone, will anyone continue with this observance at the temple? I have my doubts.

Changing times

This is how traditions die or evolve with the times. Our elders, parents and grandparents are the story-tellers, curators of the family history and genealogy. They preserve and perpetuate the traditions and customs of their ancestry.

When one generation fails to pass these to the next generation, when parents fail to teach their children, that’s how traditions fade into obscurity. The same goes for dialects and mother tongue. In many Chinese homes, English or Mandarin is spoken, not Cantonese, Teochew or Hakka.

Children learn by observation, and the home is where it all begins, the writer reflects. Pictured is her youngest grandson with her mother, in a photograph taken several years ago. — LILY FU

Young English-educated doctors are finding it a problem communicating with their elderly patients who only understand dialect. My children hardly speak any dialect. My fault.

I never picked up enough dialect to speak it fluently to my daughters. Likewise with traditional practices such as preparing festive food at home. I still have fond memories of my elderly aunts sitting together in my grandma’s kitchen, spending hours preparing rice cakes for Chinese New Year, and rice dumplings for the Mid-Autumn Festival.

Now we can buy them in many varieties already cooked from stalls in Chinatown. So convenient. The same goes for ketupat. No need to source for young coconut leaves to weave into ketupat. Just buy ready-cooked ketupat from the shops, or purchase them online. Saves hours of weaving the ketupat by hand in time for the Raya celebrations.

Many traditions no longer remain – mainly because our parents didn’t practise them, didn’t teach us by example. My mother didn’t adopt most of these traditional practices, so I couldn’t learn from her. I didn’t have enough interest to learn on my own to pass it down to my children. Thus, this ignorance and indifference are perpetuated. Ultimately, we lose a part of our culture and traditions.

Children learn by observing and doing.

My 113-year-old role model and mentor Teresa Tsu once said, “There are no naughty children – only naughty parents.”

So very true. She probably meant parents who didn’t teach their children well about traditions, customs and values, including respect for the elders and filial piety.

Preserving traditions

Unlike heritage buildings which we can preserve (kudos to the excellent restoration work done on Seri Negara and Bangunan Sultan Abdul Samad), it’s a different story when it comes to preserving traditions and values, which are best taught by example and practice.

Let’s take the Confucian concept of filial piety. Like traditions, this is rapidly being redefined and reinterpreted to suit the current times. This is inevitable given the change in the structure of the family home.

The traditional three-generation family home filled with the laughter and cries of children is becoming rare, now replaced by an empty silence. The children have grown and flown, to start their own nest and fill it with their own brood.

This affects the bonding between the generations. The grandchildren are not exposed to how their parents treat their grandparents with respect and care. This gap can be narrowed if parents bring along their young children to visit the grandparents regularly.

Alternatively, grandparents can offer to help out by looking after the children on weekdays while their parents are at work. The onus is on the parents to ensure close family ties are maintained.

With technology, this can easily be done through regular online platforms such as Zoom or Whatsapp. When there is little intergeneration contact and communication, filial piety goes out the window. So does respect for the elderly.

I see this on a daily basis on crowded trains and buses. The young occupy priority seats while the elderly stand.

By extension, when filial piety is eroded, who among the adult children will offer to look after the remaining parent when the other is gone?

Who among them will invite the surviving parent to move in with them? The eldest son because it is expected of him? Or the daughter who is single or divorced? Will they do so willingly or grudgingly? Why?

Because it’s one extra mouth to feed and care for? Because the relationship has always been strained from the start?

As for the parents, how does this make them feel?

Frankly, most of the seniors I have spoken to prefer to live on their own, alone, rather than be a burden to the children. When it’s no longer safe for them to live alone due to increasing old age and comorbidities, the only option is either to move to an assisted living facility or a nursing home.

In the worst-case scenario, the elderly parent is packed off to a welfare old folk home. This is the reality facing the elderly living alone, and where there is a breakdown of family ties.

There are families where respect for the elderly is drummed into everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest. The parents show by example how they treat their elderly parents with little daily acts of care and gratitude. The children observe and soon learn to repeat these acts of kindness with their grandparents. It is not enough to teach, but for learning to take root, it must be practised till it becomes intrinsic, as part of one’s character.

To conclude, let’s make a concerted effort to improve family ties, preserve traditions and inculcate values. Home is where everything begins, where parents teach and show by example, and where children learn by observing and doing.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 8 April 2026.)

STEPS FORWARD TO GO, MORE TO GO

 

The writer acknowledges that Malaysians are fortunate to live in a country where women’s rights are recognised. However, she notes that work still needs to be done towards increasing women’s participation in sectors like political and corporate leadership. — Freepik

My mother’s generation grew up in the World War Two era when women had no voice, no official role to play in society. They were the family nurturer and caregiver, roles thrust upon them which they accepted without complaint or protest.

Being meek and submissive were much sought-after virtues in young women of those days. Many didn’t even have a say in who they wanted as their life partner. Their parents or professional matchmakers made the choice for them.

They were brought up to be seen, not heard.

I recall a quote which compares women to a bonsai tree. It alludes to how, when society keeps women small, and restricts their growth, their branches can shelter no birds and their wood is never allowed to reach its strength. A similar sentiment was expressed by poet Marge Piercy, in her poem A Work Of Artifice, in which she uses the metaphor of the bonsai tree to describe how a woman’s growth is often deliberately curtailed by social expectations and patriarchal norms.

