GROWING OLD TOGETHER...OR NOT

But being together 24/7 could also result in daily acrimonious exchanges, with the couple getting on each other’s nerves. (Photo: Josh Felise/Unsplash)

‘To love and to hold, till death do us part’. 

Those were the days when marriage was a sacred institution. Marriages then were meant to last a lifetime.

Even when death took away one partner, the other would remain faithful till the end. Couples stayed together because they took their marriage vows seriously, especially if they married in a place of worship and exchanged vows before God. My mother remained a widow for 64 years after my father passed away at a very young age.

In this digital age, with freer social interaction between the sexes, and with online dating sites easily available, remaining faithful to one person for the rest of one’s life seems to be strictly for the firm believer in fairy tales of the genre ‘... and they lived happily ever after’.

Silver or grey divorces are on the rise. Asian societies have generally become more open to divorces.

Divorcees and single mothers are no longer stigmatised by family and friends. Children have become more accepting of their parents’ divorce.

The retirement years for empty nesters can make or break a marriage. When the children have flown the nest, one would think that is the best time for married couples to enjoy each other’s company. Having the whole house to themselves means having the peace and privacy to rekindle the romance that was relegated to the back-burner when the children were growing up.

But being together 24/7 could also result in daily acrimonious exchanges, with the couple getting on each other’s nerves. This was one of the possible explanations for the spike in non-Muslim divorce cases during the Covid pandemic when people were told to remain at home and not go out unless necessary.

According to National Statistics Department’s latest figures, non-Muslim divorces increased by 30.4% from 9,419 to 12,284 during Covid from 2020 to 2021.

Losing that loving feeling

For many senior couples, that old loving feeling is long gone, only to be replaced by a deep sense of loneliness, of unfulfilment and even regret at the realisation that perhaps their spouse is not that someone they want to spend the rest of their life with.

The situation is made worse when one partner has sexual needs that cannot or will not be met by the other partner.

Divorces are usually messy, ugly and expensive. The only winners are the lawyers. There is no point in saving a marriage that may have started off in heaven, but that has since quickly descended into marital hell.

Sure, there are couples who are blessed to have found their “soulmate” to share their lives with. But for many middle-aged couples, they are more likely to find themselves stuck in an unhappy marriage, wondering what happened to that sweetheart they loved and married so many years ago.

This is especially true for women in their 50s and 60s who feel trapped in their marriage. Emboldened by the rising number of silver-haired divorces they read about, they no longer think twice about initiating divorce proceedings. They no longer feel pressured to keep up a pretense of a happy marriage. They no longer fear facing the future alone.

Now better educated and able to support themselves financially, many divorcees are enjoying the single life again, or entering into new relationships. And with the children all grown and independent, there is even less reason for them to remain in the role of the long-suffering wife, especially if their husband has been unfaithful or abusive to them.

To be fair, there are husbands who want to leave their wives too. Some women are no angels, and do cheat on their husbands. Others are gold-diggers or title-seekers. Still others are so insecure, they become overly jealous and possessive of their husband, while many are born naggers, constantly harping on their husbands’ perceived faults. Such women can make marriage a living hell for their husband.

If it’s the man who initiates the divorce, it’s usually because of another woman who has re-kindled the spark of passion in him. Few men would want to divorce their wives who have brought up the children and provided them with all the comforts of home.

Even if these men have lost physical and emotional interest in their wives over the years, they would still want to remain married.

Couples who split amicably can choose to live separately without going through a divorce. They can still remain friends and enjoy family reunion dinners and outings. There should be no regret or bitterness on both sides. Forgive, forget and move on.

Women are no longer fixated on finding a husband before they get “too old”. Men are just as happy to remain eligible bachelors. We know friends who are happy to remain single if they have not found a kindred spirit to spend the rest of their lives with.

Datuk Dr Khairuddin Yusof and Datin Khairiah are an example of a happily married couple who've journeyed through live together. (Photo: DR KHAIRUDDIN YUSOF)

On the bright side, there are couples who have enjoyed marital bliss from their wedding day till the present day. These are truly marriages made in heaven, that no one and nothing can break asunder. These are rock-solid marriages, not marriages on the rocks. These happily married couples would be the first to tell you that it takes a lot of “give-and-take” and sacrifices to make a marriage work.

It is a milestone, an enviable achievement, when couples celebrate their golden wedding anniversary together. It’s a rarity too.

Given the changing times and the liberal social norms of today, the odds are heavily stacked against young couples to stay happily married for the rest of their lives.

When we look at young married couples, including our own adult children, we can only pray in our hearts that they will “love and honour each other for as long as they shall live”. Given the longer life span today, that could mean the next 40-50 years of their lives.

All newly-weds want their marriage to work. They want to grow old together.

Here are some tips for a long-lasting marriage. Remember it takes a lot of work for both parties.

1. Appreciate your spouse and show it with little acts of love.

2. Communicate. Share your feelings, your views, and your worries.

3. Continue to have sex and intimacy. Have weekly dates.

4. Never criticise or humiliate your spouse in front of others.

5. Have realistic expectations of each other.

6. Embrace your differences.

7. Have your own pursuits as well as shared ones.

8. Learn from each other, and respect each other.

9. Support each other in maintaining an active healthy lifestyle.

10. There will come a time when one spouse will pass on before the other. So cherish every moment spent together. 

The print copy was published on 2 Aug, and the online edition on 5 Aug. Some images have been added for this version. The Star article can be accessed at 

https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2023/08/05/growing-old-together-or-not/

Lily Fu is a gerontologist who advocates for seniors. She is founder of SeniorsAloud, an online platform for seniors to get connected and enjoy social activities for ageing well.

