THINKING OUTSIDE THAT WOODEN BOX

We’ve heard it before: 60 is the new 40 and 70 the new 50. Yet, there are many among us senior citizens who view themselves as 60 going on 80, and 70 going on 90. They think old, look old and act old. They have OLD stamped all over their body and mind. No wonder they feel they already have one foot in the grave.

Granted death is a taboo topic in most Asian cultures, but, seriously, we all need a wake-up call sometimes before it’s too late and we are staring Death in the face. Do we want to spend the rest of our lives merely existing instead of living? The fastest way to speed up the ageing process is to think we are old and ready to expire. Sure, we all have to die one day, but that shouldn’t stop us from having fun, adventure, romance and happiness while we can still draw breath. Let's live before we leave.

These young men (my brothers and cousins) enjoying their golden years in 2008. They have retained their youthful looks and joie de vivre 12 years later in 2020.

When we think we are old, we are. Our thoughts are very powerful. They govern how we behave and react. There are folks who, upon reaching retirement age, retire not just from their jobs, but from everything that used to define who they are. They become a pale shadow of their former self, almost unrecognizable by old friends and former colleagues.

The first thing they give up is their physical appearance. In their minds, they are thinking – at my age, nobody gives me a second look, so why spend hard-earned money on unnecessary grooming. Their wardrobe consists mainly of auntie or uncle-type clothes in various funereal shades of black, brown and grey. If comfort is the reason, fine. But if they dress or act to please others, then they are allowing others to dictate how they should dress and behave as befitting their age.

Ladies from the Malaysian Menopause Society turn models for a fashion show in 2008. My first time on the catwalk. It was fun. (I am in black, centre)

Many retirees allow themselves to put on weight and wrinkles by avoiding all manner of physical activity. Their excuse – oh, at my age, I shouldn’t exert myself too much. Over time, they build up a host of health problems like high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes and obesity. They become frail and sickly, and dependent on others.

They give up making an effort to keep in touch with old friends or make new ones. They spend their days mostly at home, moping around the house, and idling away the precious hours. They have no interest in anything that will improve their lives or that of others. Their favourite pastime is complaining about this and that. A close second is dwelling on the past with regret. No wonder they end up lonely, cranky, depressed and bitter. What an awful way to live their retirement years!

It’s easy to identify people who are ageing before their time. They say things like:

I’m too old to travel.
I’m too old to love again.
I’m too old to dance.
I’m too old to learn a new skill.
I’m too old to take up a course of study.
I’m too old to wear bright colours.
I’m too old to venture out on my own.
I’m too old to be outrageous.

It’s time to get rid of the ‘I’m too old to...’ mantra and replace it with a new one that's positive:

I’m still young enough to learn a new language.
I’m still young enough to welcome romance into my life.
I’m still young enough to write a book.
I’m still young enough to do the salsa.
I’m still young enough to go on an adventure trip.

I'm still young enough to....ENJOY LIFE!

We must constantly remind ourselves to make the most of our golden years, not waste them waiting for Death to knock on our doors. It's so easy to fall into the ageing trap.

‘And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.’ – Abraham Lincoln.

(This is an updated version of an article first posted here in August 2008. The original article was picked up by Asian Beacon, a Christian magazine, and published in their June-July 2011 edition.)

ABUSE HURTS AT ANY AGE

We shudder with horror and disbelief when we read in the papers about caregivers physically abusing the elderly in their care. We cannot fathom how anyone could cause pain and injury to frail and defenseless old people. We would never do anything like that to hurt the very people we are supposed to look after and care for.

Really?

How many of us are guilty of elder abuse? If truth be told, most of us would admit to some degree of guilt as elder abuse is not just physical. It encompasses verbal, financial and psychological abuse as well. Guess who are guilty of such abuse? Who are the usual suspects? The answer - adult children.

When adult children exploit their elderly parents for their own financial gains, that's abuse too. Examples include compelling their parents to prematurely sign over ownership of the family property to them, or transferring shares to their names. For whatever reasons, these children can't wait to inherit from their parents. That would take too long. We read in the media of cases where elderly parents have been evicted from their own home by their children. Money over-rules blood ties. In a society where cash is king, and wealth equals power, the elderly without much assets to their name have no voice, no rights. They become easy victims of elder abuse.

Perhaps the most common abuse is verbal or emotional. Most of the time we are not even aware that we have hurt the feelings of our elderly parents. In moments of stress, anger or frustration, we lose our patience with them. We chide them, belittle them, even threaten them with the possibility of packing them off to a welfare home for old folks. Of late there have been more reports of children abandoning their elderly parents in hospitals or at bus stops. Are these cases in the minority or are they the tip of the iceberg?

If we do not want our children to treat us this way, then we should not treat our aged parents this way. Let us set a good example by according our parents and all elderly the respect they deserve. We exist because of them. We are who we are today because of them. We owe them a lifetime of gratitude and love.

Filial piety is becoming rare these days. Countries such as Singapore and India have implemented the Maintenance of Parents Act whereby parents can report their adult children to a tribunal for failure to provide financial support and care. When adult children face problems in their business or marriage, it is easy to take out their frustrations on their elderly parents who are vulnerable and unable to stand up for themselves. Life becomes unbearable for their elderly parents. It is no wonder many say they prefer to die than suffer at the hands of their own children.

One day, it will be our turn to experience old age. Will we fall victim to elder abuse? Not if we raise awareness of this despicable social ill, not if we raise our children to respect our elders. We can be good examples by showing our children how we care for our parents. They will learn from us.

Note: This is an updated version of an earlier article on elder abuse. If we see signs of elder abuse or know of any case, we should make a police report.