Women were like ornaments if they were pretty, much like the trophy wives of today. But if they were poor and rough, they were like work-horses. That was the worth of women in the old days.

The women from my mother’s era were mostly tough physically and mentally, often raising as many as 10 children singlehandedly, and managing all the housework literally with bare hands, while the men went out to work. And when the men returned home, the women looked after them too.

They were multi-skilled and could handle several diverse roles equally well – from doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, feeding, nursing, disciplining and inculcating values in their children. It was a life of daily sweat, toil and stoicism.

The true emancipation of women came with access to education, from school right up to university. The women from my generation of Baby Boomers were the first to benefit from this. Paper qualifications opened the door to better jobs and financial independence. Women learned to drive and that gave them the freedom to venture further afield, explore more opportunities, develop confidence and cultivate a spirit of adventure.

Education opened up not only their eyes but more importantly, their minds. Women began to change their mindset and shed of their “I’m not good enough” mentality. They stopped viewing themselves as good only for child-bearing, housekeeping and bed-warming. They realised that given the right opportunities and support, they could excel in anything they chose.

The Malaysia Gender Gap Index (MGGI), 2025 records a small but positive rise in women’s participation in almost every sector. The exception is political empowerment where women represented only 16.1% of ministerial positions, and 13.5% in the House of Representatives. This disparity is significant and highlights the ongoing challenges in achieving gender balance in political leadership in Malaysia. As we shall see, this has ramifications in passing legislations to protect vulnerable women – those identified as poor, single, elderly, without much education, and unable to fend for themselves.

It’s also an uphill task for women to shine in the corporate sector.

Opportunities are there but limited, and gender discrimination is still practised. There is always this nagging concern that it’s money down the drain to train women and groom them into captains of industry. Once they are in the family way, they either go on extended maternity leave or opt out of the work force altogether to raise their children. It is no wonder young women opt to delay marriage and having children for as long as possible, or choose to remain single. Career and financial security come first.

Formidable force

Along with jobs came earning power and purchasing power. Today women consumers are a formidable force that cannot be ignored. They spur growth in the market and the economy. Among older women, the power of female ­consumers is even more profound as they are now reaping the benefits of having their retirement savings at their disposal.

Women are born shoppers. Women shop not only for themselves, but also for their children, their husbands and for their home. They decide what household appliances to buy, what groceries and health supplements for the family.

Increasingly, they are shopping for technical products too, such as laptops, mobile phones and other gadgets.

It is common knowledge from decades of observations that in most family ­households, it is the lady of the house who wields considerable influence on her husband when making decisions on big item purchases. A joint account also gives women more freedom to make purchases. They are often the ones who do the bookings, make reservations and handle the family’s accounts and budget. The rise in the number of single professional women as well as single moms further enlarges the pool of female consumers.

Indeed, women are making their numbers count in almost every sector of the economy and industry. More younger women are emerging as successful entrepreneurs, with many running their own online businesses.

We are fortunate to live in a country where women’s rights are recognised and the government places importance on the safety and protection of women and children.

Senior women (and one male ally) at the recent ‘Women in Tech: Innovating, Leading, Transforming the Future’ conference held in Kuala Lumpur, in conjunction with International Women’s Day recently. — LILY FU

Yes, we have come a long way since my mother’s World War Two days, thanks to decades of advocacy by women leaders like Zainah Anwar, Maria Chin Abdullah, Datuk Ambiga Sreenevasan and Ivy Josiah. We are indebted to women-led NGOs like WAO (Women’s Aid Organisation), AWAM (All Women’s Action Society) and SIS Forum (formerly Sisters in Islam). They have remained strong defenders of women’s rights.

The United Nations’ theme for International Women’s Day 2026 is “Rights. Justice. Action. For all women and girls.”

The fact that the UN sees the need to choose this theme is an indication that there is still work to be done to stop violence, discrimination and exploitation of women and girls.

We need to push for reforms in the protection of older women and men. According to the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry, almost 16% of the 30,228 cases of domestic violence from 2020 to January 2025 involved elderly victims. This is probably the tip of the iceberg. Official cases cannot be relied on as many abused elderly do not make reports, especially when the abuser is a family member.

With less than 16% women leaders in ministerial posts, it will be a long slow wait for legislation to be passed to protect our elderly against abuse and neglect. It has been more than 15 years since the Maintenance of Parents Act was brought up. Every year we are told the Senior Citizens Bill will be tabled, read in Parliament and passed. Well, there is still no sign of it.

How many more years do the elderly have to wait? Many are already in their twilight years.

The overall report card on the role of women going forward is fairly positive. Both the private and public sectors should be prepared and be ready to adjust projections for the 2030s and beyond.

Whether it’s on the domestic front, in social and corporate circles, in the economy, in aged care and retirement homes, the future is definitely female. And it’s not only because women enjoy longer life expectancy, it’s because they are making their presence felt in almost every sphere and walk of life. They are proving their worth after a history of suppression, repression and servitude. They are finally coming out on their own. There are still miles to go but there is momentum, there is acceleration, and that is an encouraging sign.

We have learned to appreciate small blessings, however slow they are in coming.

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is the founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to connect and enjoy social activities for ageing well. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.

(The above article was first published in the print edition of The Star on Wed 11 March 2026. It can be accessed HERE.)