LIVE TO 100? WHY NOT!

The very fact that the retirement age keeps rising is one indication that longevity is here to stay. Photo: 123rf.com

 “75 is good enough for me!”

This response never fails to surprise me whenever I pose this question to my friends: How long would you like to live? Rarely do I hear someone say, 100.

Even as a hypothetical question, those who say they want to live as long as they can usually qualify it with “must be still in good health and of sound mind”.

Of course, we are not talking about living to a ripe old age frail, senile and bed-bound. No one would want to live that long without quality of life. Life is precious. It is a gift. We want to cling to it for as long as we can. And it is entirely up to us, our responsibility to ensure we remain reasonably fit and well as we enter advanced age. The golden years should not be a misnomer.

I am 75 now. I definitely want to stick around to see my grandchildren graduate, get married and be blessed to cradle in my arms my first-born great-grandchild. How could anyone not want such joys in life?

Many of my friends are in their 70s, 80s and even 90s. All of us feel we are in our second prime, still fit, vibrant and energetic. And full of zest for life.

There was a time when centenarians were so rare in Japan, on their birthdays they would receive a silver sake dish or sakazuki from the government. When this practice was introduced in 1963, there were only 153 centenarians. By 2014, the number had increased to almost 30,000! This practice was eventually discontinued in 2015.

Each generation lives longer and better than the previous one. My mum was 95 when she passed on. According to the National Registration Department census, Malaysia had a total of 43,599 centenarians in 2015. That number would have gone way up by now. In 2020, 109-year-old Annamah Abukutty entered Malaysia’s Book of Records as the oldest living woman in Malaysia. She was hale and hearty and able to give a lucid interview on Star TV.

Teresa Tsu at 112 enjoying the thrill of kite-flying. - BELLE LEE

The oldest person I met was already 110 when I first met her in October 2008 at a talk she was giving on “How to live to 110”. She was my inspiration for my work in the seniors’ community. We remained in touch till she passed on at 113. Her mantra was laughter – the ability to take life lightly. To her, laughter was anytime preferable to tears.

The very fact that the retirement age keeps rising is one indication that longevity is here to stay. Studies show that a child born today in developed countries is expected to live to 150. Biochemist and gerontologist Aubrey de Grey came out in the 1990s with his conviction that living forever is possible once we have conquered age-related diseases such as cancer, stroke, dementia, diabetes, osteoporosis and atherosclerosis.

Since then, research and study into the science of ageing has exploded. In 2013, Google started the R&D company Calico, and invested over a billion dollars into life extension research. Coming up is the Longevity Summit in Dublin from Aug 17 to 20. It will be a showcase for the most up-to-date research and innovations in the longevity industry.

In Singapore, the Tsao Foundation held a Longevity Forum in May 2023. Founding director of Stanford Centre on Longevity, Prof Laura Cartensen, who delivered the keynote address, spoke of the need to match healthspan with lifespan. Experts attending the conference felt that businesses, the government and society in general should start preparing for the longevity future. Singapore will reach super-aged status in 2026.

Welcome to longevity. Living to 100 will be the norm by 2050. It is no longer a pipe dream, and there is no need to seek the proverbial fountain of youth. Thanks to advances in health, nutrition, medical care, education, technology and public awareness of what constitutes healthy living, we are not only living longer, but living better and looking younger than our chronological age. Videos of amazing seniors in their 80s and 90s working out, modelling clothes and enjoying life in full have gone viral on social media. The number of “granfluencers” on Tik Tok is growing.

The next obvious question is: How do we ensure we live up to 100 still physically fit and mentally sound as when we were in our 40s?

In 2009, I came across a National Geographic article by Dan Buettner. He identified five places in the world which he called Blue Zones where people live the longest, and are healthiest: Okinawa, Japan; Sardinia, Italy; Nicoya, Costa Rica; Ikaria, Greece, and Loma Linda, California.

Obviously, these are places and cultures foreign to most of us. But we can adapt some of the findings from Buettner’s seminal study, and from a simple survey I did of the Malaysian and Singaporean super agers I know.

Here’s a list of “pillars” of ageing well. Most are familiar to us, but remember: No action, no results.

1. There are NO obese centenarians. So, let’s watch our weight and don’t overeat. Stop when we are 80% full.

2. Choose “forks over knives” (watch the excellent documentary of the same title). Go for a plant-based diet that includes nuts and whole grains.

3. Treat ourselves to a glass or two of red wine a day. Asians prefer tea. It is a good anti-oxidant too.

4. Know our purpose in life (ikigai) and be driven by it. Volunteering for a good cause is just as meaningful.

5. Have an anchor, a belief system – spiritual or religious. Many seniors turn to religion not only for refuge and comfort, but also to prepare for the next and final chapter of life.

6. Learn to relax and enjoy life. Nothing is worth losing sleep or friendship over. Forgive, forget, and move on.

7. Keep physically and mentally active. Top of the list are brisk walking, strength training and brain stimulating exercises. Supplement with some taiji or yoga for balance and fall prevention.

8. Be part of a healthy social network. Lack of social engagements, especially for seniors living alone, may lead to loneliness and depression, and a tendency for suicidal thoughts.

9. Maintain good family ties. Enjoy family celebrations and reunions. This is a big boost to our wellbeing.

So, the question again: “Is it worth living to 100?” My answer is a resounding Yes!

The above article written by LILY FU was first published in Star Silver pullout of The Star on Wed 5 July 2023. The link is at https://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/family/2023/07/05/live-to100-why-not?