Saturday, May 9, 2009

LAUGH A LITTLE




If you are suffering from a serious bout of bad-news fatigue like I am, it's time to reach out for that medicine bottle for some comic relief!


FLYING BACKWARDS
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast she farted and flew out the window!"



MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.


CERTAIN AILMENTS
A group of Sun City Senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee", said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee", replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck", said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad" said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God, we can all still drive"!


WHY MEN SHOULDN'T BABYSIT!

NEW HEARING AID
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

COOL GRANDMA!

Yikes! Someone please tell grandma 'being cool' doesn't mean being well-ventilated!


WHEN IS OLD?
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!


MADE IT TO THE MAIL BOX JUST IN TIME!

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